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The Female Narcissist

I have experienced relationships with several highly narcissistic women with all of the traits. My experience with the female narcissist could be very similar to a woman's experience with the male narcissist. But I am going to describe the relationship using my first-hand experience, with the female narcissist. As a straight man, I do not have any relationship experience with a male narcissist. Ok let's begin. You can never sustain a consistent and long-lasting relationship with the female narcissist. In her mind she already has an idea of how it is going to go, before the relationship has even begun. The female narcissist thinks in her mind, "Any relationship I get into, I am going to sabotage it - because deep down I feel as though I don't deserve real love or happiness. Anyone that truly loves and cares for me, I am going to avoid or abuse to the point where they don't even want to be around me. Anyone that really trusts me, I am going to cheat and lie to them until they trust me no more. Anyone that believes they know or understand me, I am going to do and say crazy things until they no longer know who I am.

Anyone that loves me, I will make them hate me because then I feel powerful and in control." This is exactly what the female narcissist will do, if you are with them in a relationship and trying to make it work. They do this because they want to feel powerful and in control. They cannot feel powerful if they are being emotionally vulnerable with you. They cannot feel powerful if they are putting in effort to make the relationship work. Whoever wants the relationship the least will have the most power and control in the relationship. They also have a fear of intimacy. They are afraid to be intimate with someone because they've been abused or neglected in some way when they were children. You will never have a deep, loving relationship with the female narcissist. While we throw ourselves in and wear our hearts on our sleeves, the female narcissist will always hold back and never give you a satisfying relationship. So they would rather not be intimate at all, it's more comfortable for them. Imagine... never giving any part of yourself because of the fear that you might get hurt. It actually contradicts itself over time, as there is nothing more painful than having a history of relationships that failed because you gave up. They held back on their love. They held back on their time, effort and energy. And when the relationship is over, they act as though nothing you did was good enough. While you gave all of your love, time, effort and energy. The truth is nothing can fulfill or satisfy the female narcissist. And because they are self absorbed, they don't care about fulfilling your needs in the relationship. All they care about is themselves. My ex narcissist would never say "I love you" back, but I don't think this has anything to do with their fear of intimacy. To her, they were just words. It's not like anything they say ever means anything. I believe that she intentionally avoided saying it back to make me wonder or to hurt me. Or maybe during sex, she will feel as though she has lost her power and control, because she is displaying a vulnerability. So she will take back her power and control over you by not saying she loves you, after you say it. The female narcissist may have originally liked you. But that love soon turned to hate, when she realised that she couldn't bring you to your knees to kiss her feet. The female narcissist may have originally appreciated to your good qualities and found them to be very desirable. But that appreciation soon turned into envy and devaluation, when she realised that you could be more desirable than she is. The female narcissist may have given you attention and validated you in the beginning. But that attention and validation soon turned into anger, abuse and neglect, when she realised that you could be receiving attention and validation from elsewhere. So the female narcissist is soon filled with hate, anger and envy towards you. These negative emotions cause her to become more abusive and manipulative. They fuel her intense desire to destroy you and make you feel the pain and misery she now feels. Everything she does or says is designed to affect you in a negative way. Those subtle comments or backhanded compliments are all designed to disable your emotional state. They will say certain things or go to places then tell you about it, to make you believe that they are cheating or doing something which would breach your relationship contract. All of these abusive and manipulative behaviours cause the female narcissist to become hypervigilant and paranoid. Now she is analysing everything you say, everything you do as an attempt to disable her emotional state. She really believes that you are out to get her. She thinks that you are lying or hiding something. She thinks that you are cheating, or you will cheat at some point. So then she thinks to herself "what is the point? what difference does it make if I refrain from devaluing, abusing and manipulating him? he will eventually cheat or screw me over in the end. so I might as well do it first, at least then I will have control over what happens and then I will feel more secure"? The female narcissist will also use all of these abusive behaviours and manipulative tactics to hook you on them. Now you are desperately seeking her attention and validation. You are desperately looking to her for closure on past events. And she knows all too well that the longer she holds back on resolving any traumatic events, the more pain it is going to cause you. So it is likely that you will never get closure from the female narcissist. You have to give it to yourself before you can move on. Why do they do this?

