THIS HAPPENS When You Stop Chasing An Avoidant

Avoidant personality disorder is characterised by social discomfort and avoidance of interpersonal contact. People with this disorder tend to avoid intimate and social contact with others. They may be extremely shy, fearful, and overly concerned with appearing foolish. Roughly 30% of people exhibit avoidant attachment patterns, while 2.1% to 2.6% of the population may have avoidant personality disorder.

Avoidants deeply desire intimacy but struggle to handle it due to the way their primary caregivers responded to their needs during childhood. They often experience difficulty with emotional intimacy, a strong desire for independence, and a lack of trust in others. As a result, they avoid getting too close to others and instead learn to depend on themselves. However, they may secretly want you to chase them, which could explain the mixed signals they often give.

So, what happens when you stop chasing an avoidant?

Avoidants need space to reduce the intensity of contact. They may express a desire for you but simultaneously push you away, leaving you confused about their true intentions. If you want a happy and healthy relationship with an avoidant, you must stop chasing them.

Avoidants typically have a positive view of themselves and a negative view of others. They avoid intimacy or conflict because they fear losing their sense of self. However, not all avoidants are consciously aware of this. They require more space than any other attachment style because it helps them feel independent and safe. They are highly protective of their space, where they can relax and be themselves. Around others, they may struggle to be fully present, often distracted by internal dialogue.

In childhood, avoidants found comfort and relief from anxiety by being alone. They became accustomed to solitude, even when upset, as they didn’t know how to seek comfort from others. This makes relationships particularly challenging for those with an anxious attachment style, who are on the opposite end of the spectrum. Anxiously attached individuals often fear abandonment and find meaning in closeness. When an avoidant withdraws, it’s crucial to pull away and give them space. This allows them to process their feelings and may even lead them to return to you.

Do avoidants want to be chased? The truth is, they do want to be loved. They often seek relationships with anxiously attached individuals, but this dynamic can feel suffocating for them. The anxious partner’s need for closeness clashes with the avoidant’s need for space, leading to a cycle of leaving, loneliness, and longing.

Avoidants struggle with emotional intimacy and feel uncomfortable with closeness and connection. This doesn’t mean they don’t want it—they do. However, they are often their own worst enemy, sabotaging relationships by acting against their own interests. Beneath it all, they want to let someone in but are afraid of being hurt.

Avoidants may want you to chase them, actively pursue them, and put in most of the effort to maintain the relationship. They want to feel prioritised and cheered up, even if they seem to ignore you. They desire your effort but only on their terms, under conditions they control. They won’t truly miss you until they feel there’s no chance of reuniting, as this gives them the independence they crave while allowing them to reflect on the past.

When dealing with an avoidant, expect mixed signals. Their words and actions often don’t align. They may express interest verbally but act in ways that suggest otherwise. Avoidants fear getting hurt, which is why they distance themselves at certain thresholds, such as when discussing dates, moving in together, marriage, or having children. These milestones require new levels of commitment, which can feel threatening to their independence.

If you pressure an avoidant, they may become uncomfortable and want to leave. It’s best to give them space to reconsider their decisions and process their feelings. However, this doesn’t mean you should tolerate an unfulfilling relationship. You need to understand your own needs and communicate them clearly. Speak positively about your needs rather than criticising, as avoidants are hypersensitive to criticism.

By giving them space and allowing room for their feelings to grow, you can determine whether the relationship is progressing in a way that works for you. If it’s not, it may not be the right relationship. Either way, stop chasing to the point where you feel confused or compelled to people-please. Identify what you’re looking for and take action to achieve it.

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