Hey survivors & thrivers In this video I am going to be talking about why relationships with narcissists fail. Please like, comment, share and subscribe. Donations are greatly appreciated. If you would like to donate, my PayPal link is in the video description. If you are interested in one on one coaching, you can contact me at email@example.com The coaching session will provide you with further knowledge and understanding of your situation and it will also guide you towards healing and recovery from narcissistic abuse.
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Why Relationships Fail With Narcissists
Why did your relationship fail with the narcissist? They put in so much time and effort to secure you as a source of supply. They made it seem as though you had so much in common and you were about the same things. You would think that you were compatible with the narcissist. The truth they didn't put all of that time and effort in for you. That was for them. It was so they could extract whatever it is they needed from you in that moment. Your attention, validation, approval or admiration of them. Your positive energy. Money, material items or sex. In that moment they recognised that you had something that they could benefit from. Something that they wanted to extract from you. The time and effort that they put into the relationship in the beginning was not to benefit you in anyway. It was designed to secure you as a source of supply, so that they could extract whatever it is they needed from you in that moment. They may have led you to believe that they had certain qualities or they were about certain things. But the reality is that they are interested in something more unnatural, which goes against social norms. Their way of being goes against the expected behaviour that an individual is expected to conform to in particular group, community or culture. When you first meet them, they will imply that they are aligned with the expected behaviour, when in reality they have ulterior motives. They might imply in the beginning that they are about honesty, loyalty and trust. You soon discover that they are not about any of that. They just know that you are about that and if they don't conform to the expected behaviour, you are not going to want anything to do with them. I think a part of them also idealises your way of being, the qualities, talents and positive traits which you possess. But then they realise that they can't be like that and your qualities, talents and positive traits can never be theirs. So then they will devalue and degrade you or act as though you are worthless or insignificance. This really comes from their pathological envy and jealousy. Narcissists are quick to extract whatever it is they need from you. Relationships fail with them, because they don't give anything back. A healthy relationship should have a 50/50 balance of give and take between two people. The problem with relationships with narcissists is that all they do is take, without giving you anything in return. This leaves you feeling drained and lifeless. You may feel neglected, unappreciated, invalidated or unattractive. It could also drain you financially. The narcissist may use the money to buy whatever they want, while you are unable to buy the things that you want to buy, or do the things that you want to do. Sexually you may be focused on pleasing the narcissist, but the narcissist isn't interested in pleasing you. There is no balance of giving and taking in the relationship. You are giving everything you have and receiving nothing or the bare minimum in return. This affects your health and makes it almost impossible to sustain the relationship, as you are giving everything you have without having anything to replenish yourself. You are not receiving anything from the narcissist to restore your energy to the level or condition that it was before they had taken from you. This leaves you in a state where you are constantly deteriorating and once you have nothing left to give, the narcissist will leave because you are no longer capable of giving them what they need. Which is the only reason why they wanted a relationship with you. They expected you to serve them. Narcissists see you as an object or as an extension of them. They do not think about what you need from them, they are self absorbed and lack empathy. When they get into relationships, it's all about what they can take, what they can extract. And once they've got all that they can get, they are out of there and to the next source of supply, who hasn't been drained or used up of all of their gifts or qualities... so they can do the same thing all over again. It may have seem as though you were compatible and you had a lot in common with them. But they were just mirroring you and appealing to your own ideals. They weren't really about any of that, but they knew that you were. They knew that by mirroring what you were interested in, they would be able to keep you around so they could extract more of what they needed from you. If they had shown you who they really were or what they were really about, from the beginning... You wouldn't have been interested in them, you wouldn't have stuck around. This is why they had to mirror you and appeal to your own ideals. It was designed to spark your interest in them, where otherwise there would have been none. When the narcissist first met you, you were perfect, you couldn't do anything wrong. They have this black or white mentality, or duality. Where something is either good or bad, perfect or useless. Their perception of you being perfect soon changed when they started to discover that you are not perfect. There may have been real or imagined faults, mistakes, flaws or imperfections. The narcissist realised that you are an imperfect human. These faults, mistakes, flaws or imperfections don't always have to be