When You DON'T Chase After The Narcissist

Narcissists are terrified of being rejected or abandoned because they fear being alone. They cannot survive independently or take care of themselves. This fear drives their need for someone to chase after them, as it alleviates their insecurities and boosts their self-esteem. It reaffirms their perceived importance and desirability.

Their fragile ego stems from neglect or abuse during childhood, which has turned them into egomaniacs—obsessively self-centred and desperate to maintain control at all times. They orchestrate situations to ensure they are never rejected or unloved, as they cannot bear to relive the pain of their past. To achieve this, they manipulate others into chasing them, avoiding their own feelings and inner connection.

This is why narcissists employ tactics such as triangulation, ghosting, the silent treatment, or even faking a breakup. These behaviours keep their victims running on a hamster wheel, trying to please them, even though they can never truly be satisfied. Narcissists thrive on the feeling of someone begging and pleading for their return. They enjoy seeing others apologise for things they themselves caused, as it absolves them of responsibility and deflects their shame.

When you chase after a narcissist, it reinforces their belief that their actions weren’t that bad. They rationalise that if their behaviour were truly unforgivable, you wouldn’t be pursuing them. This mindset allows them to avoid accountability and continue their harmful patterns.

However, when you don’t chase after them, the dynamic shifts. Narcissists carefully orchestrate situations expecting you to reach out, especially when they leave you without closure. They anticipate your reaction and constantly check their phone, waiting for your call or message. When you don’t contact them, they are left feeling confused and unsettled. This is unfamiliar territory for them, as most of their victims fall into their trap.

Being the one person who doesn’t chase after them leaves a significant impact. Narcissists are accustomed to people falling at their feet and fulfilling their expectations. When this doesn’t happen, they become enraged, irritated, and disappointed. They are forced to confront their shame and deal with their feelings alone, which is intensely painful for them. It makes them feel flawed, inadequate, and unworthy of love.

Going no contact with a narcissist is particularly challenging for them. They may even pretend to break up with you, hoping you will reach out. When you don’t, they may lose control, calling you selfish or even accusing you of being the narcissist. They will blame and shame you, claiming they deserve better, all in an attempt to avoid accountability and shift the narrative.

The so-called "discard phase" is often an illusion. Narcissists rarely discard their victims permanently; they use it as a tactic to avoid responsibility. They always come back, expecting you to forgive them and absolve them of blame. However, if you hold firm to your boundaries and refuse to chase after them, you disrupt their cycle of control.

Narcissists thrive on the pursuit, not the relationship itself. Once you start chasing them, they lose interest and begin seeking someone new to pursue. By not chasing after them, you force them to confront their shame and accountability, which they desperately try to avoid.

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