Updated: Feb 3
Narcissists & Projection. Narcissists are empty and honestly very boring people once you get to know them. They just have a lot of practice at perfecting the initial interaction. And they have learned through repetition, how to disguise their true personalities which are based on unresolved traumas and negative emotions. They never look at themselves and realize that though. They will project it on to you and might even call you "boring". They use gifts, sex and drama to create the illusion that they are these fun, interesting people.
You will never have an interesting conversation with a narcissist, unless you steer it and basically talk to yourself. You will never receive any positive energy from a narcissist, although they will drain you of your positive energy. They require excessive attention, validation, approval and admiration from their victims. Unlike us, they cannot validate or approve of themselves, this is why most of them are cheaters or sluts. They are constantly chasing that approval from their victims.
If you want to keep the narcissist happy, you need to give them attention, validation, approval and admiration all of the time. The problem is... the longer you are with them, the less potent you become as a source of supply. They will need more and more from you, and if they are not getting what they want, they will start to abuse and manipulate you. This is another way for them to get supply. If you do not tolerate this, they will leave and look for someone else who will be more likely to accept their abuse and unlimited cravings for attention, validation, approval and admiration.
A new source is going to be less sensitive to their games, so they will tolerate it for some time, just like you did earlier in the relationship. But of course, the cycle repeats itself. However they are trying to make you feel, that's how they feel inside. Your happiness is a reminder of how miserable they feel. Any positive emotion you feel will trigger them to reflect on their negative emotions. They will then abuse and manipulate you in an attempt to project their intense negative emotions of hate, anger, envy and jealousy on to you.
If you are not aware of emotional projection, you will assume that those are your feelings. But they are not, those feelings did not come from within you. The narcissist was feeling hatred or anger towards you, so then they had to abuse you in an attempt to make you hate them. They were feeling angry, so they had to provoke you to feel anger. They were feeling envious or jealous of you, so they will buy something with the sole purpose of making you envious of them, or they will triangulate you in an attempt to make you feel jealous.
They make you feel as though you are not good enough or something is wrong with you, because that is exactly how they feel. But they cannot stand to look at themselves so they project it on to you. They will do or say all kinds of things, to make you believe that they think you are not good enough or something is wrong with you. If you look into the minds of these narcs you will find that they hate themselves and they are using you to express this hate. Anything negative you feel while being around a narcissist, just understand that this is simply their way of communicating their own self-hatred.
When they try to project their negativity or distorted beliefs on to you. Do not feed those thoughts. They already know that their negativity or distorted beliefs don't have any value. That's why they're trying to project it on to you. They don't want it either. They have so much negativity, so many distorted beliefs in their minds... it's overwhelming for them. So they try to dump it on to you. In the narcissist's mind... you are either perfect or nothing, priceless or worthless.
Normal people see things in color, to them everything is either black or white, good or bad, right or wrong. Everything is generalized and grouped, even if it doesn't belong there. They will adjust their perception in their minds so they can generalize or group whatever it is they are talking about. It makes them feel more comfortable to put everything in a group. It also fulfills their obsessive need for control. Pay attention to what the narcissist is saying to you or displaying to you.
At some point you may have done something which made them hateful or angry towards you. Or you did something that made them feel envious or jealous towards you. They took this personally. Narcissists do not self-reflect or look within themselves. They do not deal with their emotions and they can only hold them for a short time before they project them on to you. Because they do not self reflect on these emotions, they can hold on to them for years. You may have done something that made the narcissist feel hatred, anger, envy or jealousy towards you many years ago.
This could have been something you were not even aware of at the time. And because the narcissist does not self reflect, you could talk to them many years later and they cannot help but to constantly project these emotions on to you. Now they are saying or doing whatever they can in an attempt to make you feel hate, anger, envy or jealousy towards them. You need to identify that these emotions do not belong to you. At some point something you said or did made the narcissist feel this way towards you.
They never resolved this issue within them and since narcissists don't really self-loathe, their only option is to project these emotions on to you. So you may be wondering why you cannot have a normal conversation with the narcissist. Why they are always bringing random things up or lying to you in an attempt to make you feel those emotions towards them. This is the reason why. Because they never dealt the emotions that they once felt in the past.
When you said or did something that made them feel hate, anger, envy or jealousy. And since they do not self reflect or look within themselves. This is all they know how to do now and it never ends. It created a program in their minds and the only way they can remove this program is by self reflecting. Of course narcissists do feel deeply ashamed of their toxic behavior. But they do not want to self reflect, it's too painful for them. Although they are shame-based individuals, they will do whatever they can to dodge the shame.
