The narcissist will act as though certain things you are doing or have done are not right. They will act as though they are not happy with certain decisions you might have made. They will become passive aggressive and even very abusive towards you. You might think that all you need to do is stop what you are doing and comply with the narcissist's demands and then everything will return to normal. But no matter how much you change yourself to meet their demands, it never does. No amount of change within yourself will ever satisfy the narcissist, because the problem is not within you, it's within them.
There were acting as though they are bothered or concerned about something you have done or something you are doing, but they never take the proper measures to attend to the situation. They never have a plan or course of action to achieve a particular purpose, because there is no real purpose. They act as though they are bothered or concerned about something you have done or something you are doing, but it really has nothing to do with that.
They are actually very comfortable with your faults or mistakes, it gives them the opportunity to control you and in their minds it justifies them abusing you. They're not really bothered or concerned, it's all an act and you can tell it's an act, because they're more focused on you than actually attending to the situation or trying to resolve it. They don't want to resolve anything, because that would mean that they no longer have a reason to control you, they no longer have any justifications for abusing you. Of course there is no justification for abuse, but this is in the narcissist's mind. In the narcissist's mind they are the victims and they are justified in abusing you, as you have hurt them.
When the narcissist acts bothered or concerned about something you have done or something you are doing, you might think that they want you to stop and do something else, but this can often cause more problems. The narcissist doesn't want you to change, at least not your idea of change. Your idea of change is likely to be something that is beneficial or favourable to you. The narcissist is not going to support you in anything that involves progress or positivity. They don't want you to change or improve your life, they don't want you to become a better person.
We have all made faults or mistakes in the past and that is a very important part of our lives. We must make faults and mistakes so we can then learn from them and grow and develop. If we do not make faults or mistakes, we cannot grow, we just stay the same.
This is the problem that the narcissist has, as they never take responsibility for their actions. They don't want to be held accountable for anything that they have done, they live their lives in denial constantly trying to escape from reality. Which makes it impossible for them to learn from their faults and mistakes. Which means that they can never grow or develop, they stay stuck at the same level of development for the rest of their lives and nothing ever changes.
The narcissist is still stuck in the past and they were very comfortable with the person you used to be. They are very comfortable with the faults or mistakes that you have made whenever they feel threatened or as though you are superior to them in some way. They will reflect on your past faults and mistakes and randomly bring them up to you, it's their way of saying that you're not that great or you might be good at this but what about this or that. The narcissist has impossible expectations for themselves which they could never live up to and they project these expectations onto the people around them.
They were very comfortable with a person you used to be, they had reasons to control you and justifications for abusing you. Where you had done something wrong to them in the past, where you made a fault or mistake. You had an issue with alcohol, tobacco or drugs. Whatever it was you did something that you weren't proud of and that's okay we all make faults and mistakes.
But the difference between us and the narcissist is that we do not continually repeat the same faults and mistakes. We do not deny that we have made them, we reflect on the things that we have done wrong. We take responsibility and we respond to the situation to the best of our ability. We accept that we have done something wrong and then we work to change the situation. We learn from our faults and mistakes and then we grow and develop.
The narcissist doesn't do this. They continually repeat the same faults and mistakes again and again, never taking responsibility for their actions, never even acknowledging that they have done anything wrong. This is why nothing ever changes with them, they always stay the same. They repeat the same faults and mistakes again and again and never take a responsibility for anything they've done. But if you were to do one thing wrong, they would hold it against you for the rest of your life. They would use it as an excuse to control you. They would use it as a justification to abuse you. They would hold a grudge against you, they would be very resentful towards you and never forgive you.
They have different standards and expectations for you than what they set for themselves. Any rules are to stay in the relationship or for you, not for them. They can do whatever they want, but they will hold a grudge and be very resentful towards you if you do make a fault or mistake. They will act as though they are bothered or concerned, but most often they don't really care about anything you have done. They only care as much as it might affect the false beliefs that they have of themselves. If it makes them feel less significant, important or valuable. If it affects them emotionally or bruises their ego. They don't care about the act of you doing something wrong, it's only how it pertains to them. They will act as though they're bothered and concerned concerned, but it's just an excuse to control you it's just something they use to justify the abuse.