real. Sometimes they can be imagined or misperceived as narcissists have a distorted thought process. But also because the narcissist has to see you this way because they are pathologically envious and jealous. The qualities, talents and positive traits that first attracted them to you, soon become the very things that they hate about you. The very things that they will begin to devalue or degrade. The reason for this is because your qualities, talents and positive traits trigger them to reflect on their insecurities or weaknesses. Which then causes them to feel intense envy and jealousy. Narcissists do not like to self reflect or look within. They don't want to accept that they have insecurities or weaknesses. It's too painful for them. They are shame based individuals, doing everything they can to avoid shame. So in their minds they are perfect, they don't make faults or mistakes, they don't have flaws or imperfections. Any time that they do make a fault or mistake, they will shift the blame on to you. Any time that they are triggered to reflect on a flaw or imperfection, they will project it on to you. This is their way of avoiding self reflection and dodging the shame. Of course this can cause a lot of problems in the relationship. As any time you display a positive characteristic or trait which triggers the narcissist to self reflect on their insecurities or weaknesses, they will devalue or degrade you in some way. If the narcissist believes that you have taken their shine in public, they will humiliate or exploit you in front of other people. You may try to confront the narcissist in an attempt to understand what is going on, but this will only be met with manipulation tactics such as denial, projection, blame shifting, gaslighting and the double bind. The narcissist is not going to accept responsibility or accountability for anything that they do. They are emotionally immature. They also do not care about how this affects you, as they are self absorbed and lack empathy. You may have tried to give them love or kindness, only to receive more abuse or manipulation. The reason for this is because they have been told their entire lives that they are unloveable. That they are worthless and insignificant. That's how their narcissistic parent always made them feel. Their narcissistic parent made it very clear to them that they are unloveable. That they are not good at anything and cannot make anything work with them. This is the narrative that has been playing in their minds since they children. And they feel more comfortable experiencing this with you, because it is familiar to them. So they will look for reasons or evidence that you are treating them bad or in a negative way. Their internal dialogue or inner critic constantly makes them feel intense self-hatred and anger. They have to find a way to get this off their chest. So they will look for reasons or evidence that you hate them or you have a negative motive. So that they can project and unload their self-hatred and anger on to you. The narcissist cannot accept being treated respectfully by you. It makes them feel uncomfortable. They expect to be treated bad or in a negative way. It's as though they are almost waiting for you to act in this way towards them. This is why they will appear to push and provoke you for no reason. They do not feel comfortable with you liking or respecting them. It goes against their internal dialogue, their inner critic. It goes against what they were told by their narcissistic parent, which is now what they believe about themselves. So they will push and provoke you, to fulfil their expectation of you treating them badly or in a negative way. It eases the tension within them. It makes them feel more comfortable. You may be trying to get them to understand that you just want to make them happy. You want to reach a mutual understanding. But they are not listening. They do not want to believe you. They want to believe that you a bad person, you are trying to hurt them. It allows them to play the victim role. They are comfortable playing this role as they were victimised as children by their narcissistic parent. Maybe this is why they always have to deny any responsibility or accountability for their actions. In their minds, they are the victims. It's as though they are still that emotionally immature child being abused by their narcissistic parent. The parent's internal dialogue is still running in their minds and that's what they are responding to. Regardless of what you are saying to them. And the internal dialogue which is running in their minds and telling them that they are worthless or insignificant, is what they will then project on to you. This is how they might randomly push or provoke you for no apparent reason. And you may be wondering where they even got the desire or motivation to do that to you. In those situations, it's not because of anything you've said or done. It's because of the inner dialogue or inner critic in their minds, which they are then projecting on to you. In their minds, a person is either all good or all bad. And since how they see you reflects on how they see themselves. You have to be seen as all bad, so they can see themselves as being all good. Their narcissism is a defence mechanism against their internal dialogue or inner critic. This voice in their heads is telling them that they are useless, ugly, worthless and insignificant. As a defence mechanism they had to create a false self which is the exact opposite of that. Remember they see everything in black or white, good or bad and this reflects on how they see themselves. So for them to be the exact opposite of everything their interal dialogue or inner critic is telling them they are, they have to project all of that on to you. And that's how you can go from being the perfect, most amazing person at the beginning of the relationship... To