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Do Not Waste Your Time Explaining To The Narcissist. You may be wondering why the narcissists appear to be so stubborn and set in their ways. You may wish that the narcissist could see things the way that you do. You may desire to have a resolution or a mutual understanding with the narcissist. Please do not feel guilty or ashamed for desiring to have this. It is actually very healthy behaviour to want to see things a common way. It is healthy behaviour to seek a resolution or a mutual understanding. But the narcissist is not going to see it the same way. The nature of their disorder does not allow them to see things from a common perspective. The way that the narcissist speaks to you or treats you is a reflection of how they feel about themselves, how they treat themselves in their minds. If the narcissist is display hatred to you, it is because they hate themselves. If the narcissist appears to be angry towards you, it is because they are angry at themselves. If they are trying to make you envious or jealous, this is because they are envious or jealous of you. They are projecting how they feel about themselves on to you. Because of this, it is very difficult, almost impossible for them to see things from a common perspective. It is almost impossible for them to want a resolution or mutual understanding with you. For this to be possible, they would to feel empathy for you. Their self-hatred, anger, envy and jealousy overrides any empathy they would otherwise feel. So for them to have this mutual understanding with you, they would have to reflect on those intense negative emotions. The problem is, narcissists do not like to self-reflect or look within themselves. Their default response is to project those negative emotions on to you. The narcissist cannot simply reflect and let go of their negative emotions. They have never learned how to self reflect. From a young age their default response was to project those negative emotions on to someone else, to make themselves feel better. They never acknowledged their negative emotions. They never took responsibility or accountability for their faults or mistakes. This had made it almost impossible for them to look within and deal with those negative emotions. It has made it almost impossible for them to learn from their faults or mistakes and then mature and grow. So this is how they remain in this emotionally immature state. They are always playing childish games. They are always using manipulative tactics such as projection, denial, blame-shifting and gaslighting. They project all of their negative emotions on to you. They deny any responsibility or accountability for anything that they do. They shift the blame on to you. If you try to get them to be truthful and honest with you, they will spin you around in circles. Anything to avoid the truth of the situation. Because the truth is very painful for them to accept. Narcissists are guided by their emotions, rather than reason or intelligence. Everything is viewed through their negative and out of control feelings. Which is why their experiences are often so negative and out of control. It doesn't matter that their distorted perceptions are not logical at all. You may be aware that having intense emotions could alter your perceptions. But in their minds anything that they experience while experiencing these negative emotions must be altered to fit those emotions. So if they are feeling hatred or anger towards you, everything you do or say must be viewed in this way. Their perception of the truth changes depending on their emotions. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. You could try telling the narcissist that their perception is incorrect or that they are viewing you in the wrong. You could try reasoning or being logical with the narcissist. But the narcissist is not going to see it the same way, because their perceptions are based off their intense negative emotions. You may have thought that you did something wrong to them. But really they have just they reacted to their own intense negative emotions and then blamed that on you. Your motive may be trying to explain something to them or reach a mutual understanding. But the narcissist is not hearing what you are saying. All they are hearing in their minds is their own inner voice, which may be saying that they are worthless and insignificant. This may not have anything to do with your motive. You may be trying to make them smile, trying to make them happy. But the narcissist cannot hear what you are saying, because they have been listening to that internal dialogue their entire lives. They don't really care about what your motive is. What matters is what they are hearing in their own minds. So you could try to explain to them that you do not hate them and your motives are not negative. But it's not going to affect how they see you. They are not going to believe what you are saying to them. Because of the internal dialogue, the inner critic in their minds. Notice how when you are talking to the narcissist. It appears as though they are listening and responding to someone else. Someone who is saying something completely different to what you are saying. The reason why it appears this way is because that's exactly what is happening. They expect to be treated badly by you because of their internal dialogue, their inner critic. Because of this they will look for evidence that you are treating them badly, in what you are saying or what you are doing. And they do find this evidence. Even though you may be trying whatever you can to make them happy. They will still manage to find evidence that you are treating them badly. If they cannot find any evidence of this, they will push and provoke you until they do. They will project their intense negative emotions on to you until you do react to them in a negative way. Until you do feel hatred or anger towards them. That's exactly what they are trying to get you to do. They want you to hate them, they want you to be angry at them. Because of their internal dialogue, their inner critic. They have been told their entire lives that they are unloveable. That they are worthless and insignificant. That's how their narcissistic parent always made them feel. Their narcissistic parent made it very clear to them that they are unloveable. That they are not good at anything and cannot make anything work with them. This is the narrative that has been playing in their minds since they children. And they feel more comfortable experiencing this with you, because it is familiar to them. So they will look for reasons or evidence that you are treating them badly or in a negative way. Their internal dialogue or inner critic constantly makes them feel intense self-hatred and anger. They have to find a way to get this off their