Hey survivors & thrivers
In this video I am going to be talking about what attracted you to the narcissist.
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What Attracted You To The Narcissist? When you first met the narcissist, you felt an intense attraction towards them like you had never experienced before. It didn't take long until you started to wonder if this person is your soulmate. You couldn't imagine spending your life without them. But that does not mean that this person was your soulmate or that you were supposed to be spending your life with the narcissist. Narcissists generally have no life of their own. They have no features or qualities of their own. They have no personality traits or characteristics of their own. Their patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving are all based off of some past experience, where it was learned from someone else. They have nothing unique of their own. When the narcissist met you, they were attracted to you too. It wasn't an act, they really did feel an intense attraction towards you. In that moment you were perfect, everything they could have wanted and more. They were so attracted to you and had this ideal perception of you in their minds, that they wanted to steal some of your personality traits or characteristics. They could see that you were being noticed. You were getting attention and admiration just by being you and having those personality traits or characteristics. Narcissists want attention and admiration, it's a part of their narcissistic supply. And since they have no unique personality traits or characteristics of their own and it's all just stolen from someone else before you... It's nothing for them to take on your personality traits or characteristics, as if they were their own. The person you saw at the beginning of the relationship was a mix of other people who they once had an ideal perception of. As they began to get to know you, they then took on your personality traits or characteristics. There are two personalities of the narcissist. One is the false self who picks whatever they like from other people and then uses them as their own to attract a new source. The other personality is their true self, the person who abuses and manipulates you. Their real true self does not exist any more. They chose to develop narcissistic traits and tendencies as a coping mechanism and a defence mechanism. This was originally an adaptation to a real or perceived hostile environment. But then the narcissism began to take over their real true self, their true character and personality. And now they can't even access their real true selves even if they wanted to. That's why I said in another video that the best you will ever get from them is an illusion. They spent so much of their time and energy on narcissistic behaviours, as a coping mechanism and a defence mechanism... That now they don't even know who they are anymore. I don't think they really care about not having a real character or personality. All they care about is what the outside world sees and what it can get them. But they understand that they need some form of a character or personality to appear normal in the world. And if they do not appear normal, or if they do not have an attractive character or personality, they will not be able to attract a source of supply. So they pick different things from other people, you may have noticed that they took some things from you. They will change their physical appearence, the way they look, the way they dress. Hair and makeup, if the narcissist is a woman. If you like a certain type of music, suddenly they will start listening to that. If you like any hobbies or interests, they will start taking an interest in the same things. Any likes or interests which you have, will soon become their likes and interests. They will even start walking or talking in the way that you do. Going to the same places, talking to the same people as you. It will feel as though this person is studying everything about you and then taking whatever they believe will work for them. If you don't pick up on it, you will begin to find this person very attractive. This person is imitating you so it's going to feel very familiar. But if you do pick up on them acting or behaving like you do, it will feel awkward and uncomfortable. I remember with ex narcissists, they would suddenly start talking like me or listening to the same music that I like. They would even try to copy celebrities that I was attracted to. Narcissists have low self worth and low self esteem, they are very insecure. So they don't have much confidence or belief in their own worth or abilities. They might act arrogant or grandiose, but deep down they feel worthless and insignificant. They don't believe that being who they really are will attract anyone to them or get them anywhere in life. So they stop working on the qualities, talents or traits of their real true selves and focus their time and energy on the false self, which is used to attract unsuspecting victims. It's really sad because anyone who they do attract isn't even interested in them. They are just interested in the false self that they are displaying, which is just personality traits and characteristics stolen from other people. Whether it's from a previous relationship or a celebrity that their previous relationship partner was attracted to. Their real true selves become lost and the people who know their real true selves are the very people they want nothing to do with. They want people to validate their false selves and their illusions. So if you are in a relationship with a narcissist and you've been with them long enough to know the real person behind the mask... If you keep trying to reach their real true selves, or telling them that you're not interested in their false selves, at some point they will leave you and find someone else, who will value their false selves. Of course this new person will be just as empty and fake as the narcissist. They will then steal the personality traits or characteristics of the new source, so that they can be more attractive to