8 Things Narcissists Do When You Are Upset

When a narcissist senses that you are dissatisfied or upset, they may anticipate that you are planning to leave. This can trigger feelings of abandonment anxiety in them. Narcissists have a heightened awareness that allows them to pick up on your emotions, even when you try to hide them. They can sense when you’ve disconnected from them and often identify the cause. This awareness may lead to one or more of the following eight responses:

1. Love Bombing

Narcissists may start love bombing you again, but not because they care about you. Instead, it serves their own interests. This behaviour can create a trauma bond, as they present a false version of themselves—someone they are not in reality.

The love bombing may temporarily make you happy, but the cycle of abuse will continue. Over time, the love bombing becomes less effective because they’ve already secured you as their source of supply. They may do just enough to keep you from leaving, knowing that even a morsel of affection might be enough to change your mind.

2. Manipulating You into Acceptance

Narcissists may manipulate you into tolerating and accepting their behaviour. They might use blame, justification, or even get you to identify with their actions. This can lead you to believe that their treatment of you is acceptable or even deserved. By doing this, they ensure the cycle of abuse continues.

3. Creating a Sense of Hopelessness

When a narcissist sees that you’re upset, they may view it as a weakness and try to bring you down further. They might create a sense of hopelessness, leaving you in a state of despair where optimism and passion are absent.

This benefits them because they are content with the status quo. They don’t want things to change or progress, as that would expose their shortcomings. By keeping you feeling helpless, they maintain control.

4. Using Toxic Positivity

Narcissists may use toxic positivity to dismiss or invalidate your feelings. They might maintain a fake positive mindset, pretending that things can improve, while mocking or ridiculing you. This behaviour can make you feel guilty and prevent you from experiencing authentic emotions, which are essential for personal growth.

Their toxic positivity is not genuine optimism—it’s a way to pacify and subdue you. Over time, you may realize that they are completely disconnected from your emotions and their own, which can make their presence deeply uncomfortable.

5. Ignoring You

Narcissists may pretend that everything is fine, even when you’re clearly upset. They lack empathy, so your unhappiness doesn’t affect them. In fact, it might even make them feel better about themselves.

They may make minimal effort to keep you from leaving, but this is not to make you happy—it’s simply to maintain control. Your unhappiness serves their need to feel superior, as it reminds them of their own perceived "happiness."

6. Ghosting

When you’re upset, a narcissist may ghost you. This could be a way to punish you or avoid accountability. They may also ghost you to escape difficult conversations or because they fear rejection.

While it may seem like they’re running from you, they’re actually running from a reflection of themselves that they dislike. Ghosting allows them to avoid facing their own shame and insecurities.

7. Seeking New Supply

If a narcissist senses that you’re unhappy, they may start seeking new supply. Anticipating that you might leave, they look for someone else to fill the void. This behaviour is not about improving themselves or the relationship—it’s about proving to themselves that they are not as inadequate as they feel.

By finding new supply, they chase a fantasy where they appear greater than they actually are. This allows them to avoid doing the real work needed to grow and change.

8. Starting a Smear Campaign

Some narcissists may launch a smear campaign when they see that you’re upset. They perceive your unhappiness as a threat to their false image and may try to destroy your reputation to eliminate the perceived threat.

This could involve spreading lies or making you look bad to others. They may also do this to punish you for rejecting or exposing them. Narcissists expect you to feel privileged to be around them, even when they treat you poorly. They focus only on your reactions to their abuse, ignoring the harm they’ve caused.

Understanding these behaviours can help you recognize the patterns of narcissistic abuse and take steps to protect yourself. If you’re dealing with a narcissist, remember that their actions are not a reflection of your worth. Seek support, set boundaries, and prioritize your well-being.

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