Updated: Nov 23
When they first meet you, you are perfect. But naturally time will reveal a fault or mistake, a flaw or imperfection... no one is perfect. This causes the narcissist to devalue you. You suddenly go from being all good to all bad - due to their black or white thinking, good or bad mentality. They have to think this way to function. How they see you reflects on how they see themselves. They cannot appreciate you, the root of narcissism is their pathological envy and jealousy. Your talents, qualities and traits trigger them to reflect on their weaknesses or insecurities. This triggers them to devalue you, as how they see you reflects on how they see themselves. At some point they have to see you as all bad, to see themselves as all good. If they don't, they will be forced to accept their own weaknesses or insecurities. And this is not something a narcissist is going to do. You are seen as this perfect, amazing person when they first meet you. But no one can sustain perfection over a long period of time. Which means that no one can satisfy or fulfil the narcissist.
They are like a bucket with a leak, no matter how much you put into them, it will always leak out. You can keep filling them up with attention, validation, approval and admiration... but it will never sustain them. The narcissist doesn't self reflect or look within themselves. They project their issues on to you. In their minds, it's not that they cannot be satisfied or fulfilled, you cannot do enough for them. The problem is, nothing is ever enough for them. Which is why they can never sustain a relationship. As soon as it gets tough, when it's time to put in the work to sustain the relationship, they are out of there. Because they were never in it to make it work, they were never in it to give anything to you. They are self absorbed and lack empathy. They only care about their own needs. They see you as an object or as an extension of them. In their minds, you exist to serve them. But no amount of serving them will ever satisfy or fulfil them because they have a void which cannot be filled. But because the narcissist doesn't self reflect, they can only project on to you.
Anything to avoid facing the truth, that they are not perfect, they make mistakes. They have weaknesses or insecurities. And that is what they are running from, the truth that maybe they are not as great as they think they might be. On the surface they act arrogant and entitled, as though you are not good enough for them. But this is actually a front. Deep down they believe that they are not worthy or deserving of you. The game is to make you believe that you are not good enough for them. If they can get you to believe it, it makes it more believable for them. This is why they target your self worth and self esteem. They use manipulation tactics to confuse you and make you doubt your reality. It helps to maintain their false image of superiority. From the beginning of the relationship, they always felt as though they were not worthy or deserving of you. They knew from the beginning that the relationship was going to end.
They believed that at some point you were going to start noticing all of their faults, mistakes, flaws and imperfections. And you were no longer going to find them attractive, you were no longer going to be interested in them. The narcissist was once a victim, who was abused and devalued religiously. Every fault or mistake that they made was met with rage, most likely by their narcissistic parent. Every flaw or imperfection was exaggerated until they felt that they were the most undesirable people in the world.
Over time it became ingrained into their heads, that unless you are perfect or completely flawless, you will never be loved. You will never be appreciated, you will never be good enough. This was taught to them from a young age. The narcissistic parent's voice became the inner critic or inner dialogue in their minds. It took over their thought process and then became a part of their core belief system. This is all they really know. In their minds everything has to be perfect, which leads to their mentality of nothing ever being good enough. Because they could never be good enough.
So now that's how they see you. It was taught to them as children. Now they are trying to project this inner critic or inner dialogue on to other people, especially those who trigger them into reflecting on that voice in their heads. Because of this, they never felt worthy or deserving of you. They never felt as though they were good enough for you. They believed that at some point you were going to discover a fault, mistake, flaw or imperfection and no longer be attracted to them. As they became more aware of everything you had to offer. Your qualities, talents and traits. Everything good that was going on in your life. It triggered them to reflect on the lack of their own qualities, talents and traits. And how they didn't have much going on in their lives. This is where it became a competition and then they were constantly trying to devalue you and everything that you were doing. They wanted to project their feelings of worthless and insignificance on to you. They were constantly trying to compete with you, trying to prove themselves to you. But really it's all about them and how they feel. They are trying to regulate their emotions. Trying to project their self hatred on to you. And this results in them self sabotaging and destroying the relationship. The relationship which they never felt worthy or deserving of. In the end it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Because of their thoughts, feelings and beliefs. The belief that they are not worthy or deserving of you. This is where their out of control, attention-seeking behaviour comes from. It's an attempt to prove to you and to themselves that they are worthy or deserving of you, when secretly they believe the opposite to be true. It's like a split personality. The real part of them believes that they are not worthy or deserving, so they created this false self who is not only worthy and deserving, but no one is worthy or deserving of them.
