The Scapegoat Child

In a narcissistic family, the children are there to serve parental needs. The narcissistic parent either lacks the ability to emotionally connect to their children, or chooses not to. They cannot show empathy or unconditional love to their children. They are critical, judgemental and have impossible expectations. Narcissists have a dualistic mentality, also known as splitting or black and white thinking. This is the failure in the narcissist's thinking to bring together the positive and negative qualities of themselves and other people into a connected, realistic whole. It is a common defense mechanism where the narcissist will think in extremes. Where a person's actions or motivations are either all good or all bad. In the narcissistic family this can be seen with the golden child and the scapegoat. The golden child is given attention and praise, while the scapegoat is seen as the cause of all of the problems in the family. The golden child is seen as all good, while the scapegoat is seen as all bad. Both are projections of the narcissistic parent. The scapegoat child is the child of a narcissistic parent who is rejected or chosen to be abused.

They are dismissed as unimportant and made to feel inadequate. They carry the responsibility for the narcissistic parent's self-hatred. The narcissistic parent's self-hatred is projected on to the scapegoat child. Even if the narcissistic parent makes a fault or mistake that is completely unrelated to the scapegoat child, they will still abuse them or expect them to carry the responsibility. As an example, the narcissistic parent might spill their drink and then hit the scapegoat child. The scapegoat child is an extension of the narcissistic parent and their negative characteristics or traits. Narcissists do not self reflect or look within, they do not manage their own self esteem or regulate their own emotions. They use the scapegoat child as an object or tool, something to look down on or use to express their own self-hatred. As the scapegoat child of a narcissistic family, you feel as though you are not supposed to talk to anyone about what you have gone through, as that could be seen as being disrespectful to the family. You experienced some form of abuse or neglect. You experienced mental, emotional, sexual, physical or psychological abuse. You felt as though the abuse that you received was your fault. Your emotional needs were never met. You were made to feel as though you were not worthy of the narcissistic parent's attention or admiration. You were made to feel as though you were not good enough or something was wrong with you. You were trained to feel guilty for expressing anything that happened to you. As though you just have to accept that everything is wrong with you or you're not good enough and you are the cause of all of the narcissistic family's problems. The only thing that really matters to the narcissistic family is their image, how the world sees them. And they will do whatever it takes to protect that image, even if everyone gets destroyed in the process. The narcissistic family has to portray this image of being superior to everyone around them or as though they have no problems.

They are always worried about what everyone will think about them. But they never actually put in the work to resolve the family's issues. They just want to cover it up or brush it under the rug and hope that no one notices. As the scapegoat child of a narcissistic family, you received endless verbal abuse. You were constantly told that you were not good enough or that you will never amount to anything. You may have been compared to the golden child. You were made to feel as though you are valued for what you do rather than for who you are. You may have been made to feel unworthy or undeserving indirectly by not receiving certain privileges or treatment that you might expect to receive from a parent. As the scapegoat child of a narcissistic family, you may feel as though the narcissistic parent was not responsible. They didn't guide or direct you. You were there to serve their needs. Naturally, without guidance or direction, you may have gone off course. When this happened, the narcissistic parent did not show any empathy or unconditional love. They were critical and judgemental. They didn't give you the proper guidance to put you in the right direction. You didn't receive direct or effective communication. In a narcissistic family, people usually talk about each other, rather than to each other. They don't normally confront each other directly. This creates passive aggression, tension and mistrust. When they do confront each other directly, it is often in the form of anger. As the scapegoat child, you didn't have strong boundaries. Your feelings were dismissed as unimportant. Physical boundaries were weak. Personal possessions may have been taken without permission or private diaries may have been read. Emotional boundaries were not respected. You didn't have any privacy or personal space. You didn't have the time or space to attend to your own needs. As the scapegoat child, you may have stunted emotional development, caused by poor boundaries or lack of privacy or personal space. To heal from narcissistic abuse, you need to set physical, mental and emotional boundaries for the people around you.

If they do not respect your boundaries, you need to leave or go no contact. To heal from narcissistic abuse, you need to set boundaries for yourself. Practicing good hygiene. Having a balanced diet. Balanced rest and sleep. Practicing healing techniques. If something is not what you want or not what you prefer, say no. You don't have to say yes to every idea or suggestion that people give to you. If a person continues to push your boundaries or force their ideas or suggestions on to you, leave or go contact. Respect yourself, know your worth. In some situations, you may need to learn how to say yes. As the scapegoat child of a narcissistic family, you may have been isolated. You may have had no social support. Make healthy, meaningful connections. Start a new hobby or interest. Give yourself opportunities to be you and express who you really are.