Updated: Nov 11, 2020
We do assume that we are dealing with honest, genuine and trustworthy people like ourselves. But narcissists are not honest, genuine or trustworthy. They are emotionally immature like children. They will not accept responsibility or accountability for their faults or mistakes. So they will never learn or grow from them. They remain in this emotionally immature state since they never accepted responsibility or accountability for their faults or
mistakes. They manage your interactions through resistance. This is designed to leave you to chase them or how you want them to be. It gives them narcissistic supply - a sense of power and control over the situation. If they let go of their resistance towards you, this would then give you the power. If you had the power, you would then realise that this person isn't serving you or improving your life in any way. This is why they hold on to this position of power or control so strongly. They know that they can either this position or you are going to want nothing to do with them. And they already know how painful it is going to be, to not be wanted or desired by you. Their value is based on your desire of them, they are externally validated.
Narcissists study you to find any weaknesses or vulnerabilities for them to get in. From there they will then manage your boundaries, as well as your beliefs, values and principles. This is done through influencing your thoughts through emotional abuse, manipulation, subtle comments and backhanded compliments. By influencing your thoughts through these covert tactics, this then leads to a change in your feelings, which then leads to a change
in your actions and behaviours. Now they have control over what you are thinking and feeling and how you are acting and behaving. And since they are the ones who influenced all of this, they can already predict how you are going to think, feel, act and behave
before you even know. If you act or behave in a way that doesn't benefit them, they will then go back to influencing your thoughts through their covert tactics. It's all about managing how you see yourself, them, other people and the world around you. This is what gives them total control over the situation. If you are paying attention, you will see the mask come off at the beginning of the relationship. Pay attention to how they talk about other people, soon they will be talking about you like that. A narcissist can only withhold their hate, anger, envy and jealousy for a certain amount of time. At some point, it's going to come out, on you. They might test the water by disrespecting someone else to you, then they will disrespect you directly. From this point, it just gets worse and worse, until the mask is all the way off. Once the narcissist has used you up for all of the life and energy they can get out of you, the mask will be all the way off. At that point, they have nothing to lose. This is when they will say and do the most messed up things you can't even imagine. They will do things even they never thought they would be doing, but over time it will become normalised. The longer you stay with them, the more this will escalate. If you are tolerating psychological, emotional and even physical abuse and you are still keeping it together, the narcissist won't be
satisfied. This is when they can become very dangerous. They need narcissistic supply to survive, just like we need air to breathe. If their current tactics are not working, it will escalate as much as it needs to, until they get what they want.
If you could go back in time a few years and tell their past selves what they are doing in the present moment, they would call you a crazy person. They would tell you that there is no way they would ever be doing something like that. And that's how you know that whatever they are doing to you now will have to escalate in time to come. As time goes on, they have to become more and more abusive to get the same high. Just like a cocaine addict requires more and more cocaine to chase the high they had the first time. That's why it is inevitable that the abuse will escalate and gradually become normalised until previously unimaginable acts could take place. I don't believe narcissists even have the ability to have a genuine conversation. They are always putting on an act or creating an illusion with their words.
They use conversations to obtain narcissistic supply by emotionally abusing or manipulating you. They cannot put themselves in your shoes, they cannot see things the way that you do.
They do not want a resolution or a mutual understanding. They want dominance, they want to control you.
A resolution or mutual understanding makes it very difficult for them to dominate or control you. A genuine conversation would require truth and as we know, narcissists hate the truth because the truth would expose them. The truth would expose the very person that they are trying to hide. So you cannot have a genuine conversation with a narcissist, it's just not possible. A genuine conversation would require truth. Don't expect truth from the narcissist, don't expect any vulnerability. Just know that because of their inability to be real or authentic with you, it makes it impossible for them to experience any real genuine positive emotions. It makes it impossible for them to live in truth, acceptance or any form of love.
Instead, they remain stuck in an endless cycle of trying to gather whatever dominance or control they can gain over you and the situation. It has everything to do with them and almost nothing to do with you. Once you start confronting them and making it difficult for them to obtain supply, you become a lost cause. They look for you in someone else. When they find a new source they try to make them like you, but a fresh version that doesn’t know what they are really about. It isn’t personal, they do this to everyone, just in different forms. They may not abuse or manipulate the next person in the same way that they did with you, but that doesn’t mean they are not abusing or manipulating them. This is something they do all day every day. It’s just different people have different vulnerabilities, weaknesses or insecurities.
So they will tailor-make their abuse and manipulation to that specific person. They have to punish you for triggering them to reflect on their self-hatred and envy of you. That’s what motivates or drives them to do what they do. They could not do it without motivation. And their motivation comes from their self-hatred and envy of you, which your presence has triggered them to reflect on. They want you to feel that you are not loveable. The reason for this is because they were told that they are not loveable as a child or they were neglected.
Instead of self-reflecting on their traumatic experiences, they choose to project those emotions on to you. This is why they will do everything they can to make their targets feel that they are not loveable. It’s projection. Just as they try to make you feel worthless and insignificant, projection again. They are so desperately and obsessively trying to provoke these emotions within you because it relieves their pain and misery. Hurting you appears to provide them with some relief, in some sick and twisted way. It makes them feel powerful.
