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Narcissists need people who will believe in their false reality and their false selves. You need to believe everything they say or do to be able to give them the attention and validation they need. If you cannot do this you are no good for them, you become a lost cause. You are no longer validating them. If there is one thing a narcissist hates, it's people who don't believe in them. And they're not going to put the work in to be something you can believe in. The only part they work on is their image and the illusion. There are three phases when you are in a relationship with a narcissist. Love-bombing, devaluation and discard. The discard phase is the final phase of a relationship with a narcissist. This is the part when everything you once thought to be true, could now be questioned. Throughout the devaluation phase you may have been covertly abused and manipulated. They would have done most of this under the radar, but if you ever confronted them they would never reveal the true character behind the mask. They use manipulative tactics to prevent the exposure of the truth. Tactics such as projection, denial, blame shifting and gaslighting. I am going to read a definition on projection from Wikipedia which I have found to resonate with my personal experiences: Psychological projection is a defence mechanism in which the human ego defends itself against unconscious impulses or qualities (both positive and negative) by denying their existence in themselves while attributing them to others. For example, a person who is habitually rude may constantly accuse other people of being rude. It incorporates blame shifting. Denial is when they act as though there is no issue and they might say you are wrong or you are imagining it. Blame shifting is when they deny any responsibility or accountability for their actions and instead put the blame on to you. Gaslighting sows seeds of doubt within you, making you question your own memory, perception and sanity. In the discard phase, they are treating you in a similar way to the devaluation phase. They are still devaluing and disrespecting you. The devaluation phase moves to the discard phase because you are confronting them about the issues in the relationship. You are confronting them about how they have been treating you. If you are not confronting them, you are withholding your attention, validation, approval or admiration of them. You might be withholding sex, because it doesn't feel the same way any more. You may not be doing this intentionally or as a game like the narcissist often does. You are withholding these things as an effect of the devaluation and disrespect you have received from the narcissist. Towards the end of the devaluation phase you were getting tired of their abusive and manipulative ways. You were making it difficult for them to abuse and manipulate you. You were making it difficult for them to get their needs met. Narcissists do not like hard work. They do not care that they have been abusing and manipulating you. They still expect you to fulfill their needs, regardless of what they do to you. They have this sense of arrogance and entitlement. And they are self-absorbed and lack empathy. Remember the narcissist was never with you because they loved or cared about you. They only care about themselves and while they were with you, it was just to extract whatever it is they need from you in that moment. This may have been your attention, validation, approval and admiration. A sense of dominance, power and control over you. This is basically narcissistic supply. They may have also been with you for money, material items, affection or sex. Narcissists only get worse, they never get better. They can only create the illusion as though they are better. So at some point the abuse and manipulation got so bad that you no longer desired to give them attention. Because any time that you gave them attention, it was met with abuse and manipulation. They use conversations to emotionally abuse and manipulate you. Whether it's in person, on the phone or by text. They have a lot of practice and have perfected the art of emotional abuse and manipulating your thoughts and feelings through all of these forms of communication. You no longer feel as though they were worthy or deserving of your validation, approval or admiration. How could you approve of or admire someone who thinks it's ok to abuse and manipulate you? So you no longer gave them validation, approval or admiration. You made it difficult for them to dominate you, by no longer feeding into their games. You limited their opportunities to control how you think, feel and behave. This made them feel powerless. You may have stopped giving them money or material items, as you didn't not believe that they were worthy of deserving of those things after how they had treated you. You may have stopped having sex with them, because you didn't feel they were worthy or deserving of having sex with you. Or because you no longer felt attractive, you no longer felt desirable after the devaluation and disrespect you had received. So because you stopped doing all of this, you stopped fulfilling the narcissist's needs. That's the only reason why the narcissist desires to have a relationship. It's all about what they can extract, what they can get from the person. They do not consider that the only reason you had stopped doing those things is because of how they were abusing and manipulating you, devaluing and disrespecting you. But the devaluation was inevitable. At the beginning of the relationship, you are seen as a perfect, everything they could ever want. They soon realise through witnessing some fault, mistake, flaw or imperfection... that you are not perfect. Suddenly you go from being this perfect person, to being completely flawed and worthless. Now you can't say or do anything right. The reason why this happens is because the narcissist places you on a pedestal at the beginning of the relationship. They practically worship you, you are perfect, everything they could ever want. But over time this triggers them to reflect on themselves. Their view of you being this perfect, amazing person triggers them to reflect on all of their faults, mistakes, flaws or imperfections. At this point it doesn't matter even if you were a perfect human being with no faults, mistakes, flaws or imperfections. It wouldn't make a difference. Because they will search and search, completely over analysing anything and everything. They will distort and redefine everything about you until they do find something. They will then project their