4 Things The Narcissist Doesn't Want You To Know
The covert narcissist doesn't want you to know that they are fully aware that what they are doing is wrong. They know that what they are doing is wrong and that is why they do everything they can to hide it. They keep a code of silence. They lie. They use manipulation tactics such as denial, projection, blame-shifting and gaslighting. If they really believed that what they are doing is acceptable behaviour, why would they ever need to hide it? Why would they need to lie or use all of these manipulation tactics?
The covert narcissist is fully aware that what they are doing is wrong. If they didn't believe that what they are doing is wrong, they would always be like that. You will notice a completely different person from when you are with them in private, to when you are with them in public. They understand that their behaviour is socially unacceptable, morally wrong and even against the law. This is why they will do everything they can to hide what they are doing to you. They will confuse you and try to make you think that what they are doing is not abuse. Or they will accuse you of what they are doing to take the focus off them and put you in a position of defending yourself. They will try to make you think that they don't understand what they are doing or you are hurting them. They will use this to make you doubt your own reality and then claim that you are going crazy or something is wrong with you. Which helps them to maintain the code of silence. They don't want you to know that they know their behaviour is wrong, because then they could no longer act like the victim. You would also stop trying to get them to understand, as you would realise that their behaviour is not going to change.
Which leads us to number Two.
The narcissist doesn't want you to know that they enjoy the dysfunctional environment. They want to make you believe that they hate having you around them or they hate arguing with you...But they actually enjoy it. Conflict is familiar to them, it's what they experienced in their childhood. It gives them an opportunity to abuse, dominate and control you. They like it when you confront them and try to get them to understand. It makes them feel powerful. They already know what they are doing wrong and they have no intention of changing their behaviour. But they like to make a game out of it and put you through their maze, with the false belief that maybe this time it will be different. Or if you do this one thing for them, it might be different this time. The truth is it's never going to change, regardless of what you say or do. And the reason for this is because they prefer dysfunctional environments. They like chaos and drama. It's familiar to what they have experienced in their childhood, so it has become attractive to them. It excites them and gives them a sense of belonging. They haven't begun to resolve their childhood traumas, so they are attracted to whatever traumatised them in their childhood. And this is something that will change. They will endlessly try to recreate the environment that they experienced as children, using you as a character in this. The familiarity makes them feel comfortable and gives them a sense of belonging. But it doesn't heal their traumas, because this is something that is supposed to be resolved within, rather than being acted out in an external environment. So they gravitate towards anyone or anything that can help them to recreate what traumatised them in childhood.
The narcissist secretly admires your appearance, personality and characteristics. This is what attracted them to you, rather than anyone else. It doesn't mean that they appreciated you as a person. They see us as objects or fashion accessories, tools to assist them in obtaining their narcissistic supply. But they do admire your appearance, personality and characteristics. They don't want you to know this, because then that would take away their power to control you. It would validate you and boost your self-esteem. It would wake you up to the truth of the situation. The game is to make you believe that you're not good enough for them when secretly they know that they're not good enough for you. This is why they will intentionally withhold their validation to make you question if you are good enough. They want you to feel worthless and insignificant, it's projection. They withhold their validation or try to make you believe that you're not good enough for them, as a way of projecting their own self-hatred on to you.
They will also try to compete with you or mimic your personality or characteristics. Take a step back and really observe and identify their behaviours, using logic or reasoning. They make personal attacks on your appearance, personality or characteristics and then suddenly they are mimicking them or using them in an attempt to compete with you. Very contradictory behaviour. Clearly, they were not being truthful about what they originally led you to believe about your appearance, personality or characteristics. Due to their self-hatred, low self-esteem and as a coping mechanism for their pathological envy, they will mimic your appearance, personality or characteristics. They don't appreciate you as a person, but they admire everything about you.
Of course, they will never tell you this as they want to maintain their power to control you.
If you knew the true contrast between them and you, and how much of a better person you are, you wouldn't even desire to be near them. And they know this, they always knew this. That's where their desire or motive to target your self-esteem or withhold validation from you came from.
They don't want you to know what they are thinking when they are withholding their validation from you. If you really knew what was going on in their minds when they are withholding their validation from you. If you really understood their thought process, you wouldn't waste your time chasing their validation, or trying to use logic or
reasoning with them. You wouldn't need them to validate you. You wouldn't question your own value or significance. You wouldn't want anything to do with them. Instead, you would go in the opposite direction and find someone who can give you what you want.
Narcissists cannot validate you because their cups are always half full, as their cups have a hole at the bottom where the liquid leaks out. Nothing is ever enough for them. They can never be satisfied or fulfilled. They make you chase their validation or get people to validate them, which pours into their cups, but because of the hole at the bottom, it leaks out, it never satisfies or fulfils them.
A person can't really give to someone else until they have filled their own cup. And since narcissists can never fill their own cups due to the hole at the bottom, they are never capable of giving anything to you. Narcissists are endlessly chasing validation from other people, but no amount of validation is ever enough for them because of the hole at the bottom. What would fill the hole, is their own self-validation. But narcissists do not like to self reflect or look within, it's too painful for them to reflect on their toxic shame. So they will continue chasing validation from other people and using you to chase them and withholding validation from you.
When they are withholding validation from you, in their minds they are thinking "Wow this person really needs what I could so easily give to them. I can just dangle it in front of them like a carrot and they come chasing after it. I feel so powerful and important. Valuable and significant. Without me they are nothing, they have nothing to do. I am giving them their purpose in life and their purpose is to chase me and the validation which they will never receive".