The Narcissist Is NOT Who You Think They Are

Your reality and perceptions of the narcissist may seem to conflict, causing great disturbance, confusion, and uncertainty. This may lead you to question what is actually real. You might wonder why the narcissist’s behaviour does not match the image they portray, or why their words differ from their actions. You may notice that they act very differently with you compared to how they behave in public, leaving you puzzled by the stark contrast between what you see and what others perceive.

This phenomenon is known as **cognitive dissonance**. It refers to the mental discomfort caused by holding conflicting attitudes or beliefs. This confusion can be overwhelming, which is why breaking free from cognitive dissonance requires careful examination of the person and the situation. You need to dissect your conflicting thoughts to determine what is real and true.

Narcissists often display contradictory behaviours, leaving you unsure of what to believe. You may find yourself torn between their words and their actions. Additionally, they may imply or suggest things without explicitly stating them. For instance, they might imply that they love you, but their actions—such as cheating or abusive behaviour—contradict this claim. In response, your mind may create alternative explanations to justify their mistreatment, such as believing they are emotionally immature, struggling with communication, or going through a difficult time. You might convince yourself that if you are patient and understanding, things will improve.

This mental narrative, constructed to reconcile conflicting thoughts, can become your reality. You repeat it to yourself until you believe it is the only possibility, even though it is merely a fabrication.

A narcissist may appear loving and affectionate one moment, only to become manipulative and abusive the next. This stark contrast makes it difficult to discern what is real. You may begin to doubt your own experiences, as their words and actions are often inconsistent. Furthermore, the way they behave with others may differ from how they treat you, causing you to question your own perception, memory, and even sanity.

They are like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, switching between idealisation and devaluation. This cycle leaves you wondering what is true. During the idealisation phase, they shower you with attention and admiration, building you up. But then, they abruptly knock you off the pedestal, leaving you distressed and confused. This pattern is a hallmark of narcissistic relationships.

The constant back-and-forth between love bombing and devaluation is designed to keep you in a state of discomfort, making it harder for you to leave. While it may seem counterintuitive, many victims stay because they have already been idealised. The initial affection felt so good that, even when the narcissist begins to devalue you, it feels too late to walk away. You are emotionally invested in the relationship and fear missing out on what you believe could still be developed with the narcissist.

When faced with the narcissist’s devaluation, you may feel it is easier to stay and try to fix the relationship than to leave. You might blame yourself for their behaviour, thinking that if you change, the relationship will return to how it once was. This is exactly what the narcissist wants. They manipulate you into chasing their attention, love, and affection, which provides them with narcissistic supply—a sense of importance and control.

Narcissists thrive on your reactions. They may even provoke you intentionally, knowing that your response feeds their need for attention. For example, they might act out or behave cruelly, only to interpret your attempts to hold them accountable as proof that you care about and love them. While this may not make sense to you, it makes perfect sense to them.

The narcissist’s behaviour often creates a conflict between what you see and what you believe. Even after the relationship ends, you may look back and minimise the abuse, focusing instead on their good behaviours. Narcissists are aware of this cognitive dissonance and use it to their advantage, keeping you under their control. By alternating between love bombing and devaluation, they keep you in a state of confusion, causing you to doubt your own perceptions and feel stuck.

Breaking free from this cycle requires recognising the facts of the relationship. Instead of trying to reconcile conflicting beliefs, focus on the evidence of their behaviour. Look at what they are saying, implying, or suggesting, and contrast it with their actions. For example, they may claim to love you, but if they repeatedly cheat or abuse you, their actions prove otherwise.

This may be difficult to accept, but acknowledging the facts is the only way to escape the cycle of fear, obligation, and guilt. Many people remain trapped in this state for years, or even their entire lives. Only the truth will set you free.

By focusing on the facts and recognising the narcissist’s true nature, you can begin to heal and reclaim your life. Remember, the state of things as they truly are is far more liberating than any idealised version you may have constructed in your mind.

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