Dating A Narcissist
Before I start this, I just want to give a disclaimer.
This is definitely something I do not recommend. I will not lower my
standards to dating these people. They have no value and nothing to offer you. They are empty meat suits and a complete waste of organs. Do not waste your breath on these fraudsters. Find real people of value who do have something to offer you. The narcissist will spend their life and make it their purpose, doing whatever they can to gain your attention. When you know your value as a person, you have self-esteem, self-worth, and self-belief. You will never settle for low-quality people, they are just cheap copies. Like a bargain store
version of what you really want, at best. I don't recommend giving a narcissist any of your time, energy, love, or anything else you have to offer. They are not worthy of your presence, they just think they are. Find people who are actually about something. People who have
positive energy, genuine happiness, emotional maturity, an ability to experience a deep emotional connection, and conversations with you. Ok, that's the disclaimer there, now let's begin with the topic.
What is it like to date a narcissist?
The early stages - before you enter a relationship with them. Narcissists love the beginning of a relationship. An ex narcissist told me after the discard about how she loves the "buzz" she gets from first meeting someone. That was her excuse for moving on in just a few days, from our relationship which lasted over a year. It's very true, narcissists do love the buzz they get from first meeting someone. After they have been with you for a while they get bored. Which really makes it impossible for them to ever sustain a relationship. They love the rush of someone not knowing what they are about. They love all of the attention and validation they get in the beginning. All of the compliments. They love the love-bombing phase. But when it comes to actually putting in the work to create a stable and loving relationship, the narcissist is nowhere to be seen.
When the going gets tough, the narcissist gets going. The narcissist is emotionally immature like a toddler, they don't know how to make a relationship work. They expect you to do all of the work for them. They don't realize that a relationship involves two people and it's supposed to be 50/50. Even when you do make this clear to them, it just makes them more and more disinterested in you. It's too difficult for them, they don't want to put in the work, they are lazy. They would rather give up on the relationship and find someone new who will do all of the work for them. At least until they figure them out too. They are fine with love-bombing you in the beginning. Many narcissists are codependent and get narcissistic supply from giving. They enjoy the act of buying gifts or giving you compliments in the beginning. It makes them feel as though they are worth something, they have something to give to you. They also have nothing else to give. They have low-energy, empty and dull personalities. No ability to hold a deep conversation. No genuineness. They have to compensate for that by love bombing you. They have to be a consistent face and voice in your life to get you hooked. They have to get you used to having them around. They create a false personality, an act to lure you in.
They want you to believe that they are everything you could ever want when in reality their true selves are actually everything you do not want in your life. They will show you what you want to see and tell you what you want to hear. They will mirror you and pretend to like the same things that you do. They will appeal to your own ideals. Unlike the narcissist, we actually like ourselves for real. So when they come along and start mirroring us, naturally we are going to like them too. It's familiar to us and they know it's what we are about. It's like they are holding a mirror in front of us and we are falling in love with ourselves. But when it comes to meeting your emotional needs. That is something they cannot do. They never did it when you were dating either. They have studied people to see how to fake compliments and fake understanding you. It isn't long before the same things they claimed to understand so well, are the very things that you will soon be arguing about. Because they lied about that, they faked understanding you, they faked meeting your emotional needs.
While you were dating, they might have told you they loved a restaurant, a television show, or other interests that you like. Later into the relationship, they will be arguing with you about going to that very restaurant or watching that television show. Their lies were calculated specifically to manipulate you and secure you as a source. You may have thought that they were really understanding you, they were really emotionally connected to you. But for them, it was all a game. They mirrored your own ideals, copied what they have seen people do in similar romantic interactions. They were never about any of that. They don't even have the emotional capabilities to meet your needs or to sustain a relationship with you. That's why when it comes to actually discussing your emotions, they don't want to know. They don't want to sit down with you and resolve problems. It's too much work for them.
Self-reflection and expressing emotions is one of the most difficult things for a narcissist to do. They have lived their entire lives in denial, denying how they really feel. They don't want to look within themselves and accept responsibility or accountability for anything. It's too painful for them to admit that they might have made a mistake or fault. It's so much easier for them to project, deny, and blame-shift. Or they will just leave the relationship, they will discard you. Because it's just too difficult for them to be emotionally vulnerable. They cannot be real with you. When you are with the narcissist, in the beginning, you could actually be having a good time. But it's not because of them, it's only fun because you're there. It would probably be more fun if you were by yourself since you wouldn't have their fake personality or negative energy getting in the way of you having a good time. They create this false personality in the hopes that you will become dependent on them, but they have no intention of actually following up their words with action. They display all of these fake beliefs, values, and principles. They might tell you that they are loyal, honest, and trustworthy.
Over time you will soon discover that they aren't about any of that, they only said it because they knew that's what you're about.