There is a constant fight between the real part of them who is worthless and insignificant and the false self who is too good for anyone. And this is what separates them from the rest of us, who are still grounded in reality. This is what compels them to constantly compete with you and prove themselves to you. This is why it can seem so contradictory. When they act like they love themselves and you're not good enough for them. Yet they're the ones who are constantly showcasing their qualities, talents or traits. They have to showcase and exaggerate everything that they are doing. And inflate the importance or the significance of it. While devaluing or minimising everything that you are doing. That's the only way that they can compete. And it's this obsessive need to fight the inner critic or inner dialogue in their minds, which compels them into engaging in these types of behaviours. It all starts with their thoughts, which then leads to their feelings of hatred, anger, envy, jealousy, fear, guilt or shame.
These emotions then lead to their actions or behaviours. They are acting on their weak, uncontrollable emotions, rather than logic or reasoning. A relationship without logic or reasoning could end at any moment, especially when it is based on out of control emotions. It's very unpredictable. This is what creates the illusion of excitement. It's like an emotional rollercoaster with ups and downs and you never know what's around the corner. It creates an addiction. And if you are from a dysfunctional family, you will be naturally attracted to these types of people. It isn't until you take some time to reflect, heal your childhood traumas and practice self love, that you really start to understand what you were dealing with. It isn't until you get off the ride, that you realise just how crazy the narcissist was. You have to leave the environment and observe it from an outsider's point of view, then it makes a lot more sense. Detach your emotions and see it from a logical perspective. You will start to see that they are like children, constantly trying to get your attention, trying to get you to validate them. Trying to be the best, in a world where there is always someone better. And this all comes from childhood neglect, not being validated when they were children, not feeling as though they were good enough. Constantly competing for their parent's attention. If you take a step back and really look at them. Look at their behaviours, look at what they are trying to achieve. You will see that they really haven't changed since then. They never got the attention or validation when they were children. This has led them to an endless road where they are now constantly chasing this attention or validation from other people. They are self absorbed and lack empathy. Unable to consider anyone else, unable to attend to or validate another person. They may have had relationships in the past. But those relationships revolved around serving them. It was all about what the other person could do for them or give to them. So they never learned how to attend to another person's needs or how to validate them. When you first meet them, it's all about impressing you. But once they've got your attention or validation, all they care about is what you can do for them. Narcissists do not self reflect for long periods of time, so that attention or validation never heals their inner child. Instead, it goes to the narcissist's false self. The part of them that can never get enough, can never be satisfied or fulfilled. So they remain in this state of being self absorbed and lacking empathy. And it's all because somewhere in there is a child who just wants to be appreciated, just wants to be loved. And you may be thinking, wow that's great, I want to be appreciative of them, I want to love them. But it isn't that simple. The appreciation or love which they so desperately crave or desire from you, is also the very thing that the inner critic or inner dialogue has been programmed to block or deny. This goes back to what I said about their narcissistic parent and how they were constantly told as children, that they are not good enough, they are not meant to be loved. This was really ingrained into their minds. So now they cannot efficiently perceive any acts of love or kindness, once you have got to know them. Once you know what they are about. Narcissists are not interested in people who are interested in them. They only want people to validate their false selves and their illusions. If you are around them enough, it is only a matter of time until you get to know them and that is when they begin to lose interest.
They were always told that the real them is not good enough. That part of them is not worthy or deserving of love or appreciation. So as you get close to them, as you get to know them... They will appear to act out for no reason, like they want to make you hate them. To validate the narcissistic parent's programming in their minds, that they are not meant to be loved. They will even look for evidence of this, in your words, actions and behaviours. Anything to support the narrative that you are against them, or you don't really love or care about them. Then they will focus on that, day after day, the same argument or disagreement about something you've said or done. Which may never have been intended to hurt them. But they have to see it that way to support the narcissistic parent's programming. If they cannot find any evidence to support this, they will push and provoke you until they do. Until whatever narrative or belief they have in their minds becomes a reality. It has to be in sync for them to feel comfortable. I could go deeper into this, but I think this is enough. I hope this video has helped you to understand why narcissists try so hard and then sabotage the relationship.