The narcissist will completely erase you, re-create you to their liking and then blame you for their own creation. Let me repeat that just to make it sink in. The narcissist will completely erase you, re-create you to their liking and then blame you for their own creation. There are various tactics that the narcissist will use to do this. The double bind. Denial, projection, blame shifting and gaslighting. Targeting your self worth, self esteem, self belief, self assurance and self respect. And other forms of control. First I am going to talk about how the narcissist erases you at a core level using the double bind tactic. Narcissists are attracted to codependents and codependents are attracted to narcissists. Codependents are givers, people pleasers. Narcissists are takers. Codependents as children were brought up in an environment where they were constantly chasing their narcissistic parent's approval.
As the child grows up, they find themselves chasing the approval of their narcissistic relationship partner. This is what gives the narcissist the ability to erase their codependent relationship partner at a core level.Because of what the codependent experienced as a child with their narcissistic parent, they are self love deficient, they have low self worth, self esteem, self belief, self assurance and self respect. Easy to take advantage of. Easy for the narcissist to take advantage of and then mould into whatever they would like, to serve them. To give them narcissistic supply. So how does this relate to the double bind tactic? As a child, you were likely to have experienced this with your narcissistic parent. As you grew up and became a codependent and attracted a narcissistic relationship partner, you are likely to have experienced this tactic again. What is the double bind tactic? The double bind is where no matter what you do, it will always be received with a negative response. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. A no-win situation. The narcissist might complain that you are spending too much time at the gym. They might call you selfish and say that you have no time for them. You want to make the narcissist happy, you want to please them. So you stop going to the gym to make more time for the narcissist. You would think that the narcissist would be happy now, as they told you that you were spending too much time at the gym, so you stopped doing that just to please them. But now the narcissist is criticising you for the very thing they told you not to do. Now they are telling you that you are lazy or overweight. It's a no-win situation. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. This is known as the double bind tactic. No matter what you do, it will be met with negativity. The narcissist might use this tactic in every aspect of your life. In your career, finances, hobbies and interests, social circle, relationships if the narcissist is your parent. They can also use this on your physical appearence, the way you look, the way you walk, the way you talk, the way you dress. Your character and personality. They will use the double bind to change everything about you, knowing that you are trying to please them, knowing that you are trying to make them happy. But narcissists are unpleaseable people. So no matter what you do it will be met with negativity. And when you stop doing what you want to do, the way you would normally look or dress, walk or talk. And change your character and personality just to please the narcissist. Narcissists are never satisfied or fulfilled. You can never be enough for them and this is why they are always trying to change you. They will always compare you to other people and tell you how you should exercise more, or dress like this, wear your hair like that.
Once you start doing this the narcissist will become envious and jealous of you. They will feel as though you are stealing their shine, as everything is a competition with them. So now they will criticise what they were once comparing you to, or what they were once saying they liked. Even though they were the ones that told you to exercise more or dress a certain way. They will now criticise you for putting so much focus on your physical appearence. If you go out with the narcissist to a social event, this is another opportunity for them to use the double bind tactic. You might talk to someone, you are a genuine, authentic person... which narcissists are attracted to. So you talk to someone and it's easy for you to do that. The narcissist is aware of this and they become envious and jealous. They don't have a genuine, authentic personality like you do. So when the narcissist sees you talking to someone, they will criticise something you said or tell you that they were not really interested in talking to you and you were just wasting their time. You might have told a funny joke and the narcissist will tell you that you offended them. This trains you to doubt yourself and change your personality. It makes you afraid to be you, because no matter what you do it is met with negativity. From this point on you may be quiet, you may no longer talk to people as you once did, you may no longer tell funny jokes. You would think that the narcissist would be happy with this, as you are no longer making them envious or jealous of you by talking to people. But now the narcissist will criticise you for being quiet, they will call you socially awkward. When you are doing things that you enjoy, like hobbies and interests, meeting friends or a relationship partner, if the narcissist is your parent. This will be met with negativity. The narcissist will tell you that you are not good at your hobby or interest. Or you spend too much time doing that and you don't have enough time for them. They will devalue you to your friends or relationship partner, or they will devalue them to you. They will tell you that they don't really like you, they are just using you for something.This trains your brain to associate negativity with your hobby, interest, friend, relationship partner or whatever else it is that you are passionate about. When you stop doing your hobby or interest, meeting your friend or relationship partner. Now the narcissist will criticise you for that too. They will call you boring and tell you that you don't do anything. By the end of this you will be so confused. You will have completely changed your physical appearence, character and personality to please this unpleaseable person. You will no longer find joy or happiness in the things that you were once so passionate about.