Why can't they just be honest, loyal, trustworthy and understanding? Why does she have to abuse and manipulate you? Why does she have to lie and cheat? It goes back to her childhood. She never received the love, approval or validation of her father. She was likely abused, neglected or experienced a traumatic event. She then grows up desperately seeking the love, approval and validation she never got from her father, from other men. If she had grown up to become a codependent, she would be giving all of her time, love and energy to you. But since she grew up to become a narcissist, now she wants to be the one who is in control. She wants to see how it feels to play the role her father once did, she doesn't want to be the victim any more. So just as her father once did to her, she will now do to you. She will abuse and neglect you. She will intentionally create traumatic events in your life. She will pathologically lie and cheat. And in her head she is thinking "yes! it feels so good to be on the other side this time. it feels so good to be the one who inflicts the abuse. the one who holds back on their love, time and energy. now I can sit back and watch you go through all of the pain I had to go through. I'm glad I'm not the only one who had to go through this. Now I can watch you experience all of the pain and trauma I had to experience as a child. It makes me feel so much better watching you suffer" All of your suffering is feeding her narcissistic supply. You are giving her attention and validation. You are making her feel like she is powerful and in control. Everything she never experienced as a child. She never got attention or validation from her father. She always felt powerless, confused and out of control. It's almost like she sees you as her father and she is still that little girl. But now the tables have turned. If the female narcissist was not a narcissist and was instead an emotionally healthy woman. She wouldn't need to do any of that. She would give herself the attention and validation she needs. But as we know, the narcissist is not capable of loving themselves. She is not capable of giving herself the attention, approval and validation they crave and need. This is why she will enter an endless cycle of discarding one victim after another. She sucks the life and energy out of her victim. Obtaining attention, validation and approval. Meanwhile leaving her victim emotionally unstable, confused and traumatised. Giving her a sense of power and control. She will then move on to her next victim. It is an endless cycle. She can never get enough attention and validation. She can never be fulfilled or satisfied. One person can only give so much to her, which is why she will desire multiple partners. But even a thousand men could not give her a sense of fulfilment or satisfaction. Because that's supposed to come from within, not from external sources. The female narcissist is literally desperate for attention. She needs a man to validate her. It becomes an obsession. She will do whatever she can to impress the man. Even if it means sacrificing her own standards. Her own beliefs, values and principles. She has to do this because inside she cannot validate herself. She cannot self-reflect, she cannot look within. The female narcissist has very low self-esteem, self-worth and self-respect. She is insecure, has an inferiority complex and is reliant on the approval of other people. She might strive to work in retail with a specific agenda to obtain as much attention and validation as possible. She is addicted to people. Without people constantly giving her attention and validating her, she feels like she doesn't even exist. One of the most desirable careers in the world is to be an actress and the female narcissist lives this out in day to day life. She is always putting on an act and never being who they really are. Because she believes her true self is not going enough. So she creates this fake image. She spends hours every morning plastering her face with make-up, deep down knowing that it's not who she really is. She will eliminate her true self and create this false image. It becomes a tool which she uses to obtain attention and validation from men.