So this is why they will so desperately and obsessively go out of their way to do this to you. However they are trying to make you feel, that’s how they feel. They have learned this behaviour as a child. They could not be overtly angry to their parents, so they learned these covert tactics which are under the radar. Since then they have perfected this craft to deal with adults. They never learned how to be open, honest and genuine. Or how to resolve an argument or disagreement. Instead, they use covert passive-aggressive tactics as a way of expressing their intense negative emotions. These tactics are either going to be a result of their narcissistic rage, or they are going to be used strategically to control you. And this is why they are always trying to make you think that something is wrong with you or you are going crazy. If they can get you to believe that something is wrong with you, they can control you. They can then influence you to seek validation from them, rather than validating yourself. This creates a trauma bond. They want you to believe that you are not good enough, for whatever reason. This keeps you looking at yourself rather than seeing everything that is not right with them. It gives them the upper hand and gives them further control over you.
Now you are doubting yourself, you have developed low self-esteem. Now they can tell you whatever they want and you will believe it. You will even modify your thoughts, feelings, actions and behaviours to suit however they have defined you. This is how they control your mind. And when you act on the dysfunctional thoughts and feelings which they have planted in your mind, you may have actions or behaviours that are not considered to be socially acceptable. Now the narcissist can point the finger at you and call you crazy. It makes it more believable to the flying monkeys and now they can create a smear campaign. Do not entertain anything from these individuals. Everything they do revolves around control and dominance. Pay attention to their behaviour, it reveals a lot about their mental state, emotional maturity level and their level of responsibility and accountability. If their behaviour reveals that they are emotionally immature and are not willing to accept responsibility or accountability for anything that they do, you shouldn't even desire to interact with people like that.
Narcissists hate the truth because the truth exposes the fake inauthentic person behind the mask. At the beginning of the relationship, they appealed to your own ideals and mirrored you, but that was just to cover the true distasteful and undesirable person they are underneath. Remember how they told you they love you, they want to marry and have children with you. If that was true, how could they suddenly disappear as though you never meant anything to them? This doesn't suddenly change when they meet someone else, although they will try to make it seem that way. Nothing ever changes, the cycle only repeats itself. As Quinn once said, the narcissist tries to cover the shit that they are with perfume. But their true stench always comes out in the end. Sometimes we overlook it, due to the trauma bond and how they developed this addiction to them. It's not that there is something wrong with you. It's just the narcissist has infected you and they are playing a game with you. They do not care about your psychological or emotional health, they want to destroy that.
They see you as a free-spirited, loving, caring or innocent person... and nothing burns their heart more. It makes them want to abuse and manipulate you forever and withhold whatever you desire, want or need away from you. Because they have never experienced true satisfaction or fulfilment. They could never achieve or obtain to the level that they desired.
They don't forget this stuff, even if the years or decades have gone by. They will still try to hoover you or track you down. If they see that you have left that hole which they put you in and finally found whatever you desired, wanted or needed from them. But you achieved and obtained it all on your own. Maybe you finally got your own home and you have a loving husband or wife, beautiful children. They will be back and they will want to take all of that from you, they will want to destroy it all. They know how to make you look like a bad person or like something is wrong with you. It will be the smear campaign or gangstalking all over again. Don't think that because you have a family and you have children, that they are going to treat you with some respect and leave you to look after your family. They will basically want to kill you at that point. Because they know that they will never have what you have.
They will never be loved. And they are extremely envious and jealous people. This is why many survivors of narcissistic abuse will move to a different city or even leave the country.
These narcissists don't just leave you for dead. They hoover or stalk you to make sure you're not going to get back up. To make sure you're not going to move on with your life and start a family with someone else. Because that's what all of this comes down to. Everything they do, it's designed to prevent you from living a life that they know they will never live. All of the psychological, emotional or physical abuse is designed to leave you so damaged, that you will never be good enough for anyone else after they are gone. This is what hurts them the most, the thought of you moving on with someone else. The thought of you finding love and having children with someone who loves you. Because they know that they will never have that. And that's what makes them so mad, so bitter and jealous. Their inner dialogue or inner critic tells them that they are not meant to be loved. Nothing will ever change with them. You may have cognitive dissonance, where you were told that you are the problem or something is wrong with you. You tried to make a positive change in yourself, in your decisions and your behaviours. What effect did that have on the relationship? Did it make a difference? When something is always your fault, no matter how much you positively change yourself, your decisions and behaviours... that's when you should realise that you are not the problem in that situation. When you feel like you can't do anything right and there is nothing you can do to please them. That's when you should know it isn't you. Because we all naturally have the capabilities to please a normal, healthy individual.
When the positive changes in yourself, decisions and behaviours have no effect on your environment, there is no way that you are the problem. That wouldn't make any sense. How can you develop a higher level of self-awareness and make positive changes in yourself and then still be the problem? It suggests that you were never the issue in that relationship. Narcissists are too weak and fragile to accept their faults or mistakes. They want to shift the blame on to you, they want you to think that everything is your fault. They know that you're a good person, they know that you're empathic. If they didn't think that about you, they wouldn't even try to shift the blame on to you or make you think something is your fault. Because if you're not a caring or empathic person, you wouldn't even consider taking responsibility. Narcissists target people who care and then take advantage of them. They do not target people who don't care. If you don't care, there is no way for them to emotionally abuse you, there is no way for them to manipulate you. They target good people and then try to make them think that they are bad. Since this good person is going to be loving and caring, they are naturally going to desire to fix what is happening. This is where the narcissist sits back and gets this good person to do everything for them, chasing their approval and admiration. While making this good person believe that something is wrong with them or they are not good enough. When they were good enough all along.
The narcissist's game is to make you think that you're not good enough for them when really they know that they're not good enough