This is what the double bind tactic does to you. It completely erases you at a core level. It changes your beliefs about yourself, other people and the world around you. It alters your perceptions. Whatever you do, they will tell you to do the opposite and then they will criticise and blame you for that too. They will deny any participation in the change of your physical appearence, character and personality.
Even though they projected their insecurities, flaws and imperfections on to you. They will shift the blame on to you. They will gaslight you into thinking that there is something wrong with you and you are going crazy. The truth is the narcissist has just erased you at a core level due to their pathological envy and jealousy, insecurities and inferiority complex. And now you have become a shell of what you once were.
They will even try to erase your history by rewriting the past. They are deeply envious of anything that you have experienced before meeting them. And I don't just mean intimate relationships or sexual things. Anything that you have experienced before meeting them, the way you were as a child or as a teenager. They are deeply envious of this as it is out of their control. They cannot control what has already taken place.
They are especially envious if it's something that they haven't experienced. They cannot control something that has already happened, so they will try to rewrite the past. They will try to rewrite your perception of what happened. The narcissist has to rewrite anything that doesn't fall into their narrative, their version of you. They do not want you to be reminded of having a life before them, because that means that you could develop a life after them.
They want you to believe that this is your life. What's happening now, this is who you are. The narcissist wants to be a dictator in your life, they want to tell you who you are, they want to tell you what you're about. They do not want you to define yourself. If you have a life before them, this is out of their control. So they will try to remove the past from your life. They expect you to relate to the character and personality that they have created for you.
They want you to relate to your current circumstances and accept this as your reality. They do not want you to remember who you really are. They do not want you to remember what you really like. They do not want you to remember the fun, loving person you really are. This is why they try so hard to target your self worth, self esteem, self assurance, self belief and self respect.
They want you to see yourself in a different way. They want you to believe that you are not worthy or deserving of anything greater. For them to do this, they have to rewrite your past. They cannot let allow you to be reminded of who you really are. Because then that would make them look completely ridiculous, to make you believe that you are not good enough. You cannot please them or make them happy. You are not worthy or deserving of anything greater. If you were reminded of your past and how different things were, how greatly you were received and how easily things came to you. Everything they are saying, everything they are trying to get you to believe... you wouldn't be able to take them seriously. It would be a joke. This is why they have to rewrite or erase your past. Then they can define your character and personality. They can dictate who you are, what you are about, what you are worthy or deserving of. They don't want you to define yourself. They don't want you to define who you are, what you are about or what you are worthy or deserving of. Because then they would lose control over the situation. Everything they are saying or trying to persuade you of, it wouldn't make any sense. And then they wouldn't be able to look down on you and criticise you, as you would then realise how much of a better person you are than them. They do not want this to happen. And this is another reason why they are trying to erase you a core level. They want to enslave you, they want to take control of you. They don't want you to have your own thoughts, feelings or beliefs. They want to plant thoughts in your mind, they want to project their feelings on to you. They want you to adopt their distorted beliefs about yourself, other people and the world around you. If you start defining yourself. If you start having your own thoughts, feelings and beliefs. You are going to be a very difficult person to control. All of the narcissist's manipulative tactics are designed to change your thoughts, feelings and beliefs. The double bind, denial, projection, blame shifting and gaslighting. Until they have erased you at a core level and you are a shell of who you used to be. You can find your true authenticity. You cannot get back to the person you used to be, as we are changing all of the time. Even if you had never met the narcissist, as humans we naturally change and grow everyday. The person you were one year ago is never going to be the same as the person you are today. But you can find your true authenticity. You can become better than you used to be, you can become your best self. Start doing the things you used to do before you met the narcissist. Listen to some of the same songs you used to like back then. Do some of the same hobbies and interests. Talk to your old friends. Do the things that you are passionate about, which you were not allowed to do around the narcissist. Everyday look at old pictures of yourself. Practice guided meditations, there are some good ones for authenticity on YouTube. Meditate twice a day.
Practice mindfulness, rather than ruminating on the past or anticipating the future. Be present in the moment. Give yourself plenty of alone time to get to know yourself. Get to know what you like, get to know what interests you, what you are passionate about. Then do that.
Practice self love and focus on healing from narcissistic abuse. Please check out my playlist of videos on healing from narcissistic abuse, where I talk about what has worked for me, what has helped me to recover. It won't happen over night, but if you do this everyday, after a few months you will notice a significant difference.