Narcissists aren't about anything and they are not interested in anything that you're interested in, they have no capabilities to make it a reality and they are just pretending. It's an act to them, they are great actors, but they are not about anything for real. They haven't even got the means to follow up with most of the things they say. But they will say or do anything to make you believe it. Once you start to see through them and realize that they are completely different from what you saw, in the beginning, they will bring back the false personality occasionally, to make you want to stay. It makes you think that maybe you got it wrong. But soon enough, their true selves will be revealed again and that's everything you do not want to be involved with. There will be a point where you no longer believe in them, you will discredit everything they say because you realize that it never matches their actions. This is the point where they will no longer want anything to do with you and you are seen as a lost cause. What good are you to them if you cannot validate them and see them as the amazing person they want you to see them as? You realize that they are not capable and they ain't about anything good. They have nothing to give to you, you know it and they know that you now see them in this way. So you are no longer any good to them if you cannot validate their fake personalities and their illusions. You cannot see them the way that they want to be seen, you see them exactly as they are, flawed and no good to you.
Narcissists have an inferiority complex. They are fuelled by self-hatred, anger, envy, and jealousy to sabotage and destroy your life. They are fraudulent people which leads them to become hyper-vigilante, assuming that you could be just like them. Even when they discover that you are real and genuine, that will only make them hate and envy you even more. They want to be real, genuine, credible people... but they're not and they know it. So now, the only way they can feel like they're real, genuine, and credible people, is to destroy you. Everything they do or say is a perfect example of inferiority. They will mess up everything that they worked so hard for because they get bored so easily. They build the false character and at first, it is entertaining for them, it is providing them with narcissistic supply. It is giving them attention and validation. But over time this becomes less and less interesting for them.
Now the only way that they can maintain the same level of narcissistic supply is to devalue you. Being with a narcissist can feel more lonely than if you were by yourself. They also drain you of your love, energy, and happiness. They give nothing in return. They do not care about you, they feel no empathy or consideration towards you. They only feel empathy and consideration for themselves. The narcissist will soon begin to isolate you. They want to keep you out of work, away from any potential friendships or relationships. The more things you have going on in your life, the more difficult it becomes for them to abuse and manipulate you. They know this, which is why they will do whatever they can to sabotage all of these things. Being with the narcissist you spend so much time and energy focusing on pleasing them, doing whatever they want you to do, avoiding everything that they don't like. When they leave, you feel so alone because you have been erased at a core level. You don't know who you are, you don't know what you like, what you don't like, what is right, what is wrong. You have to learn about yourself all over again, you have to redevelop your personality.
The narcissist is in an endless chase of trying to obtain whatever supply they can at any given moment. They will try to obtain supply by impressing you, through switching conversation topics, and once this gets boring you will then see the desperate, sadistic, malignant, and pathological side of the narcissist. This is when the narcissist will do literally whatever it takes to obtain their narcissistic supply. This is where they will do and say the sickest, twisted things you could ever imagine. When they become disinterested with the false character they originally used to lure you in when it is no longer obtaining narcissistic
supply, they will bail on that and then reveal their true selves. In their next relationship, they will create a new false character, which is tailor made for whatever the new source is interested in, to attract them. They will mirror you, your likes and dislikes, be whatever you want to see or hear. But that's not really them, over time you will soon see who they really are and by then you will wish you had never met them.
Players and narcissists are the same. They have no respect for you, they do not value you and they have no empathy or consideration for you. They are never satisfied, never genuinely happy, never appreciative of what they have. They do not honor loyalty, but they will make you believe that they do. They can be abusive and manipulative, especially if they don't get their way. They make you believe that they are what you want. You soon discover that they are everything you do not want in your life. They only lied in the beginning because they knew that if you could see the real them, you wouldn't want anything to do with them. But once you've been with them for some time and developed an emotional connection towards them... they know that even if they show their true self, it's going to be hard for you to move on. The narcissist is likely to be cheating on you. This is common even around normal people, so it is especially common with narcissists. Men have a natural instinct or urge to cheat on their partners once they are pregnant. This is because of man's natural urge to reproduce and populate. It is especially common for a narcissistic man to do this because they lack empathy and consideration towards their partner. If you are pregnant by a narcissistic man, you should expect them to leave. It is inevitable, they will even push for you to have an abortion. They love to reject or abandon you because they know it's inevitable you're going to get rid of them once you discover what they're really about.
They are obsessed with power and control. They will sabotage their own relationships just for that feeling of power, as though they are better than you or superior in some way. They have to feel like they have won. And you can only win if you're playing a game, their life is nothing but a game. This is why they will put you down and exaggerate your mistakes. When it comes to their mistakes they will minimize them or project them or on to you. Sometimes they will just deny that it ever happened. They struggle to face reality. They are extremely insecure, they have low self-worth, low self-esteem, low self-assurance, low self-belief.
They have an inferiority complex and a reptilian brain. Any disrespect destroys them and makes them feel even more worthless than they already feel. They cannot take it because their value is dependent on external influences. Their confidence and value are all fake.
It's defined by how much money they have, material things, relationships, attention, and admiration. So when you have a disagreement with them later into the relationship.
Don't expect them to stick around. A self-loving, emotionally healthy person will want to resolve the situation. They will not give up, they will want to work on whatever is going wrong. That's what it means to be emotionally mature. That's what it means to be a man... or a woman. We face our problems, we don't run from them. But that's just too difficult for the narcissist. And that's why they have such an issue with being loyal, honest, and trustworthy.
How can you be loyal, honest, or trustworthy to anyone, when you run from serious issues?
And that's why I highly recommend never dating a narcissist.