But once a man gets to know her, he will realise that this false image conflicts with her true self. Just as when we first met the female narcissist. She created this false image to attract us in the love-bombing phase. And I'm not just talking about her physical appearance. She might have told you she was honest, loyal and trustworthy. You soon discovered she was the exact opposite of that. And she knew that you would find out about her eventually. As I said before... they already know the relationship is going to end, right from the beginning. They know it's only a matter of time until you realise that they have created a false character to attract and appeal to you. They are not really about any of that. Eventually they will discard you, or you might discard them. Once you've seen through them, you basically become a lost cause and they will have no choice but to discard you. They need someone that's going to believe in them and validate their false image. If you cannot do that, then you are no good to them. If you cannot ignore all of the abuse, manipulation and crazy clown bullshit, and still validate the narcissist. You will be discarded. After the discard phase, the female narcissist will enter a reckless phase from dealing with the loss of her narcissistic supply. She is then willing to sabotage herself, her image and her future... if it means that she can obtain a new supply. This is where it becomes clearly evident that the beliefs, values and principles she told you she was about at the beginning, are very different to who the real person is behind the mask. All she did was show you what you wanted to see. She appealed to your own ideals. She lived through you and what you wanted in a woman and in life. My ex narcissists would do and say anything just to get a reaction from me. All of their words and actions were designed to emotionally abuse me. It was like an obsession which they became slaves to. I could never have a normal conversation with them. They would never listen to anything I said, because they would always be thinking about what they could say next. Conversations, text messages and phone calls all became tools which they would use to covertly abuse me. Everything was a strategy and they were competing with me in a game I didn't even know I was a part of. And they were extremely competitive. They had to win and defeat me at every opportunity. I didn't realise at the time, that all of this was just their way of desperately trying to display their self-worth to me. They used conversations, text messages and phone calls as a way of controlling my emotions. They wanted to create traumatic situations which I would then desperately try to resolve. Many times I would be waiting for their text message or phone call, hoping that they would finally give me closure and put me out of my misery. They would always drop little hints, as though they might be lying to me or cheating on me. And by the end of the relationship, that's what they all did. But most of the time the things they say are lies, and their actions are nothing more than illusions they've created to make you believe whatever they want. They will even take pictures and send them to you or upload them to social media. Pictures that are specifically choreographed to make you feel hurt, angry or envious. Because that's exactly how they always feel. Narcissists are very hateful, angry and envious people. So they like to project their emotions on to you and believe me they will do that any way they can. Deep down they felt so worthless and insecure, and that is why they had to do all of this. If you are emotionally healthy and secure within yourself, you do not need to abuse or manipulate anyone. The saddest thing about the female narcissist is how she is a slave to her obsession of seeking constant validation and attention. They will throw away loving relationships and even their own children if it means that they can obtain a fresh source of narcissistic supply. It's like a curse, because it leads them to have one failed relationship after another. Divorce and children with corrupt minds that may even become narcissists themselves. In the end they are alone with nothing but one burned bridge after another. There isn't much advice for narcissists because although their beliefs are completely flawed, they believe they are perfect and therefore do not want any help. After the relationship it may look like she has the upper hand but over time this soon changes. The female narcissist ends up with a lifetime of failed relationships, children that she doesn't even care about and then she is alone. But you can move on, meet a person who is actually about something and then have a fulfilling life.

