ONE THING You CANNOT Do Around A Narcissist

There are many things a narcissist won't want you to do when you are around them, but it really comes down to one thing: they do not want you to be yourself around them. Over time, you will find that you can't even be yourself because even if you manage to engage in activities you would normally enjoy, you won't find as much fulfillment in those things as you normally would. When you're around a narcissist, you are constantly being affected by or subjected to something, rather than being true to your core identity and living life how you want to live.

In essence, you will never be your authentic self when you are around a narcissist because a relationship with a narcissist is always a one-way street. There is no space for you to express your own opinions or ideas. What you want and who you are is unimportant. They create predicaments and problems for you, leaving you with no good alternatives or solutions, forcing you to be who they want you to be. This is typically whatever will make them feel good about themselves while simultaneously blaming and shaming you for something you were not even willingly participating in. This is a double bind, a difficult situation in which whatever action you take, you cannot escape unpleasant results because you're given conflicting cues such that to obey one cue is to disobey the other. So rather than a win-win, it's a lose-lose because even if the narcissist presented you with two options, both options would be detrimental and disadvantageous to you. It's a situation in which a favourable outcome is impossible; you are bound to lose whatever you do.

The relationship is not able to be saved after being damaged and destroyed. You can't be yourself, you can't express yourself, so whatever you do, it's not going to provide the right conditions for your emotional health. This is why you end up just having to hide yourself because narcissists don't have any room for you in the relationship. They are consumed by their way of thinking about and understanding things. They expect everything to revolve around them. They see it as though it's their show, their story, and you're not even a supporting role; you're just part of the audience. They are not only the star of the show but also the audience of their own show as well. So there's no room for you to have your own story or your own identity. They don't think that you should be taking any time to create anything for yourself because, in their minds, you only exist to support their narrative. They believe that their story is the only one that matters.

Narcissists cannot deal with criticism. They cannot deal with you finding faults with them, even if you are making fair and careful judgments. You just prefer a different type of music, the style of clothes you wear, or the type of car you drive. There's an endless list of things that threaten the narcissist because any difference tells them that they must be wrong if they don't like the same things that you like. Because you're able to find fulfillment in something that they can't, they feel like you're making fun of them. They feel like your opinion is better than theirs. Any preferences or differences will bruise and threaten their fragile ego, which makes it very difficult for you to express who you are. The longer you live with them, you decide it's better and safer if you just let them do what they want and let them decide everything for you. Otherwise, there's always going to be another fight. They're always going to find another reason to battle with you because they're easily offended and upset. So you're always walking on eggshells around them. You're very careful about your words and actions because you never know what might set them off. You can't even have a different opinion. You can't have your own beliefs or perspectives because they see their feelings as facts. They believe they're the only person who matters, so they don't care about your opinions. All that says to them is that you think you're just as important as they are, which then translates to them that they're not important at all. Because they have a fragile ego and a black-and-white mentality, it's either you or them. Either you're more important, or they are. And if you're more important, then they have to take you down a notch. They have to deflate or humble you so that they can feel more comfortable because they can't accept that you're just as important as they are. They're far too insecure to accept that type of reality. They have to be the only one who matters, and they cannot be questioned. This means that they are not willing to listen to you unless you are willing to agree with everything they say, which they will keep in their back pocket for a later date so that they can weaponize it against you until you just completely disappear to maintain the peace and prevent conflict.

But even then, they will still take up all of your time. You will be endlessly listening to them and serving them, doing things that they want you to do. You won't have any time left for yourself to explore things that matter to you because they will expect every minute of your day to be devoted to them to try to make them happy, which is impossible because narcissistic people can't be satisfied. Even if they do get the exact outcome or result that they want, they can make it look that way if they're posing for a photo for social media, but in reality, they're still miserable. At times, you may feel like you're the only one who has to deal with that side of them because, for everyone else, they're able to put on a mask and pretend like everything is fine while they're constantly complaining to you behind closed doors about insignificant and irrelevant things that you don't even care about.

They see you as their possession, as something that belongs to them, as an object that exists to serve them, as though there's some demonic spirit who has complete power over you through their words or actions, as though they owned you. This is why they're extremely jealous when you spend time doing other things, and it's why you end up losing yourself in the relationship because you don't even have any time to figure out who you are or what you like to do. Even if you did have the time, you wouldn't have any energy because you're giving all of your energy to try to please an unpleasable person. You're trying to understand why they're upset. You're trying to read their mind. You're constantly walking on eggshells, and it makes you very tired because you're extremely cautious about everything you say or do. You're already anticipating their reaction. You're preconscious of what they might say or do to try to prevent another argument because the arguments can last for hours at a time. They might wake you up first thing in the morning or keep you up until 3:00 in the morning, and it's always about something meaningless. So you haven't even got any energy left to think about who you are or what you want to do. The only way you can do it is by sneaking away when they're not looking, which is very difficult for you to do because they're always there, and they always need something.

As soon as you walk out the door, they experience abandonment anxiety. They may feel like you're about to take off because they already know it's no fun being around them. So they don't even care about your health or happiness. They're constantly in need of something, so they don't see any value in you using your own time and energy to do something for yourself. Your own basic needs become burdens or criticisms to them. They take it as an insult because you're exposing the fact that they can't even meet the basic needs of a human being, which makes them even more mad and makes them not want to meet those needs even more. This prevents you from getting to know yourself and makes you hide yourself from them because, at all times, they need you to be playing the part that they need you to act. They can't have you going off script. They need you to be this character that they've imagined in their minds to match their ideas and descriptions because otherwise, they're going to feel unstable. They're going to feel like they've lost control over their own lives if they can no longer control you. They see it as though they own you, and you exist for them to use you. This is why they will use any possible means of fear tactics to keep you under control, and it will prevent you from expressing yourself or being an individual because they have to decide who and what you are and how you're supposed to think and act.

So there is no time for you to get to know yourself or to express yourself. You're being controlled by someone who thinks you exist solely for their use. They will be jealous of any attention that is on you unless they can twist it and make it about them so that they can take credit for it. But if they can't do that, then they will minimize your accomplishments as though you didn't achieve anything great, or they will try to divert the attention to themselves. They will do anything to take the attention off of you because they have a fragile ego, so they can't stand to see you getting attention. They feel that the time and attention should be directed towards them because they want all of the attention. They have to be the center of the universe, which is why they can't see you receiving any attention, and they can't stand to see you having any accomplishments that they can't take credit for because that makes you look good, so it makes them feel bad. It feels like an insult or an attack to them, which encourages you to minimize yourself or to not share your accomplishments with anyone because they're going to make you feel bad. They don't want to see you feeling happy, excited, or proud of yourself or of something that you've achieved.

Trying to make the relationship work is just going to be a waste of your time and energy because they don't want you to be yourself. They don't want you to have your own opinions or preferences because they need you to tone yourself down. They need you to be smaller than they are, and even then, they still need to be the only person who exists. They need you to be a shell of a person who only exists to serve them and their false identity while your identity is whatever they want it to be, whatever makes them feel better about themselves. That's all that you can be because anything outside of that is a threat to them. You cannot build a relationship with someone who doesn't care about who you are, someone who sees everything that makes you who you are as a threat because they're not even going to allow you to exist in the relationship. They're not going to feel comfortable as long as you're being yourself. Out of their own insecurities, they're going to persistently chip away at your self-esteem, and by the end of it, you won't even recognize yourself.

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