them. And if the new source is a narcissist, it's highly likely they will be doing the same thing. Narcissists are empty, fake people. They have no personality traits or characteristics of their own, they have to steal them from other people. And this is exactly what they will do at the beginning of the relationship. This is what attracted you to them. They mirrored your personality traits and characteristics. They appealed to your own ideals and your likes and interests. They studied you, just as they have studied other people before you. They also study people in movies or TV shows so they know exactly what to say, how to say it, when to say it. It doesn't mean that they're really about any of that. They have just watched the movie or the TV show, so they know how to act and behave. Narcissists are like actors, they are acting to fool you into believing that they are something that they're not. All of their time and energy goes into playing a part, rather than being anything for real. As I said earlier, the best you will ever get from them is an illusion. They don't put the work in to make something a reality, they don't even have the self belief or the capabilities to make their illusions a reality. At the beginning of the relationship, they act so happy and full of energy. You could easily mistake them for high vibrational people. But the difference is, they cannot sustain this way of being for long periods of time. The longer you spend around them, the more likely you are to see the real angry, bitter person behind the mask. They have had years of practice at mirroring and reflecting back what you want to see. They've had more experience at that, than actually manifesting anything in reality. So it's almost second nature for them to orchestrate an illusion. They know how to plan or coordinate the elements of a situation to produce the desired effect, or the desired reaction from you. Remember, they have had years of practice at doing this. It's like a dance for them, they have learned how to compose the sequences of steps and moves to arrange the choreography. If they actually put all of this time and energy into something positive, or making something work... They could actually be something for real. But because they don't self reflect and they haven't done any work within, they don't have the belief or confidence to want to make something work for real. They believe they are not meant to be loved. They are also not interested in people who are interested in them. Their false selves are interested in people who are interested in them, but once they have figured them out, once they know what they are really about... that will soon change. The narcissist's false self may be interested in people who are interested in them. But their true selves, the narcissist, will attack anyone who shows an interest in them, as they believe that they are not meant to be loved. For more information on this topic, please check out my video Trying To Explain To The Narcissist. The narcissist studies everything that you like, everything that interests you. They study your personality traits and characteristics. And then they reflect this back to you. Initially this is done to attract you to them. But then they start to realise that your qualities could never be theirs. Your likes and interests are your likes and interests, and not really theirs. But at the same time, they wish they could be like you. They wish they could be about what you're really about. So it becomes a competition, where they constantly trying to prove themselves to you. You might look at them and think they're a better version of you than you are. Or they're more into your likes and interests than you are. But if you take a step back and really look at what they're displaying to you, it comes off as very exaggerated, while everything about you is minimised. So that's how you know it's not real and it's just based off their own insecurities which they are then trying to project on to you. They develop these false characters which are based off of your personality traits and characteristics. Your likes and interests. And whenever you're around them, they quickly jump into character. This is designed to fool you and appeal to your own ideals. But it's also because they feel worthless and insignificant when they are around you. They don't believe that their qualities, talents and traits could ever compare to yours. So when you're around they abandon what they're really about and try to hijack your character and personality. Even when you're not around, they could still be in character and using it to attract someone else. But sometimes they will get triggered by something you've said or done and they can't help but react and then expose themselves. To conclude on this video, what attracted you to the narcissist? Their mirroring of your personality traits and characteristics. Copying your likes and interests. Appealing to your own ideals. How do you know when it's real? Pay attention to any red flags. If it's real, it won't feel as though the person is acting. It won't seem so forced or exaggerated. They will be able to sustain this character for a long period of time, if it's really them. Narcissists also set self imposed limitations or restrictions in the beginning, to avoid giving themselves away. So if you are with a narcissist, there will always be certain parts of the conversation where they will change the subject, or there will always be certain things they cannot do. It's designed to manage the risk of revealing who they really are or what they are really about. I hope this video has helped to explain what attracted you to the narcissist. Thank you for watching. Please like, comment, share and subscribe. If you would like to donate, my PayPal link is in the video description. Coaching enquiries, please email narcsurvivorcoaching@gmail.com Check out the Narc Survivor merchandise store, the link is in the video description. We have Narc Survivor t-shirts and mugs that are now available to order. Thank you for watching, please remember to share the videos and I will talk to you soon.