The female narcissist can never have this because of the way she is. Remember how long she stayed with you and made you believe that she would always be by your side. Then she moved on like you never existed. It is inevitable that she will end up alone and never satisfied with any of the sources she comes into contact with. You might start reminicising about the good times you shared, but you have to remember that the person you saw in the beginning wasn't who she really is. That was a false personality, a character she created to lure you in. She mirrored and lived through you, appealing to your own ideals You basically fell in love with yourself. That's why it's called "mirroring". It's like she held a mirror in front of you and you fell in love with yourself. The person you see now is who she really is. You may remember how different she looked in the beginning. Her personality was different. Her beliefs, values and principles were different. She may have told you she is all about honesty, loyalty and trust. Well look at her now, what happened to all of that? The truth is the person you met in the beginning never even existed. She mirrored and lived through you by appealing to your own ideals. But she could only put on a fake personality for a certain amount of time. She secretly takes pleasure in seeing you emotionally destroyed, because this is exactly how she feels and has always felt. And soon this secret of her true sadistic nature becomes exposed to you. The female narcissist was once a victim of physical, mental, emotional or sexual abuse as a child. Since then she have never been the same. Some narcissists recover and keep the empathy, consideration, ability to emotionally connect and love. The female narcissist however, loses all of these qualities. The female narcissist will project all her negativity, issues and misery on to you. But remember, you have a choice in your mind whether you want to accept her emotional baggage or not. Her goal is to drive you clinically insane or nudge you to suicide. I was even nudged to suicide myself by an ex narcissist. Somehow I survived the overdose of prescription medicine. She then messaged me a few months later saying it was "attention seeking". Even after my suicide attempt, she continued to emotionally abuse me. Telling me stories that she slept with five other men and had another boyfriend who she was having sex with while she was seeing me. The fact that I attempted suicide appeared to arouse some form of sadistic excitement within her. She loved the idea that she had the power to push me to do something like that. This only reinforced my belief that I was dealing with a sick, twisted, sadistic emotional predator. A few months after calling my suicide attempt "attention seeking", she then contacted me again. She told me she was sorry and when I tried to respond to her apology she then cut me off and began to talk over me. She said that she only contacted me to tell me she's sorry and that I don't need to say anything. Clearly this was not a genuine apology, it was just another attempt to emotionally abuse me and check if I was still emotionally attached to her. It confirmed my belief that I was dealing with a woman with full-blown narcissist personality disorder. The female narcissist is a sadistic, emotional predator. She will do or say whatever it takes to hurt you. She loves it if you become suicidal, this only makes her feel more powerful and in control of you. She does this because she is emotionally unstable herself. So she is trying to regulate her emotional state by destroying yours. If you become an emotional wreck, she suddenly doesn't feel so bad. The female narcissist compares her emotional state to her victims'. So when you are feeling good, she feels bad. When you are feeling bad, she feels good. Life is so much easier without the female narcissist. The first few months after the discard will be hard, but after that you will feel so relieved of the stress and anxiety you had felt when you were with them. The female narcissist leaves you feeling depressed, alone and even suicidal. That's how damaging she is. The female narcissist will never leave you better than you were before meeting her. But you can recover from narcissistic abuse, you can heal and become self-love abundant. If you still desire to speak to her after everything she has done, you are not only re-entering a dangerous and damaging situation, but it also suggests that you must be emotionally connected or attached to her. Although you may not recognise this on a conscious level, subconsciously your actions prove otherwise. It's as though you are in denial of your true feelings towards her. And sometimes as victims of narcissistic abuse, we learn to deny our true feelings once we become used to the fact that the female narcissist is unable to express theirs. She is not capable of of experiencing real love, a deep emotional connection, empathy, consideration or genuine happiness. Consider that you are still in love with her, or at least the false image. Really look within yourself and if you are just accept it, or you will never fully get over her.

This is a process I had to endure myself and it is essential for you to do this if you wish to heal and become an emotionally healthy person. You will soon realise that the female narcissist is nothing more than a fraud, a fake. Over time you will gradually become emotionally disconnected from her. You will realise that the person you originally met, the false image, never even existed. Look at her now... physically, mentally and emotionally. I bet she is completely different to how she was at the beginning of the relationship. All of her beliefs, values and principles are the exact opposite of what she displayed to you at the beginning. She isn't even remotely close to what she said she was. And the more you stay stuck in the past remembering the good times, the more difficult it will be to focus on the present, which will then lead to more problems in the future.

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Brian Wendell
Brian Wendell
Mar 06, 2022

This is profoundly accurate. I experienced everything written in this article except for the attempt on my life. I'm very grateful you are here to write. My ex was the happiest when she beat me in call of duty. She had this obsession with beating me at something and when I allowed her to win she was in bliss. She would run upstairs and rub it in my face and do a happy dance. But when I gave her flowers, affection, love and validation she was stoic and reserved. She had this intense desire to beat me at something, anything. I thought she was being cute and competitive until I realized she really was a nasty, spiteful, manipulative person outside…

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