Why does the narcissist harass and stalk you? Because you have what they want. You have the good qualities that they are looking for. This could be your positive vibe, genuine happiness, your ability to feel real love and a deep emotional connection. Your devotion, commitment, dedication and enthusiasm. If you are an empath, you might be hypersensitive to taste, smell, sound or touch. The narcissist is envious of all of these qualities. They want to take them from you and if they cannot do this they will try to destroy you for it. Because you have all of the good qualities that they wish they had. You have what they want. If you have money, material possessions, a good career, real friends or if you are meeting a new relationship partner. The narcissist will be envious of all of this too. And they will be harassing and stalking you, figuring out how they can sabotage everything going on in your life. They do not want you to live a fulfilling life. Because they have never felt truly fulfilled or genuinely happy in their lives.
So they will abuse and manipulate you. They will gaslight you and make you doubt your own reality. No matter what they have done to you and your life, they will never feel any empathy towards you. They cannot put themselves in your shoes because in the back of their minds they have a history of narcissistic injuries, which in their minds outweigh anything that they have done to you. A few months or years after the relationship, once they've had time to think, they will remember everything that they are now missing out on. Your company, your genuine love and care for them, your positive vibe, money, material possessions and sex. They do miss these things and they know that it's not going to be the same with someone else. But remember, they are not thinking about you, they are thinking about what you gave to them. So a few months or years after the relationship they will feel sorry, but not for you. They are feeling sorry for themselves, not sorry for what they have done. They do not have the ability to put themselves in the shoes of the victim. Their apologies are fake, always revolve around them and how they feel. Everything they believe is one-sided and biased. You will never reach a resolution with them, their harassing and stalking can go on for years. Because they do not know how to self-reflect and resolve the situation within their minds.They are as emotionally immature and toddlers. So they have no capabilities to do this. If they were capable of self-reflecting and resolving this in their minds, without having to harass and stalk you. Believe me, they would have done that by now. But they can't do it, because they are emotionally immature toddlers with no capabilities of resolving the situation within themselves. I have a theory that the narcissist will start with one person that they victimize. They might tell themselves that this victim is an exception, the only one who deserves the abuse. The narcissist believes that after this victim there will not be another. But when the victim is gone, the cravings to abuse someone is still there. Suddenly the thought of that first victim being an exception is no longer valid. The narcissist may have created an alternative personality, while they were around the victim who was meant to be an exception. Over time this alternative personality becomes a biological part of the narcissist. It affects their relationships, family, career and interactions with other people, even after the victim is no longer around.
Now the narcissist has lost their original core values and beliefs. They conditioned their victim, but they also conditioned themselves and normalized their abusive behavior. Their cravings to abuse remains even after the victim is no longer around. They have become addicted to inflicting abuse on the victim. But now their victim is gone and since this behavior was normalized, they see no harm in finding another victim. This cycle then repeats again and again. Victim after victim, until the narcissist dies. And they told themselves that you were the exception. You were the only person they were going to abuse. They see us as being above them and that is their motive for trying to bring us down. You are like a shiny toy that they cannot have and if they can't have you or your qualities, they don't want anyone else to have you either. So they will do whatever they can to destroy you, your good qualities and your life. They do this because like a small child, they are envious of the toy that they do not have. And you are this toy. The toy is you, your qualities and everything good you have in your life. Psychology states that if you see someone as your equal, there is no motive to abuse or manipulate them. They have no motive to bring you down. The problem is, they do not see themselves as equal to you. They have an inferiority complex and see you as being superior to them. This is what creates their motive for trying to tear you down and ruin your life. They cannot be like you, they cannot possess the same qualities as you. They see you as an attractive person and they know that you can attract someone better than them, or better than what they can attract. Their goal is to prevent you from attracting this person that they cannot attract by gas-lighting and abusing you. Making you feel like you are not good enough, weakening you mentally and emotionally. Because they know that no matter what they do, they will never attract someone beautiful or someone who is healthy and genuinely happy. They will to project all their negative beliefs, issues and misery on to you. But remember, you have a choice in your mind whether you want to accept their trash or not. You can observe what they are doing but do not absorb it.
Watch Dr. Ross Rosenberg's videos on the Observe Don't Absorb technique for more information on this. They will never experience real happiness, a deep emotional connection, love that comes from within without depending on the validation of other people all the time. They are terrified of themselves and what they have become. It's too shameful for them to look at. Narcissists do everything they can to dodge any feelings of shame. That's why they have this obsessive need to focus on you at all times. If they look at themselves they are basically causing a narcissistic injury all on their own, they cannot stand themselves. You like yourself, you believe in yourself and that's why they hate you. Narcissists are full of shame and that's why they are always trying to make you feel the same way. They will bring up past situations, no matter how long ago it may have been. And many times you may not even recognize what situation they are trying to present to you. But it makes sense in their minds so they expect you to see it the same way. They will even create new scenarios or rumors about you. They will re-write the past so that it suits whatever scenario they are trying to deliver to you. They will distort what you or other people have said or done. They will do whatever it takes to get you to feel shame. The same shame that they feel every day and have felt since they were children. If they didn't feel this shame, there would be no reason for them to try and make you feel the same way. Pay attention to how they are trying to make you feel. This is how they already feel and have felt most of their lives. And there isn't much advice for narcissists because although their beliefs are completely flawed, they believe they are perfect and therefore do not accept help from anyone. After the relationship it may look like the narcissists has the upper hand but over time this soon changes. The narcissist ends up with a lifetime of failed relationships, children that they don't even care about and then they are alone. But you can heal yourself and move on from them.
