Narcissists put you in a position where you are always doubting yourself. Doubting your abilities, doubting your value. This leaves you in a state of uncertainty. It affects your self-worth and your self-esteem. It can lead to stress, anxiety, and depression. Drug addictions, alcoholism. This is how dangerous narcissists are to the people around them. They destroy everything that they perceive to be good. Because they are always comparing themselves to everyone else, they are always trying to compete. They are pathologically envious and feel the need to take away everything good about you. They treat you with contempt. As though you are worthless or beneath their consideration. Even though you are probably an attractive, intelligent person with great ability. This is actually what triggers them to treat you with contempt because they are envious of you. All of these put-downs or backhanded compliments are used to target your self-worth and self-esteem.
They are used to make you doubt yourself. To make you feel as though you are not good enough. It also leaves you trying to prove yourself to the narcissist, seeking validation from them. Trying to return to the illusion that you first saw from them, which was never real anyway. They were seeking validation from you. They studied you to find out what your weaknesses, insecurities, or vulnerabilities were and then used them against you so that you would question your value or significance. This leaves you dependent on them for validation. It can create a trauma bond where you may wish to receive comfort from the very person that abused you. You cannot feel satisfied with yourself or what you are doing until you have received the validation or approval from the narcissist. A healthy, loving, caring person will not exploit your weaknesses, insecurities, or vulnerabilities. They will not use them against you. A narcissist will because they are envious of you. They are trying to target your self-worth and self-esteem and leave you completely dependent on them. This gives them control of you, your thoughts, emotions, actions, and behaviors. It leaves you more likely to take them back, as you are seeking their validation and approval and wanting them to tell you who or what you are. You have given them the power to define you as a person. Do not let the narcissist define you. All you will get from them is a distorted, biased perception which is often nothing more than a projection of how they feel about themselves. You cannot trust a narcissist's opinion of you. You are trying to make their opinions credible to validate yourself and this is what is allowing them to control you. You have to let go of their opinions and recognize that their opinions are not credible. They do not hold any truth. They are just thoughts that the narcissist is projecting on to you, or it's just how they want you to see yourself so that they are able to control you. They are trying to control you and put you in a state where you are constantly questioning yourself, depending on them to validate or approve of you before you can give yourself the permission to finally be happy.
The narcissist cannot validate you. If they did try to validate you, they would feel as though it's taking away something from them. They already have low self-worth and low self-esteem. Narcissists hate themselves. They act grandiose or as though they love themselves, but that's just an act. That's not how they really feel about themselves. If it was, they would feel no desire or motive to constantly prove themselves to everyone. They are constantly seeking validation from everyone else. And now they are trying to train you to seek the same thing from them. Everything they do revolves around trying to make you feel like less of a person. Trying to take away your happiness and contentment. Because they don't get to experience that. They notice your looks or abilities and they see that you are happy and contented with what you have and they get envious. They want to take away your happiness and contentment. They want to make you think that what you have isn't as great as you think it is. Most of this is projection. It is the narcissist that is not worth anything, not you. Narcissists don't take the time to learn anything new or to work on themselves. They haven't developed anything of value or significance. So how could they ever validate you? They have somehow managed to convince you that they are something valuable or significant to you. As though they are something that could benefit you in your life. When everything you have seen from them is only a simulation of value. It's an imitation of what you really want. Once you start to believe in what they are displaying to you and accept that this simulation of value or imitation is actually something real and genuine. Now you feel as though you need to prove yourself to them. You need to seek their validation and approval. As they have just displayed all of this value or significance to you when in reality it's just a simulation, a fake. Why would you desire their validation when they never proved anything to you or had anything to offer you. They never gave anything to you to make you a better person. You did all of the work, you gave them everything that they were looking for and you expected them to reciprocate. You held the illusion together. You told yourself that they do have something to offer you, they do have something that might make you a better person. When they do not. If they did, you would have seen it by now. If the narcissist really had something great, which they believed could lock you in and give them the ability to control you even more. Believe me, you would have seen it by now.
There is nothing real about these people. Everything they do or display to you is based on you anyway. When they first met you, they mirrored you and appealed to your own ideals. Then when they realize that your qualities and abilities cannot be theirs, they begin to devalue them. And there lies the contradiction in what they are saying to you. If your qualities and abilities weren't that great, why would they mirror them? Why would they take them on as if they were their own? And if you're really as worthless or insignificant as they claim you to be, why did they always want to be around you? You do not need to prove yourself to them. You are just wasting your time because you will never get their validation. They cannot give you their validation while they are constantly feeling invalidated, every time that you are in their presence. They cannot appreciate something of value, because they would have to own something of value first to know what it's like. You are not going to be able to prove anything to them. They are not worthy or deserving of you, so they are not going to appreciate what you have to offer. They understand that you are valuable and significant, they just don't want to acknowledge it. Because acknowledging it would interact with who they are. It would interact with their qualities or abilities and make them feel like less of a person. But they do understand that you have something valuable and significant. What they say about you is very different from how they actually perceive you. Just don't waste your time trying to prove anything to them, because they're never going to acknowledge it. Prove it yourself or prove it to someone who is worthy and deserving. Someone who will be able to appreciate what you have to offer because they possess something similar to you. So they know the value of what you have and acknowledging it isn't going to take anything away from them because they're on the same level as you.
You will never feel validated by the narcissist. All they can do is treat you with contempt, as they are envious of you. But you can validate yourself and this is actually more powerful and more consistent than any external validation you might receive. I will do a video on how you can validate yourself. But for now, just accept your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Avoid judging yourself for how you think or feel. Accept your thoughts and emotions without reacting to them. Give yourself permission to be happy and to love and care about yourself