For a narcissist to be in control, they have to target people with specific qualities who they are able to take advantage of. People who are naive. Maybe they do not have as much experience, wisdom or judgement. People who are vulnerable. People who are honest, trustworthy are loyal. And most importantly of all, a person who cares. If you do not care, they cannot control you. This is one of the main reasons why they targeted you, because you do care. People who care are easier for the narcissist to manipulate and take advantage of. They want someone to trust and believe in everything they say and do. They do not want to self-reflect and accept responsibility for anything. So whatever happens, you have to blame yourself for their mistakes. A codependent will or empath do this.
Because they have empathy and consideration, they will trust them and believe that they are the problem in the relationship. Narcissists study you to find any weaknesses or vulnerabilities for them to get in. From there they will then destroy your boundaries and change your beliefs, values and principles. This is done through influencing your thoughts through emotional abuse, manipulation, subtle comments and backhanded compliments. By influencing your thoughts through these covert tactics, this then leads to a change in your feelings, which then leads to a change in your actions and behaviours. Now they have control over what you are thinking and feeling and how you are acting and behaving. And since they are the ones who influenced all of this, they can already predict how you are going to think, feel, act and behave before you even know. They want predictability so then it becomes easier for them to control you. They have to know what you are doing and where you are going at all times. It's like you are a child. They do not trust you and many times this can become a self defeating prophecy. This is where their expectations of you can influence your own behaviour. They then use this as an excuse to control you even more and the cycle repeats itself. If you act or behave in a way that doesn't benefit them, they will then go back to influencing your thoughts through their covert tactics. It's all about managing how you see yourself, them, other people and the world around you. This is what gives them total control over the situation. The narcissist will control your life every aspect of your life in every possible way. And even though they were in control of everything, they will still blame you. It makes no logical sense, but this is exactly how the narcissist sees it. They need full control over everything, with no responsibility or accountability, no precautions, no thought of the consequences. It really is a recipe for disaster. And as soon as something goes wrong, they pass the responsibility on to you. Even though they had all of the control, somehow in their minds it's still your fault. This is the flawed illogical mindset of a narcissist. If you try to confront them, they will deny, project, blame shift, gaslight. Whatever it takes to deflect any responsibility or accountability.
The narcissist will control your life in every possible way and then everything goes wrong. And even though they were in control of everything, they will still blame you. It makes no logical sense, but this is exactly how the narcissist sees it. They need full control and full responsibility over everything. But as soon as something goes wrong, they pass the responsibility on to you. This is the flawed illogical mindset of a narcissist. The narcissist is obsessed with controlling their victims. What they've failed to realise is that they can't even control themselves. They are obsessed with control and yet everything they touch falls apart. Despite having control over everything, they are still quick to project the blame on to you for everything that goes wrong. The narcissist has to provoke you to react, because you are in control of your thoughts and feelings and they don't like it. It's a reminder of everything they are not. It's a reminder to them that they are not in control of their thoughts or feelings. So they cannot allow you to continue being in control of yourself. This is why they will provoke certain thoughts or feelings within you. This is all fuelled by their hate, anger and envy, which comes from their own insecurities and inferiority complex. Next time they try to provoke you to feel a certain way, imagine how you would feel without that thought and then let it go. Now that you have the awareness of narcissism, they can only control you if you let them. They are extremely controlling individuals. They want to control every aspect of your life. They would love to have a remote control for your mind and body. That would be the narcissist's dream. We are objects used to satisfy their existence. They do not see us as individuals or real people. The narcissist manipulates you gradually over a long period of time. It begins as very subtle behaviour. Telling you not to talk to this person or don't do this, don't go there. Gradually over time this act of control becomes more and more obvious. But as you are under their manipulation, you don't see it. It's like when you've been exercising for months and you look in the mirror and you're still the same size. You've lost weight but you don't see it because it happened gradually over a long period of time. All this manipulation revolves around controlling you and everything you do, your entire life. They need to take a step back and take control of themselves and of their own lives. That would make more sense but they don't because they are emotionally immature and believe that they are never at fault.
The narcissist wants to hijack your life and take over, operating and taking control of everything you do. They want to take hold of you and force you to go to a different destination. Or use you for their own purpose. There is also something I have experienced which is very extreme narcissistic behaviour.
