The narcissist will always be a narcissist. That is something they cannot change. But they can change their behaviours. The narcissist can change, but they are unwilling to change. Because there's often no incentive for them to do that. For the narcissist to change, they would have to admit that what they did was wrong. They would have to take accountability for their actions. But narcissists are generally unwilling to do that. However, in some situations there is an incentive for the narcissist to change. But they only change because they're motivated by their own self interests. Rather than being motivated to change for other people. Which is why when you tell the narcissist how much they're hurting you, it doesn't change their behaviour. It doesn't mean anything to them. They just see it as though you're blaming them, which then triggers their shame. And their shame always comes out as rage. Because blame feels like an attack to a narcissist.
So when you try to blame the narcissist for anything, you will never be able to get through to them. Because their disorder prevents them from being able to continuously reflect on their shame. The narcissist does not care about you or your feelings. They only care about themselves. They only care about their own feelings. And you cannot use logic or facts to get through to the narcissist. Because they see their feelings as facts. So whatever they feel becomes the truth. Which is why they can often seem so unresonable. Which is why you cannot reason with them. There is nothing you can do to motivate them to change. They will only change under their conditions, if it benefits them to do so. Not because it's good for you. Many of the narcissist's behaviours are habitual. They are settled and regular tendencies that are difficult for them to give up. Because they've been doing it for a long time. They decided a long time ago that it was ok for them act this way. And since that time, their behaviour has been enabled by the people around them. Narcissists are like children. Their behaviour was rewarded, so it was repeated. Until it became second nature. Until it became a tendency and habit that has become characteristic and instinctive. Because it's been reinforced. It's worked for them in the way that they needed it to work. They got attention. They got whatever they wanted. But because their behaviour has been reinforced for such a long period of time, it may no longer feel like a choice to them.
They may say that they have no control over it. But it's not that they don't have control over it. They're just very impulsive. They don't think before they say or do something. They're constantly reacting. Because they are driven by their emotions. They're not thinking about the consequences of what they're doing. All they care about is what they want and need. All they care about is their own emotions. They have magical thinking. Where they believe their own ideas, thoughts, actions and words can influence the course of events in the material world. They believe that unrelated events are connected, despite the absence of any plausable link between them. So they assume that everything will be ok. They're in denial. So they're able to justify their actions. But when narcissists are forced by some external circumstances, to think before they're acting. It then breaks the pattern. And puts them in a different pattern of behaving. Because then there are external consequences. But narcissists don't really care about what you think. Your feelings and accusations have no effect on the narcissist. It just makes them mad. The only way a narcissist can change is by disliking their behaviour. By being so ashamed of how they behave. And not wanting to feel that way anymore. And then remaining focused on that even while they're angry or upset. Because the only thing that will motivate a narcissist to change their behaviour is their own feelings. But usually, they just end up justifying their behaviour. Or they deny it. Or they blame someone else.
Rather than realising they're own behaviour is the problem. What causes a narcissist to change is an interal consequence, rather than an external consequence. And that internal consequence is their own feelings. But it is very difficult for a narcissist to realise that their own behaviour is the problem. They justify their behaviour. And it's very difficult to change your behaviour, if you believe it is justified. If you believe you have a reason for doing it. Even if you believe it's wrong. As long as they can blame someone else, they will feel like their behaviour is justified. Which is why they don't see a problem with their own behaviour. They always have a reason for doing what they do. It's always because of something you said or did. Rather than having anything to do with them. Narcissists know the difference between what is right and wrong. But they don't believe that what they're doing is wrong. Because they have reasons. And their reasons always stem from their own feelings.