being the useless, ugly, worthless and insignificant person in their minds, which is really just a projection of their own internal dialogue or inner critic of themselves. They like that you keep trying to explain to them. It's giving them narcissistic supply. You are giving them attention, you are making them feel as though they are worth something and significant. They enjoy the arguments. It gives them an opportunity to abuse and manipulate you. They can then distort your reality and suck your energy out of you. It is feeding their ego. They do not want to believe you and even if they did want to believe you... Their internal dialogue or inner critic which abuses them all day everyday is not going to let them. Their disorder is fixed in such a perfect way, where the exact things that they need to hear from you, the exact things that they need to understand... which would override their internal dialogue or inner critic... are the exact things that the disorder has been programmed to deny and block out the most. You are not compatible with the narcissist because while you might be a high vibrational person, they are low vibrational. High vibration is linked to positivity, love, compassion and peacefulness. Low vibration is linked to fear, anxiety, sadness and depression. You have probably noticed that they are always trying to project those emotions on to you. How they are trying to get you to feel, is how they already feel. High vibrational people are not compatible with low vibrational people. It is said that like vibrations attract like vibrations, but this is not always true. While high vibrational people are naturally attracted to each other, low vibrational people are also attracted to high vibrational people. Narcissists are attracted to your high energy like moths to a flame. They will try to transmute this energy into something that benefits them, but it never really works that way. Our high energy may sustain us, but it doesn't sustain them because it's not compatible with their low vibrations. But this doesn't stop them from being attracted to it and wanting to extract this energy from us. Their low vibrations will also have an effect on you. Narcissists have become familiar with feelings of worthlessness and insignificance. Inferiority. Dissatisfaction and unfulfilment. Emotional abuse and manipulation. Devaluation and degradation. Humiliation and exploitation. Pathological lying and cheating. Those are the actions and behaviours that narcissists have become familiar with. It has become habitual, it has become routine. It is something they do constantly. So it has become a part of their character and personality. It has become a lifestyle. It is a way of living for them. This is something they engage in daily. All of their thoughts and emotions feed into these negative actions and behaviours. These actions and behaviours then dominate the narcissist's character and personality. Their thoughts and emotions feed into this negative energy. The negative energy comes from whatever they are consistently thinking or feeling. And most often they are thinking or feeling something of a negative nature. They are always thinking about something negative, whether towards themselves or someone else. This causes them to be out of harmony. They are unable to experience any peace, love or joy. The negative energy prevents any growth or change. Negative energy is like a black hole, it sucks them in and then they don't know how to get out of it. It starts off with them entertaining negative thoughts and feelings, which then lead to actions and behaviours, which creates an addiction and becomes a lifestyle. When you are around them, it can pull you into this negative way of thinking and feeling. These thoughts and feelings are very contagious. Even high vibrational people can be pulled into this way of being, unless they remove themselves from the situation. If you stay around them and entertain this negative energy, you will become a part of it. If you continue to sustain your high vibrations, positivity, love, compassion and peacefulness. You will not be compatible with them and they will be forced to remove themselves from the situation. They will discard you. While they may have been attracted to your high vibrations initally, over time it triggers them to reflect on how they don't possess those qualities and then they just want to destroy you. This is why they are always trying to provoke negative emotions with you, or feelings or worthlessness or insignificance. They want you to feel as though you are not right, or not good enough. This is their way of trying to lower your vibration, so that they feel more comfortable around you. Two opposing frequencies cannot exist in the same space for long periods of time. When you are around a person, their energy can either lift you up or bring you down. There are certain symptoms that you may experience when you are around low vibrational people such as narcissists. These symptoms may include tightness in the chest or throat, rapid breathing, shakey hands, digestive problems, a feeling of heaviness in your body, physical pain, tiredness, headaches, feeling nauseous and having a dry mouth. The symptoms can lead to more chronic conditions such as constant migraines, auto-immune disorders, depression, chronic fatigue and panic attacks. Being around low vibrational people is very damaging to your health. The narcissist will drain the life out of you and then leave you for someone who has a higher vibration. Which could be anyone as once they have finished with you, as your vibration will be very low. As a high vibrational person, you will naturally crave and desire to be around other high vibrations. You may become frustrated or resentful towards the narcissist, as they are not capable of providing this to you. It may appear as though they are giving