chest. So they will look for reasons or evidence that you hate them and you have a negative motive. Then they can project and unload their self-hatred and anger on to you. You can try explaining to the narcissist. You can try to reason with them in a logical way. But it will not result in a positive outcome. Because no matter what you say or how you say it, to the narcissist, everything you are saying is hurtful and wrong. The narcissist cannot accept being treated respectfully by you. It makes them feel uncomfortable. They expect to be treated badly or in a negative way. It's as though they are almost waiting for you to act in this way towards them. This is why they will appear to push and provoke you for no reason. They do not feel comfortable with you liking or respecting them. It goes against their internal dialogue, their inner critic. It goes against what they were told by their narcissistic parent, which is now what they believe about themselves. So they will push and provoke you, to fulfil their expectation of you treating them badly or in a negative way. It eases the tension within them. It makes them feel more comfortable. You may be trying to get them to understand that you just want to make them happy. You want to reach a mutual understanding. But they are not listening. They do not want to believe you. They want to believe that you a bad person, you are trying to hurt them. It allows them to play the victim role. They are comfortable playing this role as they were victimised as children by their narcissistic parent. Maybe this is why they always have to deny any responsibility or accountability for their actions. In their minds, they are the victims. It's as though they are still that emotionally immature child being abused by their narcissistic parent. The parent's internal dialogue is still running in their minds and that's what they are responding to. Regardless of what you are saying to them. If the narcissist allows you to explain to them. And accepts what you are saying, accepts that you are not a bad person. That means there is only one other person to blame and that's them. This is why they are not going to listen to anything you are saying to them. Because deep down they know that they are wrong. They know that their irrational thoughts are based off their negative and out of control emotions. But their coping mechanism is to deny the existence of that reality. They have to create their own reality, which is based on black or white thinking. In their minds, a person is either all good or all bad. And since how they see you reflects on how they see themselves. You have to be seen as all bad, so they can see themselves as being all good. Their narcissism is a defence mechanism against their internal dialogue or inner critic. This voice in their heads is telling them that they are useless, ugly, worthless and insignificant. As a defence mechanism they had to create a false self which is the exact opposite of that. Remember they see everything in black or white, good or bad and this reflects on how they see themselves. So for them to be the exact opposite of everything their interal dialogue or inner critic is telling them they are, they have to project all of that on to you. And that's how you can go from being the perfect, most amazing person at the beginning of the relationship... To being the useless, ugly, worthless and insignificant person in their minds, which is really just a projection of their own internal dialogue or inner critic of themselves. They like that you keep trying to explain to them. It's giving them narcissistic supply. You are giving them attention, you are making them feel as though they are worth something and significant. They enjoy the arguments. It gives them an opportunity to abuse and manipulate you. They can then distort your reality and suck your energy out of you. It is feeding their ego. They do not want to believe you and even if they did want to believe you... Their internal dialogue or inner critic which abuses them all day everyday is not going to let them. Their disorder is fixed in such a perfect way, where the exact things that they need to hear from you, the exact things that they need to understand... which would override their internal dialogue or inner critic... are the exact things that the disorder has been programmed to deny and block out the most. So you could try talking to them. You could try getting them to understand your view. You tell them you love them and want to make them happy. The narcissist isn't hearing it. Because the programming of the disorder in their minds does not allow them to hear or understand what you are saying. All they can hear is their internal dialogue, their inner critic. And it's telling them that they are not loved, they are not appreciated. They are worthless and insignificant. That's what is going on in their minds all day everyday and this overrides anything you say to them, anything positive you try to get them to understand. The exact things that they need to change their lives have been programmed to deny and block the most. Your love for them. Your appreciation of them. Your kindness and understanding. You can tell them you love them as much as you want. It's not going to make any difference. Because the programming in their minds is designed to deny and block that out. All they are hearing is what their internal dialogue or inner critic is telling them. Because they cannot hear or understand the exact things that they need to change. The exact things they so desperately need. They are prone to self destruct over and over again. This is why they are always so miserable. This is why they are always so hateful and angry towards you. For us, the problem is so easy to see. As a logical and rational person, we desire to communicate with them and resolve the situation. But no matter what you say or how you say it, or how many times you say it. It's not going to make a difference. Because of their internal dialogue or inner critic, they cannot hear what you are saying to them. They cannot understand, it's almost impossible. If the narcissist chooses to act on their dysfunctional thoughts while around you... Just use the observe don't absorb technique or tell them "you are entitled to your opinion". As Dr. Ross Rosenberg says... don't wrestle with a pig, you will get dirty and besides the pig likes it. They will not listen, they will not understand. They can never give you a resolution. Forget about them, leave them in the past. Do not waste your time trying to explain anything to them. Explain to someone of like kind. Some who will understand and then give you closure. Thank you for watching. I hope this video has resonated with you. Please like, comment and share. Click the subscribe button underneath the video if you haven't subscribed yet. I'll talk to you soon.