I have never heard it talked about before. I guess it's like the ultimate form of control over a person. This is something I am going to call the "Observer Mode". Imagine as though wherever you are looking with your eyes, whatever you are looking at. The narcissist will then say some word vomit which relates to whatever it is you are looking at, or they will say a word that rhymes with it. You could be looking at anything, a person, an object... whatever it is, the narcissist will obsessively follow your eyes. Over time, even this level of control isn't enough for them. So they will begin to predict what you are going to look at, before you even look at it. They might predict that you are going to turn your head to the left and observe a chair. Before you do that they will say something that rhymes with the word chair or relates to chair or the colour of it. They will then observe you to feed off your reaction which they can use to further perfect their art of manipulation. In this observer mode they act as though they are in your body, to have a higher level of control over you. They don't want you to look at a single person or object without them knowing. Because when you're looking around, you are giving out energy, you are receiving energy. When you are thinking about something, your thoughts are sending signals. This is just too much for the obsessive narcissist to bear. They are pathologically envious and jealous. It makes them sick that you even get to breathe the same air as them, or see the same things, hear the same sounds. So they will do whatever they can to distort your reality.
They will spray certain perfumes or plant object in certain places or make noises. Anything to prevent you from experiencing the natural environment. Because they are just too obsessively envious and jealous of you. Please let me know in the comments if you have experienced the "Observer Mode". I believe it is only something the most extreme narcissists will engage in.
It is a highly invasive tactic and more intimate than having sex. But it is something these sick people like to engage in, so please be aware of that. Highly predatorial behaviour. They need the ability to sabotage whatever you are doing that is productive or anything that doesn't revolve around them. Narcissists need excessive attention and admiration. They want you to be thinking about them all of the time, or else they will feel alone and unwanted. If you are not thinking about the narcissist, in their minds it's like they cease to exist. They can only exist if you are giving them attention and admiration. I don't believe narcissists even have the ability to have a genuine conversation. Even when it appears as though they are being genuine, that is an act too. They are just acting as though they are having a genuine conversation with you, but it's never real. They always have an ulterior motive. When they are acting as though they are having a genuine conversation with you, their ulterior motive is to make you believe that it is a genuine conversation. Really it's just an attempt to dodge the shame they feel for not having the ability to genuinely converse with you. They cannot simply be in the moment and have a conversation with you without any ulterior motives. They can only create the illusion as though this is what they are doing. But the ulterior motive will always be there, due to their obsessive need to control. A genuine conversation would involve truth and as we know, narcissists hate the truth because the truth would expose them. The truth would expose the very person that they are trying to hide. So do not expect truth from the narcissist, do not expect any vulnerability. They cannot be emotionally vulnerable with you. They cannot experience a deep emotional connection or any form of real intimacy. To do this, they would need to be emotionally vulnerable and this is something they cannot do. Because of their inability to be real or authentic with you, it makes it impossible for them to experience any real genuine positive emotions. It makes it impossible for them to live in truth, acceptance or any form of love. Instead they remain stuck in an endless cycle of trying to gather whatever dominance or control they can gain over you and the situation. This is why they are always trying to make you think that something is wrong with you. If they can get you to believe that something is wrong with you, they can control you. They can then influence you to seek validation from them, rather than validating yourself. This creates a trauma bond. They want you to believe that you are not good enough, for whatever reason. This keeps you looking at yourself rather than seeing everything that is not right with them.
It gives them the upper hand and gives them further control over you. Now you are doubting yourself, you have low self worth and low self esteem. Now they can tell you whatever they want and you will believe it. You will even modify your thoughts, feelings, actions and behaviours to suit however they have defined you. This is how they control your mind. And when you act on these dysfunctional thoughts and feelings which they have planted in your mind, you may have actions or behaviours that are not considered to be socially acceptable. Now the narcissist can point the finger at you and call you crazy. It makes it more believable to the flying monkeys and now they can create a smear campaign. They manage your interactions through resistance. This is designed to leave you to chase them or how you want them to be. It gives them narcissistic supply - a sense of power and control over the situation. If they let go of their resistance towards you, this would then give you the power. If you had the power, you would then realise that this person isn't serving you or improving your life in any way. This is why they hold on to this position of power or control so strongly. They know that they can either this keep position of power, or you are going to want nothing to do with them. And they already know how painful it is going to be, to not be wanted or desired by you. Their value is based off your desire of them, they are externally validated. They are always putting on an act or creating an illusion with their words. They use tactics like denial, projection, blame-shifting, gaslighting and the double blind. They cannot put themselves in your shoes, they cannot see things the way that you do. They do not want a resolution or a mutual understanding. They want dominance, they want to control you and the situation. A resolution or mutual understanding makes it very difficult for them to dominate or control you.
We do assume that we are dealing with honest, genuine and trustworthy people like ourselves. But narcissists are not honest, genuine or trustworthy. They are emotionally immature like children. They live life like a game of chess and every move they make is designed to affect you in some way.
They are emotionally immature, so they will not accept responsibility or accountability for anything that they do. Which means that they will never learn from their faults or mistakes or ever grow from them. They will remain in this emotionally immature state since they never accept responsibility or accountability.