You can meet a person who is actually about something and then live a fulfilling life with that person. The narcissist can never have this because of the way they are. Remember how long they stayed with you and made you believe that they would always be by your side. Then they moved on like you never existed. It is inevitable that they will end up alone and never satisfied with any of the sources they come into contact with. They do everything they can to mentally destabilize you and then they call you crazy, naturally people will believe it too since you become an emotional wreck. Through no fault of your own though. When you are around good, genuine people you will always feel secure and positive. Good, healthy people will not make you feel anxious or confused. I have experienced the alienation, isolation and the controlling nature of these narcissists. They are watching your every move, your every interaction. It's like everything you do or say could be a potential threat to them. The longer they stay in your life, the more you lose until you have nothing left. Because they will train you to never talk to anyone or never progress at anything in your life. While all of this is going on, they're out living their lives. But that doesn't mean they're doing anything fun or interesting. If they say "I'm out" it's usually to make you wonder what they're doing. They want to make you wonder if they are they seeing someone else. They want to keep you guessing so that it will drive you crazy in your mind and keep you awake all night. But there are times when they will be out seeing other people, that's what narcissists do. There's no such thing as a relationship with a narcissist, loyalty is something that they will only expect you to follow. And they will expect you to stay loyal, even after they have left and the relationship is over. Even if they are seeing someone else. They are free to do what they want, when they want and with whoever they want. They will use words to create an illusion that they're having they're having the time of their lives while they're not with you. In reality nothing has changed, their lives are probably worse and they are bored to death. But they can't let you see that. They have to make you believe that their lives are better without you.
They have to make you believe that you were the problem. The truth is, they ain't about shit. They never were and that will never change. The only thing they're about, is making you believe that they're about something. They might try to be nice or kind to you. But this is just an attempt of luring you back in. It doesn't mean that they want to continue the relationship. It is an attempt to re-develop the emotional connection and attachment that you originally had with them Your emotional connection and attachment provides them with narcissistic supply. They need to feel "wanted". If they do not have this feeling of being desired or missed by you, they feel like they don't even exist. They will do whatever it takes to have that feeling of being desired by you. They have an obsession with trying to control you, to compensate for their lack of self control. Really they should be minding their own business and focusing on themselves, controlling themselves. Because that is clearly one of their main issues. They will do whatever they can to make you believe that they have control over you. They will try to predict what you are going to do and say. This is to compensate for their true feelings of having no control over you. They will stalk and study you to make themselves believe that they know you. But this is only to compensate for their feelings of really knowing nothing about you. If you managed to have a genuine conversation with them, you will find that everything they know and believe about you is completely wrong. And yet in their minds they believe that they know you so well. That's what happens when you make assumptions. All of these narcissists and flying monkeys... it's like Chinese whispers. After the discard phase we soon realize that they were never what we wanted anyway. If you take a good look at them a few months after the discard phase, you will wonder what you ever saw in them. Time reveals who they really are, you look at them and wonder how you were even physically attracted to them. You talk to them and feel bored, wondering how their fake ass negative personalities ever stimulated you in any way. Narcissists are fake, negative, miserable people who feel nothing inside. Make it as difficult as you can for them to get to you. Block them on all social media profiles, remove your social media if you do not use it often. They will always try to come back. Never give in to their hoover attempts. Remember the abuse, manipulation and gaslighting. Remember how they treated you. Remember their mindless, boring conversations. There is nothing good about them. They have no real empathy or consideration for you. They have no charisma.
What self-respecting person would ever want these people? Take at least one year to focus on healing from narcissistic abuse. When you are ready to start dating again, remember what you have learned about these personalities. When you find a good man that loves and cares for you, be aware of your own thoughts and actions. Just because we have been hurt in the past, it doesn't give us a license to destroy the lives of other people.
We are not making normal things a priority if we dedicate all of our time to ruminate on past events. But I do believe it is important to set aside an hour a day to focus on getting over the pain that you have suffered from these pasts events. Of course at some point we must move on, leaving the negativity behind to focus on a more positive future. If we are always looking in the past, we can never focus on the present. Which leaves us with nothing to look forward to in the future. It is important to have a balance between resolving past abuse and living in the present.