negative characteristics, qualities or emotions on to you. This is their way of unloading the intense negative emotions they had to experience from reflecting on their faults, mistakes, flaws or imperfections. So now in their minds you have gone from being this perfect, amazing person to being a completely flawed and worthless individual. In their minds, a person is either all good or all bad. It's black or white thinking. As long as you can serve them with what they need and you don't cause any problems, you are perfect. But once this triggers them to reflect on themselves, or if they notice a perceived or imagined fault, mistake, flaw or imperfection... Now you are useless, worthless to the narcissist. Any relationship with a narcissist will always have an expiration date. Unless you are willing to take the endless amounts of abuse and manipulation, devaluation and disrespect. And still serve them with the attention, validation, approval and admiration they need. Still allow them to dominate, control and have power over you. But even then, at some point you are going to be worn down. You are going to reach a point where you are no longer physically, mentally or emotionally capable of fulfilling their needs. That's when it becomes most tragic. As you may think the narcissist may be there for you when you are completely drained and lifeless and barely know who you are any more. After you have spent years of your life serving them, doing whatever they want, fulfilling their every need. You may think that after you gave every last drop of your energy to them, that they would still stick around and be there for you at a lowest point in your life. But no. That is a typical time when they will leave. Remember, they are self absorbed and lack empathy. They do not love you, they do not care about you... they never did. They only created the illusion that this was true, because it allowed them to get their needs met. So you can cry, scream and plead as much as you want. You can show them all of the old pictures you had together, all of the gifts they bought you. All of the old text messages where they told you they love you and want to marry you and have children. It's not going to make a difference. They are going to move on and find someone else as though none of that ever happened. As though you never meant anything to them. And there really is nothing you can say or do that will change this. You may notice in some cases that they become extremely competitive. Everything they say or do is designed to prove something to you. It may even seem as though they deeply hate you. The reason for this goes back to the beginning of the relationship when they saw you as this perfect, amazing person. This triggered them to reflect on themselves and all of their faults, mistakes, flaws and imperfections. All of your good qualities, looks, success... This triggered them to reflect on themselves and caused a narcissistic injury. From this point on it's all about getting competing with you and getting revenge on you for everything that in their minds, you revealed was not good enough. You may have never said that anything about them was not good enough. But they have this inner dialogue or inner critic which constantly tells them that they are not good enough and that's how you see them. Nothing you say or do can override the programming of this inner dialogue or inner critic. It has been programmed in them since they were a child by their narcissistic parent. I have talked more about this in my last video Trying To Explain To The Narcissist, so please check that out. The narcissist may have discarded you, but don't think that it's over and you will never hear from them again. They often hoover their victims several weeks or months after the discard phase. In some cases, they can hoover years or even decades later. Don't expect them to come back with an apology. Remember they are self-absorbed and lack empathy. They only care about themselves and their own needs. And they will only come back if they have reidealised you as a source of supply and believe that you can now meet their needs again. Sometimes they will not hoover you. The reason for this is because they realise that you do not believe in their false reality or false selves. For them to hoover you, they first need to be sure that you will believe everything they say and do. You will put up with their abuse and manipulation. If not, they are not going to waste their time. They will find someone else who will believe in their false reality and false selves. You wonder how they can move on and never think about you... but they are. They are watching your every move. They always have to check in, spy on you and see what is going on in your life. Narcissists are predatory. You can block them on everything but still be cautious. They will stalk you through other people, sometimes even through work, family and friends. They abuse technology by use of phone tapping, spyware and tiny cameras. There really is no length these personalities won't go to. If they could place a chip in your brain and track your every thought and action, believe me they would. They have this sick, twisted urge and desire to witness the aftermath of what they have done to you. They want to see the effects of their abuse and manipulation, devaluation and disrespect. They want to see you struggling to get your life back together, struggling to move on and be happy. Remember, how they perceive you is a reflection of how they see themselves. So if they can see that they have broken you down, it makes them feel as though they are doing well. It's their black or white thinking. These narcissists are really miserable people, so the only way that they can sustain their illusion of happiness is to constantly tear you down and make you feel worse. The trick to all of this is in your perception. You could see this as though it has completely ruined your life and you will never be the same again. And if you think enough, it will become true and that will be reflected back to you in the world. Or you could see it as an awakening, an opportunity to improve yourself and change your life. Whatever you believe will soon become your reality. So while you may have been a victim of narcissistic abuse, you don't have to be that any more. It all starts with your belief and your perception of yourself. Do you want to be a victim? Or do you want to be a survivor, a thriver? The choice is yours. Thank you for watching. I hope this video has resonated with you. Please like the video. Share your thoughts in the comments. 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