Narcissists Hate Love. Many victims of narcissistic abuse believe that they can love the narcissist into loving them, but this never works. The narcissist was abused and neglected as a child. Every day for many years they were told that they are not good enough for anyone or anything. It was drilled into their heads daily that they are not loveable, they do not deserve to be loved. When you try to love the narcissist, it's an insult to them, it may even cause a narcissistic injury. The reason for this is that what you are doing is basically too little, too late.
The narcissist is thinking in their minds, "Where were you when I needed you?" As though they expected you to know exactly what they wanted at a specific time and place, before you even met. When you try to love the narcissist, it triggers them to reflect on specific times and places where they really wanted to be loved, they really wanted to be accepted. But no one was there for them. So when you come along many decades later and try to love the narcissist, it's a joke, it's an insult. Because in the narcissist's mind, they have been waiting there for years, and you never showed up.
When you try to love them, you are displaying something they wanted for a very long time and never had. It's as though you are peeling off the scab from their wound. The narcissist was once a child who wanted nothing more than to feel loved and accepted by their narcissistic parent. They did everything they could in an attempt to win their approval. They may have done everything the narcissistic parent wanted. Worked hard in school, cleaned the home and made dinner. These are all attempts to win the narcissistic parent's approval.
Of course, narcissists take everything for granted, they can never be satisfied or fulfilled and nothing is ever enough for them. When the child did something to win the narcissistic parent's approval, such as working hard in school and getting a B in an exam. The narcissistic parent is not thinking about how great it is that you got a B, they are thinking that you are not good enough because you didn't get an A. Even if you did get an A, they might be mildly satisfied with that, but once you've got it they are already thinking about what you
need to achieve next and that A is quickly forgotten about.
So the narcissist as a child was constantly chasing the approval of their narcissistic parent. Something which is impossible to achieve. They wanted nothing more than to feel loved and accepted by their narcissistic parent. Decades later, you come along and try to love the narcissist. It's a joke to them, an insult. They become frustrated and resentful towards you, like they probably were as a teenager towards their narcissistic parent. Because it's too little, too late. They needed that love and acceptance a long time ago.
Narcissists also have a deep hatred towards people of the opposite sex. This is due to a trauma they experienced when they were younger, which they never reflected on or tried to resolve. Since then they have decided that all men or women are this way. It's a learned behavior where they have assumed that love is just something you used to get what you want. It's not something meaningful or something you take seriously. They see it as a weakness, something to be exploited to extract whatever it is that you want from that person.
Due to their traumas they have become self-absorbed and now lack empathy. They don't care about what anyone else wants. So the only way the narcissist is going to stick around is if you give them what they want. Whether it's money, material things or sex. Giving them love isn't going to work, because it will only be seen as a joke or an insult and will likely cause a narcissistic injury. When you try to love the narcissist, it is seen as a weakness. To be loved is to be known, accepted and understood. The narcissist believes that they are beyond human understanding, they are too complex to be accepted by you.
When you try to love the narcissist, you are threatening their belief of being unique. In the narcissist's mind they are thinking that anyone can love, anyone can be loved, even animals. The narcissist looks down on these weak, vulnerable people trying to love each other and how they do not require such basic, standard emotions or qualities which everyone else so desperately desires. As I said earlier, the narcissist does not believe that they are loveable. The narcissistic parent's put downs and criticisms were programmed into their minds as a child.
As the narcissist got older, they developed an inner dialogue or inner critic. You may tell the narcissist that you love them. But the narcissist is not hearing what you are saying. All they are hearing in their minds is their own inner voice, which may be saying that they are worthless and insignificant. It triggers them to reflect on all of their faults, mistakes, insecurities, flaws and imperfections. Reminding them that they are not good enough. They are not worthy or deserving of love.
This may not have anything to do with your motive. You may be trying to tell them that you love them. But the narcissist cannot hear what you are saying, because they have been listening to that internal dialogue their entire lives. They don't really care about what your motive is. What matters is what they are hearing in their own minds. So you could try to explain to them that you do not hate them and your motives are not negative. But it's not going to affect how they see you.
They are not going to believe what you are saying to them. Because of the internal dialogue, the inner critic in their minds. The narcissist cannot accept being treated respectfully by you. It makes them feel uncomfortable. They expect to be treated badly or negatively. It's as though they are almost waiting for you to act in this way towards them. This is why they will appear to push and provoke you for no reason. Their inner dialogue or inner critic will even devalue you and focus on your faults, mistakes, flaws, insecurities and imperfections. Now you are not good enough for them, you are not worthy or deserving of their love.
They do not feel comfortable with your liking or respecting them. They do not feel comfortable liking or respecting you. It goes against their internal dialogue, their inner critic. It goes against what they were told by their narcissistic parent, which is now what they believe about themselves. So they will push and provoke you, to fulfil their expectation of you treating them bad or negatively. It eases the tension within them. It makes them feel more comfortable.
Their disorder is fixed in such a perfect way, where the exact things that they need to hear from you, the exact things that they need to understand which would override their internal dialogue or inner critic are the exact things that the disorder has been programmed to deny and block out the most. When the narcissist witnesses a person display love to someone else. Whether it's someone in their family or a person they don't know. This will cause a narcissistic injury.
The narcissist is pathologically envious and jealous. They might become passive-aggressive, or they will plot to separate the family or sabotage and destroy the relationship. Because that display of love is triggering the narcissist to reflect on their lack of love for themselves and other people. You may believe that you loved the narcissist. Love is very high on the emotional vibrational frequency chart. While narcissists are shame based individuals and shame is the lowest emotional vibrational frequency. Which means that there is no way you could really love a narcissist.
When you are around them, you will be pulled down to a low frequency within the range of fear. What you experienced with the narcissist was not love, it was attachment. For love to exist, the two people must be self-love abundant and emotionally vulnerable with each other. Narcissists are predatory, always plotting some form of abuse or manipulation on someone, which means that they are rarely even in the present moment. They are always ruminating in the past or anticipating the future. This makes it impossible for them to ever experience love. Where there is abuse or manipulation, there is no love.