They will deny any responsibility or accountability for their actions. They will shift the blame on to you and gaslight you into thinking that there is something wrong with you. They will discard you and disappear like you never existed. These are all attempts to dodge the shame they feel. You may have thought that they were doing all of this because you were not good enough or you did something wrong. But that's just what they want you to believe.
They want you to believe it so that it can be more believable for them. But the truth is, all those times they used tactics such as denial, projection, blame-shifting and gaslighting. All those times they told you that you are not good enough or something is wrong with you. None of that had anything to do with you. They were just projecting their emotions on to you. Deep down they feel as though they are not good enough, they feel that something is wrong with them. They are very insecure and have an inferiority complex.
As a coping or defense mechanism they will say or do whatever they can to get you to feel the way that they do. So if they say something negative to you, don't take it personal. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. They project that on to you because they find it too painful to self reflect. If the narcissist is trying to make you feel hatred, anger, envy or jealousy towards them. It's because you said or did something at some point which made them feel that way. This could have been the other day, or even if several months or years have passed.
It doesn't matter. Because they will hold on to way that they felt during that moment. They do not self reflect or try to resolve the issue, they do not self loathe. So their only other option is to project those emotions on to you. Do not trust what they are telling you. Do not trust what they are displaying to you. Everything they say or do has an agenda. It is designed to make you feel the way that you feel, or the way that they once felt.
The narcissist lives in this illusion where they believe that they are in control of us. But they don't realize that they are still unconsciously reacting to unresolved feelings from many years ago. And it doesn't matter how many years or decades go by. They will continue to react to those emotions they once experienced as a result of something you said or did. They will try to get you to feel the way that they feel. Not just once, but again and again. Because they do not self reflect, so it never relieves the pain that they feel within.
The narcissist never moves on. They can only create the illusion as though they have moved on. But deep down they are holding on to grudges and resentment. Unresolved traumas and painful feelings. Which means that no matter how many years or decades go by, you will still have some level of control of their thoughts, feelings, actions and behaviors... whether you like or not. Once you can identify the moment where they had learned these actions, behaviors, coping and defense mechanisms from.
It will all make a lot of sense. Some narcissists try to hide their true feelings towards you. If they are aware of narcissism and the psychology behind it, they may understand that by overtly displaying their tactics, especially projection, to you. You will then pick up on it and realize the time and place where you had said or done something and they learned
that behavior from you. The projection is really just a tactic they use in an attempt to dodge the intense shame they feel everyday.
In almost everything they do and everything they say. Making you feel as though you are not good enough, or as though there is something wrong with you. Discarding you as though you ain't shit. This is all an attempt to dodge the intense shame, which will continue to grow within them, as they never learned how to deal with it. The very thought, feeling or person that they are so desperately trying to run away from is potentially what would help them to reflect on their feelings and then resolve them.
Narcissists are constantly on the run from the intense misery and shame they so endlessly feel all day everyday. And this is why projection is one of their most used tactics. Narcissists are self-absorbed and lack empathy. They only care about they feel, they don't care about how you feel. And that is why they will project on to you. They don't feel much guilt or remorse for what they do, but the weight of shame follows them throughout their lives which is why they are constantly hateful, envious and resentful towards you.
They look at you and wonder how can you reflect on your own emotions rather than projecting them on to them. This makes them feel even more inferior and gives them another reason to tear you down. For showing them everything that they are not. Showing them everything that they should be doing, but don't, because they are too weak and lack motivation. Everything that they do feel shameful of, they will try to project on to you. When they were children they were told that they are not good enough or something is wrong with them.
This has developed into their inner dialogue or inner critic. Now there is nothing you can say or do for them without them constantly be criticized by this inner dialogue, which was developed in their childhood. They are preoccupied with their inner dialogue to listen to anything you say. It overrides any empathy they would otherwise feel for you. This was programmed into their minds from their childhood and it is designed to block or deny the very things that they would need to remove the programming.
You might be trying to have an open, honest conversation with the narcissist. But this is not going to happen, because their inner dialogue or inner critic is blocking this from taking place. All they can hear in their minds is that they are worthless and insignificant. So they are going to respond to you as though that's what you think or that's what you are saying to them. That's why they are so competitive and it always seems like they are trying to prove something to you.
As an emotionally healthy person, you should be able to identify with how the other person feels, you should be considerate of their feelings and be able to demonstrate empathy and some form of understanding. Narcissists are locked in this programming which makes it almost impossible for them to feel empathy or consideration for you.
I guess the only thing preventing them from doing this is the feeling of shame or fear of being judged. But shame is such a painful emotion, it is the lowest frequency on the emotional vibration frequency chart. Many people have chose to kill, rather than to face their shame. So the odds are 1000 to 1.