How The Narcissist Gets You To Obsess Over Them

You're constantly thinking about the narcissist. You're considering something they've said or done, going over the same matter in your thoughts again and again. No matter what you do, you just can't get your mind off of them. Even when you try to think of other things, it always brings your thoughts back to them. You want to know what they're doing and why it ended the way it did.

You may be wondering if it was deliberate or just an accident. You may be wondering what is actually wrong with them because you're projecting your own human qualities and feelings onto them, which are things they do not possess. It's not going to make any sense because you're expecting them to think and respond the way you would. Their way of thinking and processing is very different from a normal person. The more you try to understand it, the more confused you will become until it becomes an obsession, and you will feel like you're losing your mind.

On one hand, you already know what they did to you was wrong. But you have this cognitive dissonance—these two conflicting beliefs—where you're thinking and even worrying about them. You're entertaining the possibility that maybe there could be a better side of them. You start thinking about what could have, would have, or should have been, as though something was possible in the past or you had the ability to do something in the past but didn't do it. You start judging your own value and character based on what you did.

You revive the past in your mind. You start thinking about other times when things went wrong and then you start to wonder if something is wrong with you. The narcissist will make you feel that way because that's always the objective—to make you feel like you're the problem. This way, you will reassess yourself instead of seeing the actual problem, which is them. The person who is the problem is not going to be examining or questioning themselves. If that were to happen, then the problem would cease to exist. So how can you be the problem if you are reassessing yourself? That wouldn't make any sense.

But they find ways to make it make sense by projecting what they are onto you and getting you to confess and accept blame and responsibility for everything that they caused you as their victim to be. They prepared and trained you for this particular purpose and activity—to obey them unquestioningly, to be submissive and compliant, to be willing to do what other people want, and to consider your wishes as less important than those of other people. They already conditioned you into being this way. They assigned this identity to you, which then makes you feel like you're bad or wrong and you're responsible for everything.

In the end, it causes you to think deeply about what happened because with narcissists, there are always a lot of unanswered questions. Their stories never really add up. It never makes complete sense and they're not willing to go into detail about it or give you an explanation. Deep down, they already know that they're wrong. It's just easier for them to pass the blame onto you because they already assume that you're going to accept it since they've already programmed you into being this way.

A common mistake is treating narcissists like normal human beings and trying to rationalize their actions. You're trying to make sense of their behaviour and justify it with logical reasons. However, logic is not relevant when dealing with narcissists. You can't treat them like regular people or from a normal perspective. This approach might work with normal people, but it won't work with narcissists because they are anything but normal.

Things are going to deviate from what is normal or usual to you because they lack the key components of a human being. They lack effective empathy—the sensations and feelings that we get in response to other people's emotions. Normally, this includes mirroring what that person is feeling or feeling stressed when we detect another person's fear or anxiety. But it is not like that for them. Narcissists do not feel what we feel, which is how they can abuse you for years and feel nothing. It's like they don't even care.

If you were around an empathic person, they would immediately sense what you've gone through. They would feel your pain and be unable to bear it. You'd probably break down and cry in each other's arms. It would be like how we come together as a community—we care about each other and support each other. But it's never going to be like that with them. They can't even experience the full range of human emotions. This is why they're always angry or upset and always trying to project these negative feelings onto you. They're primarily operating from their reptilian brain—they're constantly in survival mode. They're like animals. They don't even try to control their basic feelings or physical needs. They're savages or barbarians, motivated by physical and carnal appetites rather than moral, spiritual, or intellectual forces.

They're not even human. They're more like monkeys or apes, just trying to survive. They're only focused on what benefits them. They can barely even see you or recognize your feelings, wants, or needs. It's not even a concern to them. They're only concerned about their own survival. This is why they struggle to interact in a healthy manner.

What makes us human is how we treat other people. It's about being ready or available when we are wanted or needed, being friendly and helpful, being willing to give information or talk, and participating in, enjoying, giving, and receiving together. It's about having the same feeling, quality, or experience in a way that is fair and honest, without favouritism or discrimination, and without cheating or trying to achieve an unjust advantage. These are all qualities and characteristics that you or I possess. They are behavioural traits of humankind. But narcissistic people are not human.

That is why you get so confused and can't understand why they do certain things. You know that you would never do what they do. But that's just it—you're not the same as them. You don't have a mental disorder, which means that you're not experiencing significant disturbance in your cognition, emotional regulation, or behaviour. You're able to conduct yourself and present yourself appropriately and professionally. You behave well in public or formal situations. You're in control of yourself. But they are not in control of themselves, and that is the difference.

They're not operating at the full human level or capacity, which means that there are going to be a lot of things missing from your interactions or engagements. There are going to be a lot of things that don't make sense to you because you're a fully developed human. You're not a Neanderthal. You're not uncivilized. You're socially, culturally, and morally advanced. They are lacking sophistication. They're antisocial and immoral. They're rude, savage, wild, primitive, barbaric, and uncultivated.

Yet you're trying to figure out why things went a certain way because you can't understand why someone would mess up something good when they could have just continued to progress, succeed, and achieve a particular result. It's because they're missing the key components of what makes us human—the components that would otherwise keep them following the correct and established course. But they're just not at that level of development. They have significant character defects and flaws that are characterized by intelligence and behaviour that is below your usual standard.

This is why you need to stop thinking of them and treating them like normal human beings. As long as you do that, you're going to wind up feeling frustrated and confused. It's not going to make any sense to you because you're expecting them to function and operate like normal human beings when that's just not what they're capable of. You need to manage your expectations when dealing with them. Stop expecting them to be at your level of development and only communicate as needed. Otherwise, you're going to be really confused and obsessing over them.