you high energy in the beginning, but this is actually what they are extracting from you. This is why they are unable to sustain it for long periods of time. It's not coming from within them, they are extracting the energy from you through an interaction or from being in close proximity to you. I'd recommend being around animals or children, going for a walk in nature. Having a bath with himalayan salts and listening to relaxing music. This will provide you with the high energy you crave, which the narcissist is not capable of giving to you. Narcissists lie and cheat, which is another reason why relationships will fail with them. No matter how much attention, validation, approval or admiration you give to them. No matter how much positive energy, money, material items or sex you give to them. It will never be enough. Narcissists cannot be satisfied or fulfilled. They are like empty buckets with a leak at the bottom. Anything you pour into them will leak out and then they will become frustrated and resentful towards you. They will think that you are not good enough or something is wrong with you. And then use that as an excuse to abuse you even more and even cheat on you. They are not going to self reflect and then realise that they cannot be satisfied or fulfilled and that's the reason why they are feeling frustration or resentment. Narcissists do not accept that they make faults or mistakes, or have flaws or imperfections. So they will lie or cheat on you and then blame you for their lying or cheating. They will also withhold sex from you, most likely while they are busy with whoever they are cheating with you on. Withholding sex from you gives them an opportunity to project their feelings of frustration and resentment on to you, which will then give them narcissistic supply. If the lying and cheating isn't enough to cause the relationship to fail, or if you don't discover that they are lying or cheating on you. The narcissist will become paranoid or hypervigiliant that you are lying to them, or you are cheating on them. They are paranoid or hypervigilant because that's exactly what they are doing, or they are thinking of doing it. In their minds, they think that if they have done it, or if they are thinking of doing it... then so are you. So they will be paranoid or hypervigilant. They will accuse you of lying or cheating on them. This will cause fights and arguements, where the narcissist will push and provoke you until it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy and maybe you do end up lying or cheating on them. Or you say that you did, just to shut them up. Which deep down is what the narcissist wants as unless they are right, they cannot be satisfied. They also don't want to deal with the narcissistic injury of being wrong. So they will push and provoke you until you do whatever it is they are accusing you of and then they will use that against you too. They will use that as an excuse to abuse you, cheat on you, or cheat on you even more if they have already cheated. It just becomes a huge mess where there is no loyalty, honesty or trust. No respect. You may have been abused and manipulated constantly. Lied to and cheated on. Yet the narcissist refused to accept responsibility for their actions. And at this point if you recognise that the narcissist was at fault, you will leave them. Or the narcissist might leave you and you will blame yourself. Even though you were abused and manipulated day after day for many years. Lied to and cheated on. The narcissist might have made you believe that it was your fault. You were not good enough or something was wrong with you. So then it's like a double blow. Not only have you had all of this stuff done to you, but you are also told that it is your fault, you are to blame and you deserve to be treated that way. This can have really damaging effects on your self worth and your self esteem. Many victims of narcissistic abuse initially feel as though they are not good enough for anyone, they do not deserve to be loved, they do not deserve to be happy. But this really isn't true at all. You are good enough. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be happy. You have many amazing qualities, talents and positive traits. The narcissist knew this, that's what drew them to you in the beginning. But then they wanted to destroy it, because it made them feel as though they were not good enough. They project their feelings on to you. They shifted the blame for all of the problems they caused in the relationship, on to you. Don't ever think that you are not enough or you do not deserve to be loved. The narcissist was not capable of giving you the love that you deserved. But if you heal yourself from this and give yourself all of the love and energy that you were giving to the narcissist. You will be able to attract a like minded person who possesses similar qualities, talents and positive traits. A person who will be able to reciprocate the love and energy that you are giving to them. A person who will appreciate and validate you. Instead of taking you for granted and just using you for their own selfish needs. You are enough. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be happy. Check out my playlist of videos on healing from narcissistic abuse, I believe that they can help you to heal from this. Thank you for watching. I hope this video resonated with you. Please like, comment, share and subscribe. If you would like to donate, my PayPal link is in the video description. Coaching enquiries, you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org Check out the Narc Survivor merchandise store, where you can get your own Narc Survivor t-shirt or mug, the link is in the video description. That's all for this video. Please remember to share the video so it can help other survivors, just as it has helped you. And I will talk to you soon.