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The Narcissistic Parent

A normal, emotionally healthy friend or family member would wish the best for you and even want you to achieve everything that they never did. A narcissist however will do everything they can to stop you achieving anything that they never did. They will outline your flaws and mistakes, focus on them as much as possible. They will use manipulative tactics to try to get you to focus on your flaws and mistakes. They want to divert your attention away from thinking about your progression in life, in your relationships and career. When you are dealing with a narcissist, even the smallest of your achievements are killing them inside. They hate it because they're so envious inside. They will do whatever they possibly can to sabotage any potential you have. They will even divert their attention from their own progression or potential success just to try to destroy any chance of yours. This is exactly what narcissistic parents will do. When the scapegoat is a teenager and trying to grow as a person, they will do everything they can to prevent this.

Of course they know how damaging this is to the child and how badly this will scar them as they age. They don't care. The power of envy is so great that they will do whatever it takes, if they believe that their child is going to achieve something that they never had. In life, we all wish we had something more when we were kids or young adults. This is perfectly natural. A normal parent will want this for their child, they will want them to have everything that they never had. The narc parent will not only dislike the child achieving something that they never had when they were a child. They will do WHATEVER IT TAKES, no matter how mentally or emotionally damaging this may be. Even if the child could potentially become so emotionally scarred that it risks their whole life and everyone else around them. None of this is ever taken into consideration with the narc parent. Any child with a narc parent is in a severe amount of danger. They cannot stand you having something or someone that they never had. They will literally destroy the child, if not physically, then in their brain so it is harder to prove. The narc parent will crush the child's minds so hard that they grow up not even knowing who they are anymore and will live the rest of their lives trying to find their true identity. Their true identity however, is taken by the narcissistic parent. The narc parent becomes the young adult that they never got the chance to be. While they place the scapegoat child in the role of an elderly person. The narc parent never got to live their lives fully when they were around your age, so now is their chance. But you cannot both be young adults, which is why the roles have to be switched. You have to take their place so that they can relive their youth. The narcissist never got to achieve what they originally wanted. So every time they see someone accomplishing something great, it hurts them and gives them a feeling of loss. It reminds them how they never got to achieve what they really wanted. It's strange. If I saw someone achieving great things, I would never have a feeling of loss. I would feel happy for them and wish them all the success for the future. But then, I am not a narcissist. The narc parent also hates that you are not like them. They want you to be enslaved by the pain of someone else's success, because this is what they feel. They want you to feel all the hate and jealousy that they have to deal with on a daily basis. They want you to feel like you are just like them, or worse. I bet if you introduced them to the educated world of their condition, they could never accept what they are. They would probably flip it and call you the narcissist. Even if you are the most empathic person in the world. In their minds they only see what they want to see. The manipulation and abuse will be pushed to the side and they just tell themselves that they are the better person.

This is why there is no specific therapy for the narcissist's condition, they are in so much denial that if they ever had counseling they would not only disagree with everything you say, they would probably disagree with the counselor too. The narc parent is very controlling and will not want their child to complete anything on her own. Narcissistic parents secretly do not want their children to have independence. Their children have to rely on them for them to be good sources of supply. The narcissist will steal your life, energy and finances. They are all about obtaining as much as possible thinking it's going to make them happier. But they are lacking effective empathy, this is the reason why they will NEVER share any part of their success with you. Their extreme arrogance and self-absorption starts in their brain structure. They cannot comprehend how giving and sharing with others can provide you with far more happiness than taking and stacking mindless material things for yourself. But they can never see it this way. This is what makes them who they are. Narcissists are selfish but at the same time very envious. They don't understand how you can have less and yet be happier than them. They don't understand the concept of giving or sharing. The narc parent teaches their kids to hate themselves, their siblings and the other parent. They also see nothing wrong with this. They have no conscience, empathy or consideration. The crazy thing is... all of the behaviors and values they teach their kids are then the exact thing that they hate about them when they grow up. It's like having a child and telling them "pizza" everyday for 20 years and then wondering why they're wanting or having pizza? The logic of the narcs is confusing, illogical and makes no sense. They tell their kids something all their lives and then expect them to grow up in a different way than how they have taught them. The narc parent does not promote healthy boundaries or privacy for their children. Boundaries includes physical as well as emotional boundaries. The child will have no personal space. Poor boundaries are the main reason why the child will grow up to develop a personality disorder such as narcissism or codependency. Codependents grow up accepting any behaviors from other people which results in them being emotionally abused and manipulated. Narcissists grow up not recognizing anyone's boundaries but their own and will cross your boundaries without having any empathy for you. A lack of boundaries in childhood can allow others to determine your thoughts, feelings and needs for you. Which means that the child's thoughts, feelings and needs are not their own. They are nothing more than a reflection of the narc parents'. Boundaries are key to ensuring that the family is mutually respectful, supportive and caring. Boundaries are essential to developing the child's self-worth, self-esteem and self-respect. It is easy to blame the children once they have grown up and forget all of the past behaviors of the parent that have influenced them.

But you cannot meet an effective resolution unless you look back and see what it is that caused them to develop such behaviors or traits of narcissism. Narcissism is learned from your environment. Beliefs, values and principles that have been drilled into you since you were a child. It is only natural that you are going to repeat similar behaviors to what you have seen as a child. Your job as the parent who is not a narcissist, is to prevent these behaviors from developing. Remind them that the way the narc parent acts is not normal, the things they have done are not normal, the things they have seen and heard are not acceptable in a civilized society. If this awareness and understanding is not created in the child, how are they supposed to know? You cannot fail in your duty of educating your child and then blame them for their mistakes that are due to your, or the narcissist's behaviors, words or actions. That's called denial, projection and blame-shifting.

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Dec 23, 2021

Well written. My mother is a covert narcissist and I am 38. I am only now learning and understanding what really happened to me and my sister (45). I am now at a place understanding and grieving the loss of what I might not have understood to have been deprived/robbed of. It's a hard pill to swallow but it is the reality and I do not want to turn into a narcissist myself and will manage and address these feelings and situations to navigate through it and grow beyond it. Mother just got a Bed in Long term care after being in the hospital since July and DYING from her own self neglect and poor life choices that developed and…

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