You might be a child of a narcissistic parent, or you could be co-parenting a child with a narcissist. I believe that this video will resonate with what you have experienced and it will help you to understand why you or your child is experiencing self-hate. Self-hate comes from childhood abuse, neglect, traumatic events, social conditioning, media influence, or peer pressure. You are allowing external sources to validate you and define your worth. Many of us are trying to achieve self-love and there is a reason why it says "self" at the beginning. Self-love means that you approve of yourself, you validate yourself and it does not mean that you are perfect. It means that you accept your flaws and imperfections even if no one else does.
Self-hate is one of the most damaging emotions and this is passed down from a narcissistic or toxic parent to their child. No one is born with the feeling of self-hate, this is a learned emotion which is taught to the child by the parent. As the child gets older, it creates an inner dialogue or an inner critic which only gets stronger and stronger. Self hate is programmed into the child through constant criticisms and put-downs. The narcissistic parent will criticize the way the child walks or talks. They will criticize their choice of clothing or the way they like to do their hair. They will criticize anything the child likes to do, anywhere they like to go, or anyone they like to see. Narcissistic parents can find something negative even in the most positive of things. Any act of self-love will be criticized by the narcissistic parent so that the child assumes that they are not worthy or deserving of being loved by anyone, not even themselves. When the child tries to practice any form of self-care or self-love, this will be criticized by the narcissistic parent and the child will be put down.
I remember when I was a child if I was brushing my teeth, the narcissistic parent would make a negative comment about my teeth. If I was styling my hair, the narcissistic parent would make a negative comment about my hair. If I was even looking in the mirror at myself, my appearance would be criticized. This trained me over time to feel bad whenever I did those things and to feel as though I am not worthy or deserving of practicing any form of self-care or self-love. Even to this day, if the narcissistic parent catches me looking in the mirror, styling my hair, shaving, or brushing my teeth, I feel as though I am doing something wrong, I feel ashamed like I am not supposed to be taking care of myself. I am not supposed to be accepting of my appearance. If the child tries to start a new hobby or interest, they will be criticized and put down by the narcissistic parent. They will be told that they are not good enough or they are not going to be the best at that hobby or interest, so what difference does
The narcissistic parent will also claim that it is too expensive for them to start a new hobby or interest, meanwhile, the narcissistic parent may have just splashed out on a new car for themselves. Any friends that the child has or any places that the child goes to will be criticized. Narcissistic parents are very superficial, so they may expect their child to only be around children who have some special gift or talent or who have highly successful parents. If the child does find a friend like this, the narcissistic parent will then compare them to this friend and use them as proof that their child is not good enough. Following all of this abuse, the child will no longer view themselves in the same way. They will look in the mirror and have this inner dialogue or inner critic in their minds, which was created from the constant criticisms and put-downs by the narcissistic parent. They will feel as though they are not attractive. This will affect any potential relationships the child could have had if the narcissistic parent did not target their confidence. It will also lead the child into being in friendships with other children who are abusive like the narcissistic parent. This further destroys the child's perception of themselves. The child may stop practicing self-care or self-love, which then affects their friendships and relationships even more. They may not have the motivation or self-belief to try new hobbies or interests as they have been told that they are not good enough. This leads the child into a downward spiral until they become a teenager with no friends, no relationships, and no hobbies or interests.
The narcissistic parent now has created their own evidence that the child is not good enough and then uses this to further abuse the child more and more until the point where many teenagers of narcissistic parents even end up suicidal. This is the power that the inner critic or inner dialogue can have on the child. I used to have this many years ago. At some point, I realized the effect that this was having on my life and then I decided that I didn't want to listen to that voice anymore. Naturally, I then developed friendships and relationships, which then gave me evidence that I was not the unattractive or not good enough person the narcissist claimed me to be. I created my own voice, one which is more positive and beneficial for me. I realized that listening to the narcissistic parent is not going to benefit me in any way. Why listen to people who do not have your best interest in mind? Narcissistic parents are pathologically envious and jealous of the child. They feel as though the child is taking the spotlight away from them. They are jealous of any attention, validation, approval, or admiration the child might receive from a friend, relationship partner, or anyone else. They are also envious because they want to take away our happiness or progress in anything.
It is likely that the narcissistic parent did not have the friends, relationships partners, happiness, or progress that they wish they had at that point in their lives. When the narcissistic parent sees the child making friends, having relationships, finding happiness, and making progress, this triggers the narcissistic parent to reflect on themselves and how they didn't have that when they were that age. Seeing the child having these friends and relationships, finding happiness, and making progress actually hurts the narcissistic
parent on some level. It causes them to feel insecure and then envious and jealous of the child. Narcissists are shame-based individuals. Their core identity is a shame. Shame is the lowest emotional vibrational frequency and it guides everything they do. Everything they do revolves around monitoring and controlling their feeling of shame. It is very overwhelming and painful for the narcissist to deal with their shame. They do not self reflect or look within themselves. They do not accept responsibility or accountability for anything that they do. Their only other option to deal with their shame is to project it on to someone else. The narcissistic parent prefers to project this shame on to the child, as children are vulnerable and cannot fight back. They do not have the awareness or understanding of what the narcissistic parent is doing to them.
Narcissists target victims who have some form of vulnerability or weakness or don't have much support. This minimizes the threat or risk for the narcissist. This is why narcissists prefer to target their own children to project their shame. The child also has no escape, so this is a secure source of supply for the narcissist. Narcissistic parents also teach their children to have no boundaries. No separation between themselves and the parent. I remember as a child the narcissistic parent would walk into the bathroom when I was in the bath or in the shower. Even until the age of 14, he would not let me leave the shower unless he could hand dry me with the towel. Even in my late 20s, if I was in the bathroom, in the bath or shower, or using the toilet, he would unlock the door from the outside using a coin just so he could watch me in the bathroom. Poor boundaries are extremely damaging to the child. It makes them perfect prey for predatory friends or relationship partners. In some cases, the child may grow up to not respect the boundaries of other people. Poor boundaries will also promote incestuous relationships. This is what the narcissistic parent teaches to the child. Some narcissistic parents may even sexually abuse their own child, in some cases, they may be an attraction to the child. In other cases, this may be to exploit or humiliate the child, or to create some form of trauma within them.
This is how far narcissistic parents are willing to go to project their shame on the child. They want the child to hate themselves because any form of self-care or self-love they engage in, reflects on how shameful, insecure, and inferior the narcissistic parent feels. I could go more into this, but I'd imagine that this has been quite difficult to hear. I hope this video has provided you with further knowledge and understanding of how narcissistic parents teach the child to self-hate.