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Narcissistic Abuse Q&A

I'm going to read a comment from AmbyJeans, who is asking about the dynamic of two narcissists in a relationship.

I wonder about narcissistic couples and the dynamic between them. I know a couple where the boyfriend is an overt narcissist and the girlfriend is a covert narcissist. He's definitely the dominant one in the relationship, but she does a lot of underhanded things to him. Most of the time he doesn't notice, but she definitely uses him as an excuse for messed up things she's doing. She constantly throws him under the bus. It's just a really weird dynamic of two people constantly abusing one another and only really bonding to gang up on someone else. Is this the kind of dynamic a narcissistic couple would generally have??

When there are two narcissists in a relationship, one will play the dominant role, while the other will be submissive. These roles could also change at any time. When there are two narcissists in a relationship, they will both be self-absorbed and lack empathy, both using each other for their own needs without care for the other person. They will abuse each other, at times it could become quite overwhelming for them. As you said, they will often team up to target someone else. They will either bond over the mutual transaction of having their needs met by each other or through abusing someone else. They don't really care about each other, it's a completely empty relationship where two people are using each other to get their needs met.

Nolan clay asks if there are ways to make sure a child will not be influenced or hurt by a narcissistic mother.

If the child is living with a narcissistic mother, they are going to be influenced in some way and unless you can remove the child from that situation, there isn't much you can do about that. However, you can teach the child healthy qualities, traits and behaviours that could counteract what the narcissistic mother is teaching. As children, we naturally live in the moment. Narcissistic parents abuse and manipulate young children in a way that they are pulled out of the present moment and forced into ruminating about the past or being anxious about the future. I would recommend teaching the child how to remain mindful and focus on the present moment. Ask them questions throughout the day that get them to focus on what they are doing in the present. If you are playing sports or a video game with the child, ask them "how are you feeling?", "are you hungry or thirsty?". This gets them to pay attention to their body and mind and what they are doing in the present. When the child is going to

have food, ask them how does the food smell and taste? Is it spicy or sweet? This is practising mindfulness and teaching the child to be humble and appreciate the little things in life, which is where the most satisfaction is. The child's diet is very important. They should avoid fizzy drinks and sugary foods should be limited. Fruits and vegetables every day will help the child to maintain their energy levels, as well as high-quality mineral water. You could also teach the child deep breathing exercises to manage their anxiety. I could go on and on here. I would like to recommend my playlist of videos on Healing From Narcissistic Abuse, as many of the steps can help the child to heal too.

A question from Jo - Why do some Narcissists have insight into their own behavior ( such as other YouTubers) whilst most have none and thus refuse to accept responsibility for their own actions??

Some narcissists have an insight into their own behaviour because they have developed a level of self-awareness. Some examples are Sam Vaknin or HG Tudor. Many people are fooled into believing that they have developed this self-awareness to help other people.

I believe that as narcissists, they realised that they were in a position to receive an abundance of attention, approval, validation, and admiration from people who are seeking the knowledge which they naturally possess. Their obsessive desire for this and knowing that this was something that they could obtain by reflecting on themselves, was likely worth the pain and the shame it may have caused. In most situations, narcissists will avoid or block any insight into their own behaviour, as that will not benefit them in any way. Narcissists are self-absorbed and lack empathy, so they are not going to reflect on their own behaviour, unless it benefits them in some way.

Clint York posted a comment about being accused of being a narcissist.

My narc ex goes around telling everyone that I am a narcissist and posts as many things as she can online about being abused and blah blah she won’t communicate with me directly but she makes sure that she does indirectly. How do you combat that? I haven’t been in contact with her for a couple of weeks but she constantly plays this victim role (which is the same role she played that sucked me in when we met) I don’t know how to go about not driving myself crazy over it. I know it’s not a popular subject but I am not over her and I don’t know what to do?. I know it's not nice being accused of something you are not. You have to understand that this has more to do with them than it does to do with you, they are trying to take the focus off themselves. It also makes them feel powerful and in control if they are able to convince everyone that you are a narcissist. In the narcissist's mind they are thinking "Wow these people are so stupid. Look at how easily I can fool them, make them believe what I want and they just believe what I say. I must be so powerful". The narcissist does not care that they are distorting other people's beliefs and perceptions. All they care about is controlling you and if they have to make up lies to do that, they will. She is indirectly communicating with you because she is a coward. She does not have the confidence to approach or confront you about what she is accusing you of, which suggests that she doesn't even believe her own lie. She is telling everyone around you so that they can reinforce her false beliefs and make it more believable for her. Covert narcissists are known to play the victim role and they will often use this to justify the abuse and any smear campaigns.

