The Narcissist DIED A Long Time Ago

The narcissist is not truly there. Their physical body may be present, but their disorder is characterized by an absence of self. All that's left is a mirage, a ghost of what once existed but no longer does. Their true self died a long time ago. What remains is a system of coping and defence mechanisms that make up their false self. There is nothing beneath or outside of that.

When you converse with them, they never really listen. It's as if they are not giving you their full attention, as though they are distracted. They may be physically present, but they are not truly there. Narcissism is marked by an absence. Even when they respond, it feels like they are not present because they operate in two modes: either in their fantasy world because they are bored or disinterested, or responding to their inner critic, which they may project onto you through criticism, frustration, or disapproval. Both modes are responses to trauma because reality does not meet their expectations. They are unhappy and dissatisfied, and while they may blame you, the truth is they can never be satisfied. They are disconnected from themselves, having abandoned their true selves long ago. Happiness and satisfaction come from within, not from the external world. No matter what you do, it will never be enough to fill their void. They cannot replenish themselves from within because there is nothing there.

Narcissists have no thoughts or feelings that are independent of their fantasy world or inner critic. There is no room for anything else, including other people's identities, personalities, thoughts, feelings, opinions, or beliefs. They have no boundaries and believe that everything belongs to them and that everyone thinks and feels the same way they do. At times, they may also respond to their inner critic, feeling insecure and defensive, and expecting or demanding you to do something to make them feel better about themselves. They cannot deal with their own self-talk of not being good enough, but this voice never really goes away. It is the reason why they are so arrogant and entitled and why they are envious of you. They believe that if they are not enough, they need to take something from you. However, no matter what or how much they obtain, they never feel complete because they have a void that can never be filled.

Because they are envious of others, they also assume that others are envious of them. They always assume that others are thinking something about them, whether it is attraction or feeling threatened. These assumptions support their narrative of being powerful, important, desirable, or attractive. They often become paranoid and hypervigilant, feeling like they have to watch out for others. They are always judging others, even though they may not actually know anything about them.

You may not have ever done or said anything directed towards a narcissist, yet they will make false assumptions about you and believe they know you better than you know yourself. They are very insecure and need to believe they have people all figured out to feel in control. This causes them to develop a skewed perception of reality, where they may completely misread your intentions and motives. They often project their own insecurities onto others because they never owned or accepted them themselves. They abandoned themselves a long time ago, which is why they are so paranoid and view everyone as a threat.

When you have a conversation with them, they won't listen. They will tune out what you are saying, seem distracted, and be unresponsive because they are too preoccupied with the voice inside their heads. This voice tells them everything they think they need to know about you, but it is actually based on past traumas and has nothing to do with you. They will project it onto you to feel a sense of direction and control, which is why you can't reach them. They can't accept your separate existence and have to view you as an extension of themselves. Everything has to be about them, which is why they don't care about what you have to say. They can ignore you, give you the silent treatment, or ghost you because it doesn't matter to them. It doesn't affect them. They don't care about your feelings or what you are doing. What's important to a narcissist is their feelings and perspective. They are not concerned about anything else because all they care about is what they want, their lack or deficiency of something, and what they desire to possess or do. Anything else is irrelevant and of no concern.

Everything is one-sided. It's all about them and never about you unless they can get something out of it. Even then, it's still not about you because it is a struggle for them to direct their attention towards you. It's something they have to suffer, something difficult and unpleasant they have to tolerate or put up with, something they have to undergo or live through. It's never a positive or uplifting experience for them. It's too demanding for them to focus on anything but themselves. Even if they are in a situation with you where they may have to do that, it will feel like they are not even there. They may be physically present, but their mind is somewhere else. They are either entertaining their fantasy world or their inner critic, but they are never being entertained by you directly. They don't even see you. You are just a physical representation of something they have created in their heads and imposed upon you, whether you know it or not. It could be something positive or negative, but either way, it has nothing to do with who you actually are. Who you are is not a concern to them because they are too preoccupied with their thoughts to pay any attention to you or even know that you are there.

Even if you try to bring something to their attention, it is very difficult for them to concentrate. It's too dense, like a weight they have to bear. At times, they may seem unintelligent, ignorant, foolish, or slow because they are always thinking of how they will respond or overanalysing your reactions while this inner dialogue is going on inside their heads. This makes it difficult for them to concentrate because they can never put your thoughts, feelings, wants, needs, or desires before their own. They are too preoccupied with thinking of their own advantage. They just want you to hurry up with whatever you are saying or doing so they can get to what they want to say or do because their words, actions, and desires are more important. They are self-interested and motivated by their own personal interest or advantage without regard for you. They can't see others as their equal. In their mind, they are superior to you, which is why everyone has to revolve around them. They always need to be the centre of attention, and if they are not, they will do whatever it takes to get people to pay attention to them. They will perform a narrative as if it were a play, behave badly, yell, shout, and scream because if they are not the centre of attention, they feel like they don't even exist. Their false self can't exist without constant acknowledgment and validation, which is their narcissistic supply.

Even when they are out in public, they are always scanning the environment and calculating in their heads where they need to walk, stand, or sit to elicit as much attention as possible. That is always their goal. They may gather around a respected or powerful person to use that person to their maximum advantage and control or coerce them in the way they want to go. All they ever think about is how they can be the centre of attention. They have no true self; it died a long time ago. Their false self cannot exist without constant acknowledgment and validation. They are completely self-absorbed and lack empathy for others. They don't have the mental bandwidth to consider you as a separate person with your own feelings and needs. If it is not all about them, they have no interest. They won't engage in a conversation about you because all they care about is themselves. Your feelings and needs mean nothing to them unless they can use them to their advantage to gain influence and control over you. Even then, it's still all about them. If it's not about them, it doesn't matter.

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