When The Narcissist Realises They Shouldn't Have Hurt You [Must Read!]

The narcissist did many things to you. They manipulated, love-bombed, lied, future-faked, devalued, blamed, gaslighted, and discarded you. At times, they may have even come back to "hoover" you, causing further turmoil. Before all of this, you were likely in a much better place—stronger, more confident, and a greater source of supply for them.

But do they ever realise the harm they've caused? Do they think about it? Do they feel the need to apologise or take responsibility? The answer is no. Narcissists lack effective empathy. They don’t feel what you feel, but they are aware of their actions. They know what they’ve done is wrong, yet their arrogance and entitlement make them believe they can do whatever they want without consequences.

At some level, narcissists may recognise their responsibility to make amends. However, this realisation only fuels their narcissism further. It reminds them of their inadequacies and inability to perform, which makes them bitter and resentful. Instead of facing these feelings, they bury them deep inside, living in denial.

This denial is essential to their personality disorder. If they were to accept their wrongdoing, it would mean they need to change. But change is overwhelming for them, so they avoid it at all costs. Instead, they distract themselves with addictions, escapism, or by projecting their insecurities onto you. This allows them to dodge the shame and shift the blame.

Narcissists live a lie. They disconnect from their emotions and their true selves, which leaves them miserable, impulsive, and reckless. They may seem like loose cannons, ready to explode at any moment. This is because they’ve bottled up their guilt and shame, and any reminder of their wrongdoing triggers these buried emotions.

Despite their outward behaviour, narcissists feel immense guilt and shame—far more than the average person. However, they suppress these feelings, which only perpetuates their inner turmoil. As the saying goes, "What we resist persists." Their denial and suppression give these emotions power, dictating their thoughts, feelings, and actions.

You may be seeking closure or an apology to move forward, but you won’t get that from a narcissist. They can’t be vulnerable or take accountability because it would mean confronting their shame and inadequacy. Instead, they choose to live in denial, avoiding responsibility for their actions.

Even though they may not care about you, they do feel the weight of their guilt and shame. This impacts their lives, whether they acknowledge it or not. However, they will go to great lengths to hide this from you, as vulnerability is something they cannot afford to show.

When confronted, narcissists will deflect their guilt and shame onto you. They may even start smear campaigns, portraying you as the problem to protect their false image. This behaviour is immature and self-serving, as they refuse to reflect on their own actions or consider how they affect others.

Narcissists are unwilling to change or take responsibility. Instead, they walk away, discarding you and moving on to someone new who won’t hold them accountable. This cycle of denial and avoidance leaves them as hollow shells, disconnected from their true identities.

It’s important to remember that the narcissist’s behaviour is not your fault. Their smear campaigns and blame-shifting are tactics to maintain their façade. Over time, the truth becomes evident, and the tables turn. While you grow and learn from the experience, they remain stuck in their destructive patterns.

Narcissists are heavily dependent on you as their source of supply. They hold you accountable for everything, even things you haven’t done. This gives you power, as you are constantly learning and improving, while they degrade themselves to maintain their façade.

The narcissist’s inability to take accountability is not a reflection of your worth. It’s a result of their own inner struggles and denial. By understanding their behaviour, you can begin to let go of the need for closure or validation from them. Focus on your own growth and healing, knowing that their actions are a reflection of their own issues—not yours.

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