The WAITING GAMES Of The Narcissist

Have you ever been lured in with promises, only to find yourself endlessly waiting? Maybe they said they would call, make plans, or finally have that important conversation, but it never happens. Instead, you're left hanging, anxiously checking your phone and replaying every moment, wondering what you did wrong. The anticipation eats away at you while they carry on as though nothing has happened. It's confusing, frustrating and exhausting, but when this becomes a repeated pattern, the waiting itself can become part of the manipulation.

Narcissists may use waiting games to maintain control, manipulate your emotions and feed their need for validation. Making you wait can give them a sense of dominance because they decide when, or whether, something happens. Every moment you spend anxiously waiting keeps your attention focused on them and their unpredictable behaviour. It creates a psychological imbalance where you become focused on their next move while they appear to be calling the shots. The longer this continues, the more important their attention can begin to feel.

Emotionally, uncertainty can be extremely powerful because it creates anxiety and self-doubt. You may start questioning your own actions, your worth, and whether you somehow caused the situation. The narcissist benefits from keeping your attention locked on them because anticipation increases your emotional investment. The longer you wait for their approval, reassurance or response, the more desperately you may want it. This can create dependency, where you find yourself seeking reassurance from the very person who keeps withholding it.

Waiting can also be a way of avoiding accountability and emotional responsibility. When a situation requires a difficult conversation, an apology or a clear commitment, they can simply drag things out. Delaying gives them more opportunity to avoid responsibility, change the subject or shift the blame back onto you. You are left wondering what is happening, while they retain control over when the situation moves forward. And if you eventually become frustrated, they may use your reaction against you by calling you irrational or overly emotional.

In this way, the waiting can also become a test of how much you will tolerate. If you continue waiting without pushing back, they may see your patience as compliance. If you challenge the behaviour, they can portray your frustration as the problem rather than addressing what caused it. Either way, they have managed to keep the focus on your reaction instead of their behaviour. The game therefore becomes less about whatever they originally promised and more about maintaining control over the dynamic.

Ultimately, the emotional reaction they provoke can become the reward. Your frustration, longing, anger or constant anticipation keeps you emotionally engaged with them. Knowing that you're thinking about their next move can reinforce their sense of importance and power. For them, it may become less about actually following through and more about knowing they still occupy space in your thoughts. Recognising this pattern can be the first step towards refusing to participate in it.

There can also be deeper reasons behind why some narcissistic people behave this way, although their childhood does not excuse their behaviour. Some may have grown up with unpredictable or emotionally unavailable parents who withheld affection, attention or approval. They may have learned that relationships involve power, control and uncertainty rather than mutual care and consistency. As adults, they can repeat familiar patterns because controlling another person's access to them temporarily makes them feel powerful. Making someone else wait can therefore become a way of avoiding the helplessness they once experienced themselves.

But there is another side to this dynamic, because these tactics can gradually damage your sense of self. Constant uncertainty can cause you to question your judgement and become increasingly focused on gaining their approval. While you're feeling confused and disconnected from yourself, they may feel more powerful because your attention remains centred on them. The more you lose touch with your own needs and boundaries, the easier it becomes for the dynamic to control you. That is how a simple waiting game can develop into a destructive cycle of anxiety, dependency and emotional exhaustion.

The important thing to understand is that you don't have to remain trapped in that cycle. You can stop treating their promises as something you have to wait around for and start judging them by their consistent actions. You can set boundaries around unanswered messages, broken plans and endless delays without having to justify your feelings. Most importantly, you can reclaim your time and emotional independence instead of allowing someone else's unpredictability to determine your state of mind. When you stop participating in the waiting game, they lose one of the mechanisms that kept your attention focused on them.

And although these behaviours may temporarily make a narcissistic person feel powerful, they are ultimately self-destructive. Manipulating other people may provide short-term validation, but it cannot satisfy the deeper need for genuine connection or self-worth. Over time, repeated manipulation damages relationships and can leave the person increasingly isolated and disconnected from others. Avoiding accountability also prevents genuine self-awareness, emotional growth and the ability to build healthy relationships. In the end, the same patterns used to control other people can leave the narcissist trapped in their own cycle of dissatisfaction, loneliness and emotional emptiness.

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