Avoid telling people that you are not a narcissist. The psychology behind this is that when you say that you are not something that you are being accused of, they don't hear you saying "I am not a narcissist", all they hear is the word "narcissist" and then they subconsciously apply that label to you in their minds. Instead, let your behaviour demonstrate your true character and personality. Anyone who believes this accusation without talking to you about it is likely a toxic person or flying monkey. These types of people

feel worthless and insignificant, so they will try to project how they feel on to you. But remember they are just using this accusation as an excuse to justify what they are doing to you. This really has more to do with them than it does to do with you. Try to avoid any flying monkeys. They will push and provoke you sometimes for years or even the rest of your life until you do become the very thing that they are accusing you of. Only then will they be satisfied, as until that point your positive character and personality are only reflecting on them and how worthless and insignificant they feel. Many of them might also be envious and jealous of all of the attention you are receiving, whether it's positive or negative. The part about the flying monkeys may not apply to your situation, but just incase this does happen, I thought it would be best to

provide this information.

Simone Bell posted a question about projection.

When I confronted my narcissist once, he said I was unhinged and unstable, does that mean he’s projecting his feelings on to me or does he genuinely think I’m like that?? It's possible if he has managed to emotionally destabilize you, but they do also exaggerate your flaws, imperfections, faults and mistakes. This is also a form of projection. Any flaws, imperfections, faults or mistakes you have or make triggers them to reflect on themselves and their low self-esteem and low self-worth. They cannot look at their own flaws, imperfections, faults or mistakes. It's too painful for them. Their way of dealing with this is to project or blame shift on to you.

A comment by Soma Ali - I want to be happy again I can't erase from my mind that the man I loved actually tried to kill me IAM afraid from loving anyone and trusting anybody again how can I forget all of these shits that these people have done please help??

I understand that you want to be happy again and you want to be able to trust people. This isn't something that will change overnight. Especially with what you have experienced, I have experienced a similar thing and this is something that will take some time to change. Give yourself some time each day to focus on the feelings which have come from what this man tried to do to you. At some point, you will come to a place of acceptance. You will be able to forgive and let go of any grudges or resentment you have towards him. You have to forgive this person eventually, to free yourself. As long as you have any negative emotions towards this person, you are still allowing him to control your feelings. These feelings are going to keep you at a low emotional vibrational frequency. So give yourself some time each day to focus on how you feel about what you have experienced. Meditate on your experiences for 20 mins in the morning and 20 mins before you go to sleep. In time you will be able to heal yourself from what you have experienced with this man. You will then be able to trust men again. But continue to educate yourself on cluster B disorders and heal your childhood traumas, so that you can avoid attracting people like that in the future.

Maxine Clark asks... After narcissistic abuse how do we set boundaries without feeling guilty? This is a tough one I am sure for many of us empaths. The narcissist strips us of all trust and I find that I am avoiding people at all costs, but this was not my behaviour before the Narc. How can I move on and learn to set healthy boundaries??

If you set a boundary and then begin to feel guilty, pay attention to the thoughts that are making you feel this way. Do you feel as though you are doing something wrong? Or you do not deserve to have boundaries? This is caused by the narcissist's programming. Making you believe that you are not human. They see you as an object or as an extension of themselves. You are not a separate being, so they feel entitled to you and whatever they can use you for. When you feel guilty for setting boundaries, identify the thoughts that are making you feel this way and then remind yourself why you need to set boundaries. Boundaries are essential to practising self-love and having healthy relationships. People who do not have boundaries or cross other people's boundaries will have low self-esteem and low self-worth. They feel compelled to cross boundaries to have a sense of power and control over the situation, this is really just to compensate for their low self-esteem and low self-worth. So you will need to avoid these types of people at the first sign of them crossing your boundaries, they will only bring you down to their level.

Buzzing Bee commented Was wondering if anything can cause a narcissist to hit rock bottom and want change? Also why God doesn't cause them to want to seek him or change??

Only a crisis would cause the narcissist to want to change. If they are no longer getting what they want from you if they are not getting narcissistic supply and they somehow realise that projecting and blame-shifting on to you isn't going to help them get what they want. Maybe then they would desire to change. But I believe that they would only change until they get back to where they were before and then they would continue where they left off, with what previously worked for them. My personal opinion is that there is a place for everyone in this world, even narcissists. If we were all exactly the same, it would be boring. The narcissist's purpose is to reveal our weaknesses and vulnerabilities so that we can strengthen them. Reveal our insecurities, so that we can learn to accept them. The narcissist could potentially help you to become your best self, by revealing your weaknesses, vulnerabilities and insecurities to you.

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