Narcissists DO NOT Want You To Heal

They want to keep you stuck. They do not want you to grow or become your best self, which can be very confusing. You might think they would want you to better yourself and engage in self-improvement—improving your social standing, financial position, or education—because it would enhance all the relationships in your life. It would be better for everyone around you.

But you are not dealing with a normal person. You are involved with a covert, malignant narcissist, and they do not want you to improve anything about yourself. They do not benefit from your healing. In fact, they benefit from you not healing. They gain something when they keep you stuck in certain behaviours—behaviours you may or may not have displayed before you met them. They want you to continue seeing yourself as less than who you truly are, while seeing them as greater than you. This way, you place excessive emphasis on what they say or feel, while disregarding your own perspective.

Narcissists look for people who lack clear boundaries. Perhaps you were not allowed to have boundaries as a child. You were not allowed to have your own thoughts and feelings. You were not allowed to be you. You had to sacrifice your authenticity to make your parents happy. This pattern can continue into adulthood. Your feelings, wants, and needs do not matter. You do not matter. You constantly sacrifice yourself to make the narcissist happy, while they train you to seek their validation. This is especially easy for them if you were not validated as a child.

If you had been validated as a child, that validation would have become your internal dialogue. Without it, you may feel stuck, craving the narcissist’s validation. They want you to prop them up on a pedestal, where you are constantly reacting rather than responding. They do not want you to change because they are toxic, and you are in an unhealthy relationship.

In contrast, people who are not toxic will be happy for you if you work on overcoming your limitations. They will want to see you become the best version of yourself. Narcissists, however, do not see things in a healthy way. You should not view them as you would a healthy person or expect them to act like one. Doing so will only set you back and leave you disappointed. They will not support you, and they will never want you to engage in personal development.

If you heal and get better, you will develop healthy boundaries and learn how to respond rather than abandon yourself. This will give you influence and effect, leaving them stuck looking at themselves. Narcissists project what they dislike about themselves onto you. When you develop emotional strength and set boundaries, they can no longer project their negative energy onto you. Instead, it remains with them. You no longer take responsibility for their energy and emotions, which allows you to maintain your self-identity. They hate this because it forces them to confront themselves.

This is why they do not want you to get better. They want you to remain stuck in emotional struggles that never resolve and only cause you more pain and distress. When you stop engaging in these behaviours and become emotionally healthy, it destroys their false reality. In their false reality, they are wonderful, and you are the problem. The healthier you get, the more their false reality crumbles.

Malignant narcissists do not want this to happen. The healthier you get, the worse they become. They will become even more abusive, trying to reopen old wounds and bring up past experiences you would rather forget. This causes you to experience trauma responses, such as people-pleasing, seeking external validation, and sacrificing yourself for others. They provoke you to live in your trauma responses by constantly making you defend yourself, preventing you from living authentically. This allows them to maintain their false reality.

The healthier you get, the worse they become because they want to keep their reality intact. They want to keep you as the problem in their mind so they never have to look at themselves or do the work of self-improvement. To them, it is all your fault, and you are the one with all the problems. This is why they dislike your emotional development.

They use classical conditioning to keep you stuck. This grooming process pairs two stimuli repeatedly, creating a response initially elicited by the second stimulus but eventually triggered by the first stimulus alone. It becomes an automatic conditioned response. For example, every time you abandon yourself, lack boundaries, or react to their behaviour, they reward you. They use intermittent reinforcement, delivering rewards at irregular intervals. This method yields the greatest effort from the victim.

The victim does not receive a reward each time they perform the desired behaviour but at seemingly random intervals. If you stay in the behaviours they want, they reward you with a reduction in the intensity of the abuse. At times, they may push and provoke you to the point where you cannot take any more. Naturally, as a human, you will eventually react. As soon as you do, they calm down and act as though they want to work things out.

Your brain starts to associate reacting and getting angry with a reduction in the intensity of the abuse. Your brain naturally seeks pleasure and avoids pain, so you develop a short fuse and get angry faster. At an unconscious level, you are being taught that the more you react, the likelier it is that things will improve. If you stay calm and try to respond healthily, things get worse. They will provoke you until you finally react because they do not want you to get better or heal.

They punish you for positive behaviours and reward you for negative behaviours or those that disempower you. This messes up your neural pathways. Every time you try to engage in healthy behaviour, it activates the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for emotional processing, especially fear and anxiety. This makes you feel uncomfortable, so you may feel better by not moving forward or developing healthy behaviours. Instead, you remain stuck in the hypnotic trance the narcissist has put you in.

Some people remain in this state for years or even decades because of how powerful it is. Narcissists have a false self and have been manipulating people their entire lives. They know exactly what to do to cause people to enter a hypnotic state. This allows the narcissist to remain in the trance they have been in their entire lives. They use a variety of tricks to keep people asleep, such as manipulation, gaslighting, isolation, exploiting weaknesses, guilt, fear, projection, and intermittent reinforcement. These tactics help them protect their false reality and remain in this state of enchantment for the rest of their lives.

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