When you start trying to change, the narcissist feels very uncomfortable. You might be trying to correct your faults and mistakes that you have made in the past. You might be practicing religion or spirituality, changing your diet or giving up alcohol, tobacco or drugs. The narcissist is very uncomfortable with any positive changes you make, because it makes them feel as though you are leaving them behind. Their connection and relation to you is based on you being who you were in the past, the person you used to be. The person who wasn't religious or spiritual, the person who didn't eat healthy. Maybe the person who consumed alcohol, tobacco or drugs is the person they feel a connection and relation towards.
If you suddenly start to change they begin to feel lost, because they can't change or grow with you. Change requires responsibility and accountability, two things the narcissist wants nothing to do with. So if you start responding to the best of your ability and being accountable for your actions, it makes the narcissist feel inferior, it makes them feel like less of a person, because that is something that they will never do. But they already know that if you start making these positive changes in your life, you are going to be leaving them behind, you are going to be untethering the connection between you and them. They already know that they can't go with you, because their connection to you is based on you being the person that you used to be. If you are no longer that person they have no connection to you. They can't go with you because they're not willing to take responsibility, because then they would be held accountable for their faults and mistakes.
This is where they can become very envious and jealous. They want to take away these new qualities and abilities that you have developed, these new positive characteristics and traits. They will try to remind you of the person you used to be and they will bring up things from the past. They will try to convince you that your religion or spirituality is wrong and you shouldn't believe in it, or they will try to get you involved in alcohol tobacco or drugs again Because they're envious and jealous. They secretly admire the person that you've become, but at the same time they hate it because it's not them and it makes them feel inferior to you. Because that's something they can't do, it's something they're not willing to do. They don't want to put the work in to make a change in their lives, they're too lazy. They'd rather just hang down on their level, so it looks like they're ok now, they don't have to feel inferior anymore.
The narcissist doesn't want you to change and they will try to prevent any positive changes that you might make. They want you to stay the same, they want you to continue making the same faults and mistakes. They want you to continue being the person you used to be, the person that they know, the person that they want you to be. It makes them feel more comfortable, they act as though they are bothered or concerned by your faults mistakes. But they are actually very comfortable with them, it gives them a reason to control you. It gives them justifications for abusing you. If you try to make positive change in your life, they will try to set you back to the person that you used to be, because they already know that there is no place for them in your new life. If you start making changes, they already know that they can't come with you. Because they are not willing to do the work, they are not willing to take responsibility or to be held accountable for their actions, for their faults and mistakes so they can all climb higher with you.
They already know that you're going to be leaving them behind. The only connection and relation they have is to the person that you used to be. If you start making these changes, they're not going to be relevant anymore, they're not going to have any connection to you. Their actions are going to become very difficult to justify and they are no longer going to be appropriate.
So they have to keep you down with them. They have to keep you thinking the same way, doing the same things. Any positive changes that you make are a serious threat to their control over you and a serious threat to their justifications for abusing you. This is why they do not want you to change, they are very comfortable with the way things are. They already know that if you continue making these changes, there is going to be no place for them in your life. They would rather you continued being the person you once were, they would rather you continued making the same faults and mistakes, because they don't really care about anything that you've done wrong. It's all about them, it's all about them controlling you and using you to regulate their emotions and feed their egos. It boosts their self esteem, it gives them an opportunity to express their own self-hatred, frustration, anger and resentment, their own envy and jealousy.
They just need reasons for them doing what they are doing, they need to justify it. If they can push and provoke you into doing the wrong things and prevent any positive changes or growth within you, they then have more and more reasons to punish you.
While the punishment that they inflict on you may seem as though they are wanting you to change, that is actually the last thing that they want you to do. Because then that would give them no reason to control you and no justification to continue abusing you. The narcissist doesn't want you to change or improve your life, they want you to stay the same.